Complications of a Perfect Life

When Anger is Refreshing

2012-01-29T09:47:00.000-11:00

So I wake up this morning NOT feeling that tidal wave of depression that threatened to overtake me yesterday, but with a surprisingly refreshing feeling of anger.

Yeah, I find anger much, much easier to deal with sadness. Literally, this entire week of Cody's ordeal, Jeff has been putting me through the ringer with his issues of jealousy. I spent a lot of thinking about it over the week, and was hoping that during that time of contemplation, Jeff had been doing the same.

Well, I think he was, but his thinking had escalated his anger, not brought him his senses. Thus, the break up. After a long day of sadness and tears yesterday, my emotions have finally turned to anger. I rarely, if ever, *bash* a guy on here. I mean, I will write my feelings somewhat, but I always try and think about the consequences of my words and any resulting karma. So I usually try to keep the guy-hating to a minimum (and in case you don't think so, just imagine what I have ever written, multiply that by 10 and you'll understand the range of my true emotions when I get mad).

I am going to make an exception today. Because I am that motherfucking convinced that I am not in the wrong here. I am so angry that this guy had the power to make me question my own ethics. I have gone over and over in my head: "have I really done something dishonest? Have I really been mean or said something that wasn't true? Have I acted unethically in ANY way?? What IS it that is making this guy doubt me?!"

Ha. Fuck off. You lose.

I won't claim perfection. Oh no, not at all. I will cop to countless quirks and maybe, possibly some personality issues that MAY seem annoying or *spaz-like*. I may be hard sometimes, as I question a lot of things and over think everything. But for the most part, I keep those things limited to HERE and GIRLZ night. So, once again, because this is feeling really good:

Fuck off. Have a nice life.

Do you know how hard it is to find a person to date that 1. is employed, 2. has their own place, 3. doesn't NEED anything from you, 4. is financially independent, 5. acts morally and ethically right towards you and 6. isn't all that hard on the eyes??? It is HARD. Perfection, no, but a pretty good all around package?? HELLZ yeah.

And now that I'm angry, I am starting to think these things:

If this is how you are NOW (TWO months into dating), what are you going to be like in 2 more months, 2 years, etc??
I didn't actually OWE you anything anyways, douchebag. Not an explanation, not a blog address, not even a commitment, really. Not this soon, I didn't.
Dude, if I wanted to be treated like an untrustworthy piece of shit, I would have stayed with the first Jeff I dated months ago.
Do you actually think YOU were so easy to be with? You, with all your custody battles and crazy schedules and let's not forget all your stupid insecurities? Look in your own damn mirror.
Oh yeah, you were a great catch.

Yep. I'm letting the anger flow. Because it isn't fair to disguise yourself as such a sweet, caring person and be so crazy. And *crazy*? *Crazy* I can actually deal with. Seeing as I have so much experience with it and all. But crazy AND mean? Total deal breaker. That douche actually texted me yesterday: "Oh just go call Tim and smoke, you'll be fine." And, my personal hurtful favorite: "Who has the power now, eh? ME!"

Ha. How's that working for you?

I changed my facebook status yesterday to *single* and damn, did the comments start piling in. You gotta love your friends, they always take your side. I talked to Mechanic Matt yesterday for a bit and he was all like "you guys REALLY broke up over your blog???" And I was all like "I know, right? Retarded."

Here's the scary thing: I knew that if I'd have ended up staying with him, or apologizing for something that I didn't really feel I was wrong about, then I would have ended up doing that for YEARS. You set things up the way they are going to be in the beginning, I learned that from marriage. You teach people how to treat you by accepting it and going with it. You teach people how to mistreat you, I should say, by continually forgiving it, or worse, accepting the blame yourself so you don't rock the boat. I then would have started making excuses for him and his behavior. And dude, I did that for 10 YEARS with dh and his obsession with money. I stuck up for him, I hid his behaviors, I let me be the bad guy all the time because of my quirks, I made excuses for him so he wouldn't seem like a bad guy.

I will NEVER do that again. And if that makes me *hard* to date, or *hard* to deal with, I don't fucking care anymore. If that means I will be paranoid about being treated right and therefore alone the rest of my life, at least I will have my dignity.

And that's actually a lot.

You may be able to make me doubt myself (and a little self reflection is extremely healthy), but you won't make me not like myself. I spent years hating who I was, and I like me now. Quirks and all. My sister said something very nice yesterday. She said "I like you so much better since you've become you're own person, you're more fun and you're happier. I would hate to see you go back to that person who always hated herself." We were talking about my years with dh, and I appreciated that remark so much.

So, one more time. All together now:

Fuck off.

Just sayin'.

Heartbroken

2012-01-28T11:53:00.000-11:00

Jeff and I broke up today.

It sucks, I am heartbroken. It turns out he does not trust me. He thinks that because I did not want him to read my blog, that I am hiding things, like my feelings, from him.

I tried explaining that it DOES NOT turn out well when boys have access, that reading my every thought is NOT going to be fun for him, that it was NOT a good idea to read my blog because I am honest about everything on here. Including my doubts and fears about him when we first started dating. Those things weren't meant for him, they were my own fears and misgivings.

So we broke up. I sent him this website and said "have fun reading." I hope he realizes how much I did start to like him and how much he did start to mean to me.

But he probably won't.

Tonight sucks.

And Jeff: I meant everything I said, when I said it. I'm sorry that who I am and my actions were not enough for you to trust me. I trusted you.

Just sayin'.

Motherfucking Drama

2012-01-28T06:56:00.000-11:00

Drama has me beaten today. While I pushed all thoughts of other things aside (like boys and work) to get through what has happened to Cody, we got news that he is coming home today, and a tidal wave of EVERYTHING else has hit me like a ton of bricks.

And TWM: you're right, I have been consumed with getting out of my own head so much and being there for others SO MUCH that I have been pushing all thoughts of what I need to do for myself aside the last few weeks.

I'm not having a great morning. The relief with Cody has allowed everything else to hit me full force.

I am having major boy drama and I just so motherfucking sick of it.

I'll write soon, I promise.

Just sayin'.

Getting Some Rest

2012-01-27T16:29:00.000-11:00

Cody is doing well.

He underwent his EP cath and then had his defibrillator put in tonight. He is out of recovery and in his room. We are all so thankful that he is on the road to recovery.

His life will never be the same, not exactly. But at a very young age, he has been taught the value of a life by being forced to make that choice to live. That will surely change him, too. I am proud of him. He is going to do great.

Emerson and he are now *heart brothers,* as he told me last night. I am proud of him, too. These struggles produce amazing people.

Just sayin'.

And just for the record, I do know that this experience was not about me at all, but about Cody and Lu. But I do, indeed, write about things from my perspective and my experience. I get how it comes out, though, so I understand. And I absolutely could improve on my ability to get out of myself and my own head more. This week, I tried to do well, too. I kept my boy-dramas at bay until asked about it. In truth, I thought mostly about Cody until asked about it, lol. *sighs...always so much room for improvement...*

Just sayin'.

Take a Walk With a Defibrillator

2012-01-26T14:56:00.000-11:00

THIS WAS NOT ON MY BUCKET LIST, by the way.

And sometimes life kicks you in the nutsack.

Because there is no real reason that this has happened to Cody. Life just dealt him a really crummy hand, and now he, like the rest of us, has to deal with it.

It is confirmed that Cody does, indeed, have Brugada's Syndrome. From MayoClinic.com:

"Brugada (brew-GAH-dah) syndrome is a potentially life-threatening heart rhythm disorder. It's characterized by a specific abnormal heartbeat called a Brugada sign, which is detected by an electrocardiogram test. Brugada syndrome is frequently an inherited condition."

If you're interested, I found this site to the most informative: to read a bunch of medical jargon, click here.

Tomorrow, he is getting a procedure done that is much like a catherization, but different. It will determine whether or not he will benefit from a permanently implanted defibrillator. Which, they are pretty sure he will, and they are pretty sure this is the best option. With Brugada's Syndrome, you're heart can go into cardiac arrest at any time, like a ticking time bomb, and when it does, very few survive. (Mainly because it is a syndrome that goes largely undiagnosed until a person does die from it...stupid cardiac arrest.)

So to be stuck with a pace-maker-like thingie in your body for the rest of your life sucks ass big time, but it is SO MUCH BETTER THAN DYING. It's sad. It's obviously not the future and dreams you have for your son/nephew/friend, but it is what it is. The hardest part right now is the fact that he can't play baseball anymore. He loves baseball and is really good at it. I can tell he is really disappointed about this. (I geniusly deduced this from hearing him say "it totally sucks that I can't play baseball anymore.")

Visiting today obviously brought back a shit ton of memories with Emerson and his ordeal with Shone's Syndrome. Being stuck in a hospital room for days, with no end in immediate sight, is motherfucking torture. I know. So when Cody said the worst part is the boredom and the fact that he can't leave the floor, I was excited at the chance to get this kid some entertainment. And one thing I've learned is this: if you're really nice to your nurses, they'll be really nice to you. And Cody is a sweet kid. I walked up to his nurse and said "Can we take Cody to the gift shop? He really wants to walk, and I mean not just in this circle.. Is it in any way possible?"

She replied with "I'm sorry, but no. The whole reason he is here, and not at home, is because the doctors feel it is absolutely necessary to be within immediate reach of a defibrillator...."

"Ok, thanks anyways..."

But, bless this girl's heart, a few minutes later she came into the room and said she paged the doctor to ask for permission. A few minutes later, she came back and said "we can go downstairs, but I have to go with you, and I have to hook him up to the portable difib machine...does he still want to go?"

Hellz yeah, he does!

Why do they look so happy? Because it felt like we were breaking out of motherfucking jail. Even if it was just for half an hour. By the time we got to the elevators, I was all like "Really, Cody? Taking a walk with a defibrillator? THIS is a new one. I HAVE to take a picture."

And Kaitlyn - hottie pictured above - was so freakin' sweet about the whole thing. Of course, she was also all like "dude, I never get to leave the floor, either, take as long as you want, Cody!" as she and I proceeded to try every fancy lotion that the gift shop offered while Cody strolled around browsing. And Lu needed to get stuff like deodorant. Apparently, she wasn't very prepared to stay a week in a hospital. And knowing Lu, every time someone asks her if she needs anything, she probably says "no, thank you so much, though!"

Alright, I've rambled on enough. And I don't really want to type the word defibrillator anymore tonight. Pray for Cody tomorrow, we are all going to be in and out of the hospital with Lu all day. I am taking a half day off and taking my hospital shift at 2....

And yes, I'll probably be thinking about all the days that Lu sat with ME and EMERSON doing the exact same thing:

sit. wait. pray. rinse and repeat.

Just sayin'.

Where in the hell have I been?

2012-01-25T13:27:00.000-11:00

Not sleeping, I can tell you that fa sho.

So I know I haven't posted in a record long 2 or 3 days or something crazy, and the good news is: I'm good, I'm sober, and I'm still functioning at a surprisingly high level considering how little sleep I have gotten in the past 2 nights.

Lulu's son, Cody, whom I consider my nephew, has spent the last few scary days in and out of various hospitals with very bad chest pains. It has been a couple of very long days trying to figure out what's wrong, what they're going to do, and quite frankly, if he is going to be ok.

We don't know a whole lot, but at least we have some answers. I wrote a few weeks back that he was diagnosed with a right bundle block in his heart. That basically means that some electrical pulses are blocked in his heart, preventing it from operating like a normal, regular heart. Though he was originally told that this was not a critical issue and an appointment was made to see a cardiologist, it turns out that he may have something called Brugada's Syndrome.

You can google because I will probably relay the information incorrectly, however, it basically means that his bundle block thingie is actually pretty severe and he may need a defibrillator to regulate his pulse.

It's not great news, and it's pretty scary, but it was a whole helluva lot scarier not having ANY clue as to why he was having chest pains. [And it's not the actual syndrome causing the symptoms, it's an infection surrounding his heart muscles.] Tonight, we are grateful for technology, persistence, and advanced medicine. Because I don't care WHAT it is, as long as it's treatable. And so far, it looks as though it is.

Please keep Lu, Cody and Lea in your prayers. They're having a rough week. Cody will be coming home from the hospital tomorrow. Thank God.

And thank God he is alive and will be ok.

Seriously.

Just sayin'.

Pride Becomes Her

2012-01-22T11:43:00.001-11:00

~~Momma's~~ Sista's Kinda Proud

You know how sometimes you are stuck doing things that you don't want to do, but afterwards you can't imagine NOT having done it??

Yesterday was an extremely interesting and emotional day. My sister graduated from Law School (Cum Laude, no less, which is Latin for *I'm a big fat nerd*...showoff). Law School!

Well, of course, she wanted everyone at her graduation ceremony - I mean, who wouldn't? And of course, we were all like "well, duh!" But, for some reason, it went above everyones head that the actual ceremony was in Lansing. Lansing is about 2 hours away (unless you're Bump, trying to earn the buck I promised him if he could beat that GPS bitch). So it wasn't the ceremony I was dreading, it was the drive. Two hours there, two hours back. *UGH* [With my folks, no less.]

Selfishly, I was praying for a huge ass snow storm to get us all out of this, but admittedly, it would have been heartbreaking because Bex was EXTREMELY excited:

Yeah, she doesn't normally look so crazy. Apparently excited comes off as *crazy eyes* on Bex.

Obviously, we didn't get the snow storm. And Bump, G-ma, the Pot Stirrer and their boys all trekked up to Lansing yesterday to watch Bex graduate. All I can say about it is: WOW.

Yeah, right. I have a lot more I can say. Obviously.

First of all, I am so proud. I mean, I am so motherfucking PROUD of her. Just writing about this again is bringing more tears to my eyes. I cannot even begin to tell you what she, she and her husband, she and her friends and family, and she and her finances have gone through to get through the four years it took her to finish Law School. And I know everyone says that - but seriously, there were struggles so hard, I couldn't even write about them.

Just to give you a taste: we're talking lost jobs, crazy hard classes, near impossible schedules, heart-wrenching demands placed on her husband, near financial ruin (her loans could run my house for YEARS), and lots of children juggling. Yesterday, yesterday it was over. She was granted her Juris Doctorate in law. And she now officially has the biggest, most expensive and impressive brain in the family. She had it before, but now I think she's closed the door on any potential competition. (Like I'd TRY anyways. HA. I do have hope for Riley, though, that kid is kick ass smart. When he's staying out of trouble.)

Yesterday was truly the most inspiring day I have experienced in a long, long time. I even HUGGED her. (Hugging Bex is like hugging a scared, disgusted pole. Not kidding.)

When she walked out in her cap and gown, we all started crying. When she walked across the podium, we all started screaming and crying. When they announced to the grads and crowd that the ceremony was over and they were all officially law grads, we all started cheering and crying again. I hadn't ever experienced anything like that. (When I graduated from college, I didn't even GO to my ceremony. Undergrad is a little different, though, and the struggles to get through were a lot different, too.)

After the ceremony, and the chaos that ensued as everyone tried to locate their loved ones, there was a hug between Bex and the Pot Stirrer that not only made me SOB (because they were both sobbing in each other's arms), it also made me look away - like I was witnessing one of the most intimate moments in a marriage. I felt privileged to witness love like that, but also intrusive.

I can't come up with any words that can truly get across how proud our family is of her, but I hope that this post came close. It's somewhat disappointing that because of the chaos, we don't have any more pics than the ones above, but the memories are burned in my head forever.

Congratulations, Rebecca LaBond, RN, BSN, JD. (My sister.)

On a totally different note - my plan to eat better did not work at all. I had a bowl of cereal, 2 bananas and then I crammed a bagel into my mouth before I headed to Jeff's, where I ended up sleeping on his lap for the entire length of the movie we put on. Thank God he is an understanding person because I had had such an emotional day, I didn't really have anything left over for him. He let me talk non-stop about the day and then the red bull wore off and I was OUT.

He's turning out to be such a *good* guy that my sister sent me a text yesterday that said "Don't screw this one up." To which I replied "I am trying my hardest not to, but I'm me. lol"

Just sayin'.

Momma's Tired

2012-01-20T15:33:00.000-11:00

I think all the excitement of celebrating my birthday has finally exhausted me.

That, and I'm suffering from the worst sugar crash, EVER.

Note to self: don't eat cake all damn day.

By the time I got to my parents this evening, after a 9 hour day, I was so tired and SO in need of something that's main ingredient was NOT sugar that I ate 2 and 1/2 pieces of pizza. (I know, not much of an upgrade, but a little better, at least) I can't even remember the last time I had TWO pieces! And it's not because I am dieting, but ever since I decided to stop eating when I wasn't hungry anymore (such a simple concept, by the way, and not all that hard to do), one piece has been fine.

I mean, it's probably been a year since I was THAT freakin' hungry.

Additionally, I think I've stopped losing weight. Which is good, because I really can't afford to keep buying new clothes. I've been hovering around 140-145 for months now and I like it. I wish everything was TIGHTER, but you know, that's a whole different story. I'm pretty sure working out on a regular basis is a simple concept, too, but for me: ALL THAT HARD TO DO. I do keep up on my stretches for my back, but that's not the same thing as working my muscles and getting fit.

But because I'm happy with how I look and feel, I don't see me getting all ripped any time soon.

Eh, no biggie.

God, it felt so good to come home and chill in front of the tv for a couple of hours with the boys. I have been on *go* for a week straight. I'm pressing *pause* for another couple of hours so I can start again tomorrow.

And tomorrow? Tomorrow I will more than 1 banana, 4 pieces of cake and few slices of pizza. Tomorrow I am going to eat REGULAR. I swear.

Just sayin'.

Happy Birthday To Me

2012-01-19T13:40:00.000-11:00

Wow. What a fast year.

I have a tradition of writing my boys a letter on their birthday, and sometimes on mine, I take the time to reflect back on the year. This year, however, sort of seems like a blur.

I worked harder this year than I ever have before. Mostly at work. (Not so much on the home front. I'm not much for domestication.) I dated more guys than I have ever dated in one year, that's FA SHO. My kids seemed to have grown like weeds. My family, well, they are all pretty much the same.

I have had a wonderful day. See:

We are celebrating four birthdays this month at work, so we decided to plan one big cake. Luckily one of the peak-timers happens to bake cakes on the side. The middle part is my tier - the three of us who weren't baking all picked a portion. I asked for "pink polka dots" (stars are better, good call Rach) and "vanilla cake with a raspberry cream cheese filling." I was kinda just being cheeky and picked out what I thought would be my dream flavor, but when she said "ok," I started dreaming about this cake.

And we have been talking about and planning this damn thing for MONTHS. I'm not even kidding. My BFAW picked "anything with a bowtie" and apparently Hollie picked "zebra stripes." What can I say? We're an odd bunch. It is currently sitting in our fridge at work, waiting for our big birthday party tomorrow.

I can't wait.

And then:

Flowers. From Jeff. Tulips, to be exact. I was extremely bummed that I wasn't there for their arrival (as I had left at noon) but one of the tellers took this picture and sent it to me. They're sitting at my window waiting for me. I can't wait to see them in person tomorrow morning.

And let's not forget the million and one people who wished me a happy birthday via facebook. Ok, it wasn't that many, but I feel so loved, it may as well have been.

Thanks again, everyone! And cheers to another year, I'll drink to that.

bwahahahahahahhahaha

Just sayin'.

Facing 35 Like It's Nobody's Business

2012-01-17T13:06:00.000-11:00

Ok, I will admit: this is the first birthday, EVER, and I mean, EVER, that I actually feel like "wow, 35? Really? When did THAT happen?"

I mean, I remember turning 30 and thinking *30 feels great! Why do birthdays bother people?!* Of course, I was in my first year of sobriety and feeling pretty great about just about everything. (It can go one of two ways, the first year can be blissful for some, and the hardest one for others. For me, the first year I was sober was both easy and blissful.)

It's not like I'm stressing about it or anything - I just can't remember how I got here. I will never be the kind of girl who hates aging so badly that she doesn't want to celebrate her birthday. To me, birthdays are awesome. I love taking the whole damn week to say things like "leave me alone, it's my birthday," or "Shut up, it's my birthday."

Also, any excuse I can use to get all of my loved ones in one room is a good, good thing.

I was too tired to write about it on Sunday, but I had the best birthday dinner. [Thanks again G-ma and Bump!] I have the best family and friends [wish I had a buck for every time I've typed that]. I was so excited that I felt SHAKY for a good part of the evening. Of course, it didn't help that I had chugged a Red Bull while getting ready, not knowing that Jeff was getting me Raspberry Chocolate Truffle K cups for my birthday present, so of course, I had to have a cup of THAT before we left. Yes, happiness + caffeine = an annoyingly cheery Sarah.

Jeff also bought me a candle because he knows I take a lot of baths. Those kinds of gifts are really touching - more touching than if he'd have spent hundreds of dollars (which woulda just scared me off anyways) because he put thought into what I would really enjoy. That's something really cool. I'm not used to that.

I like how things are going with him. Even though, and I hate writing this and admitting to it, but I don't feel that BANG! HEAD OVER HEELS feeling. I just feel... good, peaceful. I am having some intellectual difficulty with this and I talked to Bex about it for quite awhile this weekend. She is a great sounding board. And she says really comforting things like "it doesn't always happen like that. You obviously like him so stop thinking about it." I am trying. And for the first time, I am ok with not having all the answers. I'm also ok with not having a gut feeling about him. Usually I know or feel one way or the other right away and just go with it.

As in: if the guy makes it past the third date, I'm pretty much guaranteed to fall in love with him within the first month or two. But since THAT clearly hasn't worked (or I wouldn't be single), I'm making a concerted effort to *go with it, and see where it leads.* One thing is for sure, I am really lucky in that I typically date really *good* guys. I mean, I like, or have liked them all. It's just a matter of me not letting my head and thinking get in the way. Jeff is really good about letting me have time and space to myself, and I have to admit, I love that about him. He really seems to get that if he pushes, I'll back off. So he just doesn't.

I've written that his age (46) is something that I've struggled with, but right now, it's making me feel really YOUNG. And let's face it: who doesn't love THAT??

Age is a funny thing. Why is it that I don't feel any older than 26? Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and see my laugh lines and go *that's right, I'm NOT actually 26. How weird.* Most times, though, I look in the mirror and think *I have never looked better.* That part is really true - the confidence I have gained from becoming independent and happier with myself truly, truly makes me feel more beautiful than ever. That kind of beauty is something I never had in my teens or 20s.

So, 35? Bring it.

Just sayin'.

The Best Day Ever

2012-01-15T16:55:00.000-11:00

Well, you know, or something close to it.

Slept in.
Relaxed.
Watched a bunch of tv.
Made myself look cute.
Had the most fun at dinner at my folks with everyone I love.
Games after.
More games after that.

Kids included in all of that. Yep. I am thankful, tonight.

By the way, meet Jeff:

Yes, I am as happy as I look right now.

Just sayin'.

My Birthday Week Begins Tomorrow

2012-01-14T12:44:00.000-11:00

Oh yes, I said week. I plan on celebrating 35 for the whole damn week. You know what one of the best things about my birthday is? It always falls during the week of MLK day, so I always have a shorter work week.

Tomorrow my mom is making me dinner for my birthday. I am so excited because all of the people I love best, except Uncle Rick, is going to be there: my parents, my sis, my brother, the Girlz and all of our kids, my BFAW, Mini and Jeff. Jeff is meeting the fam for the first time, so it should be interesting.

I am still having anxiety, but I'm hoping it is just because I am worried about my brother.

Other than that, I don't really have much to write about tonight. It's really fucking cold outside, so my sunroon isn't heating up nearly enough for me to stay out here long and write.

Just sayin'.

Fuck a Duck.

2012-01-13T13:34:00.000-11:00

Sometimes life just can be really, really.... challenging.

I am not wondering what my anxiety is about anymore: Topher got in a car accident tonight. He is ok, but his car is not. I am sure he is having a *fuck my life* night as he is now currently carless, and thus jobless (he delivers pizzas) until he can figure out a way to get a new vehicle.

Dude, this sucks ass so bad and I feel so horrible for him. I know what it's like to feel things just keep stacking against you. He JUST repaired that thing, too, which means he just put MONEY into it. (Unfortunately, he does not have full coverage, just the bare minimum insurance.)

I am just glad he is ok. In a weird coincidence, I was passing the intersection where it happened, moments AFTER it happened. My heart sank and my stomach turned over, then tightened into a tight horrible ball as I recognized his car immediately. I pulled over, RAN from the car, saw that he was ok, and literally hugged him. I made sure he was ok, then drove to my sister's where I am currently writing. My mom called minutes later, saying "I hate that you get these feelings!" But I said "Mom, this anxiety was so bad this time, if this is all it is, let's just be glad he's ok."

Because THIS, we can get through. Financially, this will be a very tough blow. But tonight I am grateful to say this:

My little brother is ok.

And yes, the anxiety has actually abated. I know. Strange.

Just sayin'.

Ghost Anxiety

2012-01-12T12:44:00.000-11:00

I'm not sure if any of my readers have gotten this yet, but I have noticed that when I'm feeling anxious or *unsettled* as I usually term it, I tend to write short, quick updates, as opposed to long rambling blog posts. I kinda lose inspiration for a bit, knowing it will come back (it always does) and I am learning not to dwell on the *why* as much as I used to.

Most of the time, I don't know the *why* anyways. My wa just gets disturbed and I'll run down my standard list of *causes* casually in my head and if I don't come up with anything concrete, I just attribute it to something that is happening that I am unaware of. Nine times out of 10 if I can't identify the cause of my anxiety, it turns out to be a very close loved one that is feeling this and I am just experiencing what I have termed *ghost anxiety*. And yep, I know it sounds crazy, but it's nothing new in my family.

[Incidentally, does this happen to anyone else out there? I am betting I can name a few of my writer friends who probably experience this.]

The last 2 days have been filled, off and on, with these deep, stone cold rushes of anxiety. For no apparent reason. This is how my list looks today, but not necessarily in this order:

Kids - they're fine, they've been fine. Check.
Job - same, check.
Money - eh...could be better, but nothing out of the ordinary. Check.
Boyfriend - eh...ok, so Jeff is meeting the fam AND friends on Sunday for my birthday dinner [what? you didn't know my birthday was coming up? You have a week to prepare] but I'm no stranger to bringing boys home, and while yes, he is simply NOT LIKE ANY OTHER GUY I'VE EVER brought home, EVER, [as in: he is most definitely the oldest guy I've ever dated, a full dozen years my elder]I'm really not stressing about that either...[seriously, business as usual in that department: no one get attached. It's not worth it. Or at least, it hasn't been so far.] Check.
Friends - with the exception of Mechanic Matt, who may or may not be going to jail tomorrow (don't ask) (and again with the business as usual....), everyone seems fine. Check.
Family - eh, definitely could be better, but all in all, I thought everyone was doing ok. Check? ... this is the one that causes a slight stir in my stomach...a slight *Hunh...something is amiss and I'm not getting it...* feeling...

So. What is it? Now, like I said, I've been a lot better about not obsessing about these things the last year or 2. And I haven't really been obsessing this time, either, until this afternoon that was, when I got a text from my sister that said this:

"Is everything ok with you? I have been feeling feeling overly anxious and I'm just trying to figure out if I'm worried about me or if this is something else?... Ya know?!"

Well, yes, I DO know. I replied with: "You know what? I've been feeling the same way, esp yesterday and today, [and it actually started Tuesday night, btw] and I'm not sure what's wrong either...."

So I call her on lunch, of course, and we go through our lists together, mutually agreeing that, while YES, we both have stress in our lives, there's nothing that we can identify as the trigger of this...

It's a weird thing, I know, being connected to your family in this way, but Bex and I figured out LONG ago that we just are. I accept that there must be forms of energy that I can't understand or explain and this is why this happens. I just don't like it. At all. And, I'm concerned that something is happening that I either don't know about, or that something is GOING to happen.

When I run down the list, the only twinge of uncertainty that I feel is when I get to my family and this weekend. Specifically, my mom, dad or brother. SO GUYS. Spill it, everything alright over there on the home front? I really hope so, and I'll say a prayer that I'm wrong. But if you guys need anything, Bex and I are here.

Just sayin'.

Total Information Overload

2012-01-11T13:17:00.000-11:00

We had orientation today for the partner program at work.

Weeks worth of knowledge and learning crammed into one 9 hour day. I am exhausted and on overload right now.

But the good news? I officially decided that I'm going to Boone, North Carolina. For 2 solid weeks. Even better, it's a Wednesday to Wednesday, so I'll be there for 2 full weekends to explore.

Anyone got any good suggestions on what to do while I'm in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains? Other than scoring some moonshine, that is?

Just kiddin'.

The My Favorite Parts Game

2012-01-09T11:55:00.000-11:00

Bahama Breeze.

What a great name. I'm not a fan of chain restaurants, per se, although I do love me some good filet from Texas Roadhouse, but when you go to Bahama Breeze, you truly feel swept into the Bahamas. The very loud, very annoying reggae singer that was playing directly behind us definitely helps perpetuate that.

Here are a few pics from my BFAW's birthday dinner, let's play the *my favorite parts* game [and hey sickos, I'm talking about pictures here]:

My favorite part of this picture is, surprisingly, not me, but Mary Grace. I've met her twice before and I wish a sense of humor could come through on pictures, because this girl? This girl is a motherfucking riot. She reminds me of my cousin, Nellie, with her blunt, wise-crack remarks. Although the fact that some people insist on being called by two names is rather irritating to someone who loves giving people one syllable nicknames. [Like Zaad, Tink, Bump, Lu, Toph.....need I go on?]

My favorite part of this picture is Mini: she so much hates to have her picture taken that she always makes this dumb face. THIS is not what she really looks like by the way. Except in nearly every damn picture I take.

While I love that my BFAW is not actually leaning on anything, but just faking it for the pic, by far, my favorite part of this picture is the couple in the background. They did that all night. ALL NIGHT. At first I found it really amusing that they paid no attention to each other and were obsessive about their phones the whole time. Then I started to find it sad.... like a sad commentary on this post-Jersey Shore world we live in.....ok, I'm over it. It's funny.

Man, talk about a toss up. Because while BFAW's face is priceless, THIS is what Mini actually looks like: carefree and happy and not at all self-conscious.

Me. Ovvie. I mean, dude, if I could pull this hair off everyday, I would be a happy, happy girl.

But fuck, that look takes some real effort. [re: hot rollers, curling irons, hair spray, more hair spray....fuck it.] This is definitely my *I'm too hawt to care about a motherfucking boy* look. I can pull this together about once a month. Which is about how often I change boyfriends so....

Just sayin'.

Well. It was worth a shot.

2012-01-08T11:36:00.000-11:00

At least the Lions played a really great first half. Incidentally, it was also the half I missed. :(

I was, however, able to make it to my BFAW's birthday at Bahama Breeze. Because Jeff and I were/are kind of/I'm not sure arguing, I was determined to be as hot as possible. In my crazy-but-just-as-crazy-as-any-other-female, brain looking good feels like really sweet revenge. It worked. Only, then I drove home from dinner (rushing, and listening to said game) glancing in the rearview mirror, constantly, thinking "aw, what a waste of a good hair day...."

Boys suck. (Ok, I'll be fair. Girls suck, too. See? I'm all equal and shit.)

I don't have the energy to get into the details of our little tiff here, but I will say a couple of things. Dating as an adult with children is so much harder than it was as an adolescent. It's extremely hard for me to get used to the fact that sometimes, people just aren't necessarily what they seem. And honestly, taking it slow as the solution?? I'm not so sure. Maybe when you take things slow, it just takes longer for someone to reveal their true self to you. Me? I'm more the *ok, so I smoke, I don't drink, I have 2 kids, a bunch of weird quirks, and I'm pretty obsessive about a lot of things. Still wanna date me?* kind of girl.

[Side note - what really pisses me off about that is this: I'm pretty sure most men don't even HEAR me when I say that stuff. I am nearly certain they see my face, my body, and think *who the fuck cares, of course I want to date you!* And then, a couple months later, they are all like *hey, maybe you should think about quitting smoking....* And it's not that I'm THAT hot, it's that men are THAT blind.]

But, as Bex said yesterday: "You know, sometimes, people are like me, and they don't want to air out their dirty laundry right away."

Ok. Point taken. I'm just different, I guess. It probably stems from the fact that as an alcoholic, I've pretty much felt obligated to get that across right away (cuz really, if you don't want to date a non-drinker, this is something you should know). It's safest for me that way - I don't have to obsess whether or not my disease is going to be an issue for someone if I just put it out there. And possibly, it has led to me being rather blunt about my other faults, too.

[I completely grasp and have contemplated that it may also give me an *out* when someone is disappointed in me. Like a *hey, I never said I was perfect...* but having mulled over that, I am fairly certain that I'm not like that for that particular selfish reason.]

{Of course, I could be wrong, I never said I was perfect.}

And the other thing I'll comment on is this: I may have been a little hard on Tim for NOT being the person for me, but you know what? Looking back on it, he was rather honest. I knew from the beginning who he was and what he was all about. Yes, I'm a chick sometimes, so I'm sure I had some thoughts of "well, if I'm the one for him, he will settle down." So really, my anger was about me not being the one, not at him for being a douche.

I mean, yes, he's kind of a douche, but he never really claimed otherwise.

I'm not sure what's worse: disappointment that someone really IS who they seem to be or disappointment that someone ISN'T who they seem to be? I guess pain is pain, either which way, so....

At dinner last night was a guy (the most awesome gay guy I have ever met other than Uncle Rick, btw) who I have met before and when we were catching up, we started talking about writing and blogging and what-have-you. At one point he says "honestly, I haven't been doing much lately. I've been rather introspective, just doing a lot of thinking." And I said "Staying home alone a lot?" And he said "Yeah..."

I nodded knowingly. I totally got it.

Only when I do that, it's called isolating. And when I am introspective, my friends call it over-thinking or obsessing.

Perception is reality, right?

Just sayin'.

God Loves Detroit

2012-01-07T16:20:00.000-11:00

Dear God,

Please help my beloved Lions win tonight. The only thing better than actually making the play-offs would be to actually win a play off game.

Your Beloved,
Sarah

Anyways, I kind of have stuff to write about regarding the current boyfriend, but the game's on, I have a headache, and I'm emotionally drained right now.

Tomorrow.

Just sayin'.

Don't Torture Your Child. Karma is a Bitch.

2012-01-05T13:47:00.000-11:00

Well, apparently I had way too much fucking fun last night torturing my kid, because today sucked major donkey dick.

Mini has been out sick for 2 days.
My boss was in the ER last night (she's fine, btw) so she wasn't in.
The Bump had surgery on his rotator cuff this morning. (And while he's feeling fanfuckingtastic right now, he's in for some PAIN tomorrow.)
And Jeff was at the ER today with a dangerously high fever.

Fuck winters in Michigan. Everyone gets sick - even those who got a flu shot (like Mini). And its too motherfucking cold to get any stress relief lying at the beach. I mean, I suppose I could actually lay at the beach, but it's not relaxing in snow pants.

And then?? To top the day off in true asshole style, I did this:

*Hey Sarah, you know what would make you feel better? A bath. A nice hot bath with some de-caf... OH! I know, I'll just eat my dinner in there. Then I don't have to hear the boys fighting! Yes! Perfect. Calgon, take me away....*

Except I didn't know the kitten had snuck in and was hiding behind the shower curtain.

Oh yes, she did. Not only did she try to join me, she made me spill my entire plate of garlic chicken pasta (yes, from a frozen bag. shut up, it's really tasty.)

Enter Psycho Sarah.

She nearly killed the cat. However, the Rie-Man traded his life for hers. I will miss him.

I had about 10 minutes of psycho me feeling like my brain was going to explode and 45 minutes (and counting) of normal me feeling like I am the biggest idiot on the planet. Who thinks eating in the tub is a good idea, anyways? Crazy Sarah, apparently.

Anyways, I'm back to normal. Everything that was living prior to disastrous day is still, thankfully, currently living. I say it like that because it could very well be temporary. One of those damn cats is asking for it.

(I just wanted some pasta in peace....*sighs*)

Just sayin'.

The Adventures of the Rie-Man #897

2012-01-04T13:45:00.001-11:00

It's been awhile, so how about a good Rie quote for you?

So Mini-me got me a Christmas gift this year (cuz I'm THAT cool of a boss, uh hunh). [Ok, so she actually made a bunch of people Christmas gifts. But I prefer acting like I'm special.] She's broke and creative, so she came up with a really cute idea. She spray-painted items with chalk board paint and made little gift baskets.

In mine was a wine bottle (to use as a vase) and 2 mugs. They're really fun and cute, so yay for Mini for thinking of a great gift idea this year. My yahoos, however, have discovered how much fun they are to use and have, well, confiscated them as their own. [Hey Mini, can I trade my wine bottle for another mug??] [Totally kidding, btw, she doesn't even have my blog address.]

Tonight, while cooking dinner:

Me: Rie, I'm using this mug tonight, it is mine, ya know.
Rie: Too late, ma, see? I already wrote my name on it.
Me: *wipe wipe wipe* Hunh. Look. Now it's blank. Gimme my chalk.
Rie: No.
Me: Yes.
Rie: Mom. [very serious look on his face] Stop trying to pursued me to give you back the mug.
Me: *swallowing gut busting laughter* What?
Rie: *louder, because he assumed I hadn't heard him* Stop trying to pursued me. It's not going to work.
Me: *gut busting laughter* Dude, you totally mean persuade.
Rie: UGH! I hate when I do that!..... Wait, mom, where are you going?!!!.... MOMMMM! YOU CAN'T WRITE ABOUT THIS!
Me: OH YES I CAN!
Rie: Arggghhhh, gimme the laptop! STOP!
Me: NO WAY! This one's too good.
Rie: MOMMMMM! *look of death*
Me: Rie, you're never gonna pursued me not to write about this. *wink*

Bwahahahahahahahaha. Oh man, it must suck to my kid. But, hey, I survived the Bump with only one stint in rehab. They'll be fine.

Just sayin'.

2012 Begins

2012-01-02T10:23:00.000-11:00

Rather quietly, actually, and I like it.

My parents hosted a breakfast this morning. I skipped.   I actually fully intended to go, and even set my alarm and everything. When I woke up to it at 8, however, and looked outside at the freshly fallen frozen snow, I stared for like 90 seconds, debating with myself, before I said "fuck this" and moved on to the couch.

I felt really guilty about it, too, for a good hour. Then I decided that 1. I haven't really skipped any family events in a really long time [since I've been single, I've been all about family stuff - it's really easy when you don't have to compromise with a spouse] and 2. I have to get up and drive an hour in the awful snow all winter long. Yesterday the wind was blowing so freaking hard, I actually thought it was creepy. I had one tiny moment of *hey, maybe the world really is ending in 2012....* Then I remembered it's winter in Michigan. This is life. Staying inside one day was ok.   Justification or progress? Eh, I'll let you decide. You don't have to comment on it or anything if you've chosen *justification*. Jsyk.

Currently on the television is a show on E! called *Selling Spelling Manor*. I just witnessed Candy Spelling crying over leaving her "humble abode" for the last time. Not only have I changed the channel, but I barely kept down the vomit. Seriously.

The boys and I had a great New Year's Eve. We went to Jeff's house, where he lives on 10 acres or so in Almont, a country-ish town about 45 minutes north-west of here (compared to Tiny Town, it's the outright hicks). It was the first time I'd ever spent it with a date, and such a new one at that. Emerson thought he had died and gone to heaven. Jeff had him shooting his new BB gun at cans in the dark, at like 11 pm. And the guy owns every toy on the planet. As we walked into his house through his garage, Riley said in awe: *omigod Mom, he has everything! Is he rich or something??* *No, son, he's single.*

When we got ready to leave the next day, Emerson declared that he wanted to move in, or at the very least visit a few times a week. Well, son, seeing as he lives 45 minutes away, that may be a bit tough. But we'll do the best we can.

Yeah, I still can't figure out how I feel about Jeff.  I like it when we're together, I also like it when we go several days without seeing each other. So it is what it is. [Total honesty alert] I am literally scared that he is too nice for me. Like, I will end up walking all over him or something. I don't want to be a jerk, and I don't want to hurt him. But honestly, there is something inside me (and I assume a lot of people) that is more attracted to a challenging person than the person who would do anything for you. It puts a fear of *things being unequal* in me - I don't want him to like me more than I like him. I want us to like each other the same.

Re-reading that makes me feel yucky and crazy, but I just know from past experiences that I can be a real bitch to you if you let me. I don't like that and I will try and not let that part of me breathe any life, but I know it's there. I make actual efforts to keep that at bay. Ideally, I'd like to envision a life for me where 2 people are just sweet to each other, caring, and attentive and all that. I WANT that, but obviously I still have issues GETTING there. My life, especially my dating life, is so full of ups and downs that I claim to hate, but really? am I going to bored out of my skull if I find that elusive *happiness*?? THAT'S why *too nice* scares me. [Jesus, I sound like a self-destructive, narcissistic asshole....]

I love that I write honestly but, dude, it does reveal the assness in me so clearly, sometimes it's painful. But on the other hand, it clears things up for me and makes the crazy make sense. When I write about it, and re-read it, I can clearly see myself for what I really am. [And no worries, I'm totally over what my family, friends or readers think of it - you all know me better than I know myself anyways.] It lets me say to myself: well THAT'S something you need to stop doing.

Everyone should have some sort of way to become self-aware. It's a good thing, I think.

Just sayin'.

Happy New Year!

2011-12-31T08:19:00.000-11:00

I cannot believe (and I write this EVERY year) that as of tomorrow, I will be starting a new year of writing. It's amazing actually.

I am spending New Year's Eve with Jeff and his kids at his house. Hopefully, we will build a fire (he has a REAL fireplace!) and play some games. The boys are excited to be going somewhere other than Aunt Bex, Aunt Lu's or G-ma's. I guess I haven't really taken them out much lately. We've just been so busy....

This year feels weird, resolution-wise, because 1. I'm now skinny so that's out and 2. I never keep the goddman things anyways. Yes, I'd like to be more organized again, and absolutely, I'd like to save more money. But. Let's face it, I'm pretty happy living the way I do, so it's difficult to stay motivated for change.

Only one thing is nagging at the back of my brain, and I think it's because in January, I will be turning 35: *stop smoking, Sarah....you really should try....* I am ok with becoming crazy cat lady. I am ok with staying single the rest of my life and enjoying my friends and family. I am ok with never being rich. I am NOT ok with becoming that prematurely wrinkled, deep-voiced, hacking old smoker. *sighs* So NOT HOT.

We'll see.

Have a great New Year everyone! You know it's gonna be more of the same old shit, though, don't ya?

Just sayin'.

Ugh. So Irritated.

2011-12-29T10:09:00.000-11:00

I am home sick today. Every muscle in my body just aches. It's weird, too, because I'm not coughing and I'm not puking. I'm just nauseous and achey. Moving takes effort. And I'm not sure which medicine I have taken that has me feeling so irritated and on edge, but I'm thinking it's the robaxin for my back. I hate that shit and I will ONLY take it if I know I can stay home for the day. It really screws with me.

And I know said I wouldn't post about work anymore, but this is very general: I need to prepare my staff better. I was so irritated that this morning, when I called in (UNPAID, mind you, because my back sucked up every sick day I had), I got 456 phone calls about work related issues, specifically about opening the branch correctly.

At first I was angry at all of THEM for incompetence, but then I realized that it's all really MY fault. A good boss should be able to be out of the office for the day and know that the place will run just fine without her. I obviously have failed in this area. I'm not being sarcastic or narcissistic, either. This is really my bad. I have a tendency to feel like if I want something done right, I'll do it myself. Well. Talk about the ultimate backfire.

Yes, feeling needed is nice, but BEING needed isn't so great all of the time. Today was a real eye-opener. I can and will improve this, ASAP. It's really humbling realizing that their shortcomings are a DIRECT reflection of my lack of coaching. And by humbling, I mean depressing.

And my yahoos?? So I'm really glad that G-ma is such a great nanny that they are always busy and entertained but, really?? they can't stay home for ONE day and keep themselves entertained?? And right after Christmas, too, when they have all these brand new toys to play with?? Come on, go be creative and do something. If I could play Uno or Life all day with you, I'd have been able to go to work and actually get shit done.

Not that I don't love everyone in my life to death, I really do. I'm just cranky, sore, achey, and frustrated. In 3 more days, I'd have been able to get sick and be paid. Of course, I'd still be cranky, sore, achey and frustrated. But at least then, I wouldn't have to look at my bank account and moan. (Ok, yes, I would, but still.)

I am going to work tomorrow even if I sit on the sofa in our break room all damn day. Period.

Just sayin'.

Privacy Is a Thing of the Past.

2011-12-28T13:03:00.000-11:00

Apparently.

And so is my naivety.

So after editing a couple of blog posts and writing yesterday, I get a message this evening from Conner, an old friend that I recently wrote about, on facebook. In that message is a few links that he found in 10 minutes, showing me JUST how easy it is to find me. I kind of knew it was easy if you know my maiden name, and I also knew that googling *sarahkristen* would bring up my blog, but I was shocked at how easy it was to find me using my current, married name.

The reasons I find it so shocking is 1. While my maiden name is extremely uncommon, my married name is like the Irish Smith, so there are a million of me's out there. And 2. I never really tried, so in my naive thinking, I assumed I was fairly hidden. NOT SO.

What scares me about this is not work related. I can edit and censor what I write about work - and to be perfectly honest, I always knew I should be doing that, I just wasn't. No, what is really fucking scary is that I am a single mom who lives by herself, a single woman who DATES. And I have had not one, but TWO very scary instances where people have *found* me and come to my house uninvited. I hadn't written about them because, with at least one of them, I knew they had found my blog, too. And I was NOT going to give anyone the kind of attention that they were so clearly seeking.

Recently, Tink gave me her pepper spray thing-a-ma-jig and I have felt a shit ton better being somewhat armed. There are a lot of crazy people out there who don't take *no* for an answer. And that is the shit that's scary because you can't reason with crazy. [Or they wouldn't be crazy, right?]

I guess, in all reality, this new found knowledge won't change my life a whole lot, but I will be much more aware. Aware of what exactly? I dunno. Just more aware. Ideally, I wish I had a house big enough that I could have my brother live with me, or someone else that I know really well, just to have another adult around more, but for now, I have to make do with my 2 bedroom, basement-less abode that I currently adore.

And for any of you would-be stalkers out there: just leave me and my real life the fuck alone. Because, dude, crazy is NOT hot.

Just sayin'.

Last Post About Work For Awhile. I Swear.

2011-12-27T14:21:00.000-11:00

And it's not really even about work. I actually have to stop writing about work. Possibly for good. It's not good for career and I found out today that I am google-able. Which I didn't think I was unless you knew my middle name, which I don't tell people anymore, but someone found me. So I won't be writing about Christmas for a year and I won't be writing aobut work. What does that leave me with?

Surprisingly, a lot. Yahoos, family, friends, boys, other people's drama....

Speaking of other's people drama: I really feel bad about Tim's family, but to be honest, they are all bat shit crazy. (Dude, I thought I had issues...) I'm not even seeing the guy yet I feel pulled into the mess as if I were. But because I'm not, I am staying out of it by not answering any more phone calls or texts. Let this be a huge-ass lesson for me: DON'T DATE CUSTOMERS. As much as I loved the ease and convenience of him being right across the street, the so-not-worth-it down side is that I actually know and see both him and a lot of his friends and family AT WORK. Where I HAVE to be.

*what an asshole I am.*

We can all add that to our list of *don't do that again's*.

I've been a little caught up in my head lately. I hate that, by the way. There are times when I feel like I will never stop thinking and over-thinking and then analyzing, and re-analyzing shit. Sometimes it's just about how I'm feeling or internally reacting to something and I will just go over and over it until I am literally begging myself to go to bed.

A big part of this feeling is being a little more disconnected to people than I am used to being close to. Of course there's Bex, who I used to see 3-4 times a week. Now I see her once or twice. It's starting to get hard... I miss her. I have so many things going on that I just don't have as much time as I'd like.

The Girlz haven't hung out since our Christmas party because of our hectic holiday schedules. Girl Night should get back on track soon.

I'm not sure where Toph and Lu have been, but I'm assuming just as busy as me with work and the holidays. I need a good game night with my little brother.

My BFAW and I don't get to text or hang NEARLY as much as we do when he doesn't have a girlfriend. But seeing as his girlfriend is Mini-Me, I really want them to work out as I love them both so much. But selfishly, I miss the time and attention they both had for me before they started dating.

I've noticed that everything goes in cycles. For weeks at a time, maybe months, I'll feel super connected to everyone close to me. Then there are times when I feel a little more alone, like I'm not grounded to any real person. Those are the times when I feel most like a floater, or my freebird self. *shrugs* See what I mean by being all up in my head? I know. I, too, am bat shit crazy. What'dya gonna do?

Just sayin.'

Last Christmas Post for Awhile. I Swear.

2011-12-26T12:22:00.001-11:00

Just a couple of random updates first:

I have seen Jeff a few times, and things are, well, pretty nice. I don't know what else to say about him yet. Something in my head is keeping me from getting too enthusiastic about this and I honestly haven't figured out if it's: 1. I've gotten cynical about relationships and/or boys? 2. perhaps he's not the one? or 3. maybe I really have figured out to take things slow and not over-think it?

When I said to Bex: "I dunno, *shrugs* he stayed over last night and I was ready for him to go home this morning, but then 2 hours later I was, like, missing him..." She said: "Hunh. Maybe it's not the guys you're dating...."

Yeah, Bex. I KNOW. Once again, I GET that there's a shit ton of *operator error* going on. I just don't know what to do about it or how to fix it. And I know there are a lot of people out there with advice, and it's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't honestly know how to implement all the things people think I need to do. Anyways.

One thing I'm extremely glad for is not continuing to see Tim. There's been something about that whole situation that has bugged me, sort of an *unfinished business* feeling. Like, I knew for a while that he wasn't for me, yet I still wanted to see him, and then we didn't end things like normal people do. I just got tired of trying to communicate with him and he didn't seem to notice that I stopped trying. We literally just stopped. But today I spoke with his step-dad and some things make more sense now. First, I understand now why there is so much tension between him and his parents and second, I truly feel in my gut that I was dead-on when I told Tim the last time I saw him "there's something telling me I'm too good for you." I was right. I'll leave out the dramatic details, but suffice it to say, I'm glad I trusted my gut on that one.

[Work related content has been deleted. I hope you all had a chance to see it. I won't be writing about work anymore. At least for the foresee-able future. I made a promise to my old/future boss. I am not being careful enough. Thanks for understanding.]

Last, but not least, my life has literally been made better by this:

I got a Keurig. Thank you Bump and G-Ma.

Bring on the K-cups motherfuckers.

just sayin.

Christmas 2011 - Phew, We Made It Through Another One!

2011-12-25T13:43:00.000-11:00

Well.

I made it.

I have been clicking pictures like crazy, too. This year's Christmas story is going to be nearly told in with just pictures. It's taken me hours to go through and edit them, so I'm too exhausted to write much.

But here goes:

My favorite picture of the night is this one. Me and my yahoos. My definition of hapiness. Period.

The obligatory *I'm-a-grumpy-old-man-and-I'm-not-gonna-be-happy-no-matter-what* picture of the Reese's pieces.

Itchy and Emerson acting like ~~morons~~ themselves.

Me and the future President of the United States, my cousin Andrew. He just got engaged. He's really super smart in all other areas.

Itchy and The Bump acting like ~~morons~~ themselves.

My second favorite picture of Christmas Eve. Featuring, from left to right: Grumpy-Old-Man, Goofy-as-Shit, Clown-Of-All-Clowns and Sweetest-Kid-Alive.

Two sets of identical eyes. Me and The Rie-Man.

Friends forever, me and Lu.

Me and the Bump. Everyone say *Awwwww.*

And last but not least, posing like sitting Rockettes: the Pot-Stirrer, our cousin Nellie, and the one and only Bex.

I hope you all are having a very Merry Christmas! I am posting the pictures of my co-workers and our sweaters tomorrow. Stay tuned for more goofiness!

Just sayin'.

Random Ranting

2011-12-22T15:27:00.000-11:00

Santa is done wrapping presents. Sarah is not. Does it sound as dumb as it feels when I write in third person?

I had to get that damn tire fixed, again, on Tuesday. Why? Because I had nothing better to do than sit at Discount Tire on a night without the yahoos, thinking about the shit ton of un-wrapped presents sitting in my living room. [Apparently, the valve stem was stuck, causing a leak. SERIOUSLY?!]

Anyone who has a problem with me at work and wants to call HR to complain about me can suck it. Or stick it. Whichever you prefer. Either way, you are a gutless weasel and I'm not goin' anywhere so get used to it. [Work was not great today, by the way.]

If I tell you that I don't have $12,000 in large bills to give you, before you respond, keep these things in mind:

Yes, I am AWARE that this is indeed a BANK.
On December 22nd, you have to get up pretty early to get that kind of dough. Cash is the same as every other *product* on this planet. Sometimes it is in stock, sometimes it is not. Everyone has already beaten you to the *large, crisp, new bills, please* request. [Even when I order extra.]
I wouldn't be allowed to give out that much money to a non-customer even if I wanted to. Which I don't, because I want to save it for my actual customers. Go take it to YOUR bank.
Of course I know that YOUR bank will place a hold on the check. So would we. *Official,* *Bank,* and *Cashier's* checks are all copied just as much as every other check out there so banks take precautions, dude. Blame the criminals.
We can argue about it all goddamn day. I will just keep thinking of new ways to tell you same damn thing and I will still get to win.
No, you aren't ruining my day, it was already pretty rotten. You're actually making it better because, like I said: I will get to win.

Merry fuckin' Christmas everyone.

Just sayin'.

Definitely a holidaze.

2011-12-21T14:03:00.000-11:00

Can't write.

Can't relax.

Too much to do and I'm running out of nights.

I will write and sleep after Christmas. When I can relax and enjoy myself again....back to that goddamn sweater....

Just sayin'.

My Sweater is Better - The Holidaze

2011-12-19T14:15:00.000-11:00

1. I love it when this happens: some days my blog becomes less of a *Sarah's Story* and more of a *Hey Jackass Forum* mainly used by The Walking Man and The Bump to point out how much more than me they know. I love it. I hope you all read the comments, many days they are more interesting than the actual posts.

and

2. I am feeling like the ultra-cool, ultra-fun boss tonight.

One of the tellers at work came up with an idea last week that we should wear or make a *ridiculous* holiday sweater to wear both on Friday, the 23rd and to our work party, which is between the holidays. [This is kind of a play on the *Ugly Sweater Party* that everyone does for the holidays, more of a make-your-own-ridiculous-sweater thing. (Yet professional. I swear.)] Everyone got super excited about it, too, until I told them that we had to get permission to do it. [Booooo for being the boss.] Obviously the bank has a pretty strict dress code, we don't even have casual days. Like, ever.

My branch manager liked the idea, but said we'd have to get permission from Jo [regional manager] to do it, doubting very much that we'd get her approval. After a couple of days of ~~nagging~~ politely asking my boss if she'd asked Jo yet, she finally said, "Sarah, you can email Jo and ask her if it really means that much to the tellers. I just don't think she's going to say yes."

Well, all I needed was permission to ASK, of course. I even looked up the dress code so I could quote it, and assured her we would all keep it *as professional as possible*. We even snapped a picture, thinking that if she said no, we would resort to begging.

Oh, yes. That's me, begging.

When we didn't hear back from her, however, for almost a week, we all kind of decided that was an outright *NO*. My manager commented that "she may have been so annoyed at the request that she just decided to ignore it." Ok then. I will NOT be sending the picture then. That's fa sho.

Then, today, out of nowhere, I got an email just before lunch. It read:

Sarah,
I approve.

And I appreciate the fact that you looked up the dress code first. Have fun and make sure everyone is professional.
Jo

Oooooohhh!! Yay! *small little cheers of victory* And I admit, a somewhat sizable sigh of relief. She was NOT annoyed, and my co-workers think I'm awesome for asking!!!

Because I am dead broke from 1. the holidays, 2. the tire, 3. the cat and 4. LIFE - I chose to head to the Salvation Army [where, by the way, did you know you have to shop right after HALLOWEEN to find a holiday sweater????] where I picked up a red sweater for $3.00 and took it to my mom's and said "What do you have that I can use to decorate this?!"

She had so many little goodies that I didn't even have to go to the craft store. Yet. I may get a little over-ambitious. [Who? me?!] But I know the people I work with, and they are nothing if not enthusiastic, fun and really fucking competitive.

I have to go sew now.

Happy holidaze!

Just sayin'.

I Know, Right?!

2011-12-17T11:27:00.000-11:00

Sometimes, I write an entire post in response to one comment. This is one. TWM:

Dude.

I'm telling ya, the spare would not come off. You can ask my dad. Right, Bump?

It's underneath the minivan, attached with some sort of cable and I dunno *shrugs* WHY, but NO ONE who tried to help could get the damned thing off. And let me tell ya, it was quite the spectacle at one point.

Anywho, seeing the Other Jeff tonight. He's taking me and the boys out to dinner as just friends. I just want to be friends right now. Why? I dunno. I just do.

Additionally, I keep feeling like complaining *I hate being alone during the holidays* but then I look around me and I realize: I am so far from alone, every time I have that thought I deserve to be shot. Or maybe just smacked on the forehead with a butter knife or something. No need to be all dramatic or anything.

*shrugs again* "I dunno" may become my new motto.

Just sayin'. Or rather I dunno.

Just Keep Writing/The Real Reason I Miss Being Married

2011-12-16T14:26:00.000-11:00

It was a toss up on the title, obviously.

There is nothing like a really fucking miserable day to make you grateful for the people around you.

Just a few minutes from work, by car started pulling to one side. I could tell that a tire was low and when I pulled in and got out, Mini-me was pulling in at the same time. "Dude, boss, your tire is like, flat." *sighs* "Yep, only I don't know what to do about it."

"We can go at lunch and fill it..."

"Really?! You know how to do that? I was just going through the list in my head of what men I can call, but most aren't anywhere NEAR Rochester...."

But, by lunch (and we took the 11 a.m. ones, it's the only one I can double up on, then it gets too busy), the tire was completely flat. In the mean time, the morning had already turned disastrous via customer issues and such and this, just well... this just sucked. Of course, the only two useful men at work were both on vacation. (My BFAW and Marc, ovvie.) (When I told the third guy at work, our *private client* guy, he literally laughed and said "oh man, that SUCKS!" Hey, pussy, thanks for the help!) (And yes, it's shameful that I assume if you were born with a penis that you were also born with the desire to help those born with vaginas. I know, it's so sexist of me. But still.)

Mini-me and I looked at it, looked at each other and started down the list of boys to call. Dude, we both have magical vaginas, we can totally find someone to help with this.

First I called Jeff, as Tim, I think, is 1. off my radar for now [completely. player.] and 2. not really the kind of guy who comes to my mind when in need. Jeff is the other guy that I recently met - and he just seems like that kind of person, the kind of guy who loves being needed. However, he didn't answer. He was working.

Next was a friend of Mini-me, but he was also working. I tried Mechanic Matt and he said he'd come help right after work. At 7 p.m. Ugh.

Well. Move on to The Hero. Good old Uncle Topher will surely come to my rescue. And he totally would have, too. But he was all the way back home - nearly an hour away [well, maybe not mid-day] and I wanted to give a couple more people a try first, as Topher said he did have to work at 4.

So maybe Marc? He lives right around the block. And you know? I gotta give it to the kid - he did come by right away, and Topher talked him through the steps to get the jack and the spare out. And he worked at it for a really long time, too. But the Goddamned spare WOULD NOT COME OFF. What the fuck? Really?

Even a couple of regular customers, who had stopped in at the bank, tried to help us - but the goddamned spare was a stubborn stuck motherfucker.

And by now, it was getting too late for my brother to be able to drive out and back in time for work. Fuck. My dad txted me and I called him, but I couldn't even talk because work is so crazy and I always have at least 2 people trying to say things to me at every moment of the day. When it finally got to the point that my only 2 options left were to call dh [blech] or ask my dad, my dad offered and said he was on his way.

So, despite two magical vaginas, our feminine wiles were futile. There's no one like family. Especially when you're in need.

At some point a customer came in and said "hey guys, do you know there's a minivan in the parking lot without a tire on it? Just sitting there?" Oh? I guess my dad couldn't get the spare off either...did he take it to a tire store for me? Really? I almost started crying. And I mean, I could barely keep it in. My ABM looks over at me and says, kinda laughingly "awww your dad really loves you..."

OMG, stop. Because, I know, RIGHT?!

Last week, the heater, this week, a tire?? And yes, I did cry on the way home.

Somehow my dad managed to find, buy and bill me for a tire that costs $8,852.50. Oh wait, add $50 because he broke a nail. It must be gold-plated. I'm totally kidding about the first part. He did really bill me an extra $50 for the broken nail, though.

Once again, I owe you one, Dad. Put it on my tab. Can I pay it off sofa-style?

I was really touched by everyone today. Everyone was so helpful, or at least tried to be, I feel like a really lucky girl. Despite having an extremely stressful day full of stressed out customers [the holidays are financially fucking rough, dude...] and tyring to get my tire fixed - I still feel like a lucky girl.

And while yes, I had many moments of *this is when being alone sucks ass because I have no one real person to share my stress with* *fuck I hate cars* and *I miss having a husband to call and get this taken care of,* I also had my fair share of *omigod I have a really great family and some truly good friends in my life* moments.

And so when I got home and read my comments from yesterday's blog, I did just that - I decided to keep on writing so I could tell you all about it. I still can't believe my dad did all that.

Just sayin'.

They Grow Up So Fast, Don't They?

2011-12-15T14:44:00.000-11:00

It's picture time again.

[I often wonder what my readers like better - when I write or when I show off my family? Feel free to answer. I may or may not adjust my blogging accordingly.]

Anywho.

For his sixth grade band concert, my very tall, very grown up, very handsome son had to wear a suit. It nearly made me cry. He's just so dang handsome, this kid. Well, they both are, actually. But Riley's mouth tends to open and well... you know.

His joy to have his picture taken with his mom is currently overwhelming him.

I obviously wanted him to keep having so much fun.

I'm a giver.

*Yay for moms everywhere, we always get to win.*

Dude. I can barely look at this one.

...sniffle...

His band teacher is really cool, too.

Those are pretend reindeer antlers he is wearing, NOT a basketball net.

My favorite part about this picture is the fact that it's clear he finds both mom and dad equally annoying.

Friggin' 11 year olds. Sheesh.

My favorite part about this picture is how cool Emerson looks.

The other thing I like in this picture is the trash can.

In fact, Emerson is getting so tall, we snapped this picture at the Girlz Christmas Party tonight - he's almost as tall as his Aunt Tink.

But since she's like 3'4", this doesn't bring me to tears.

Just sayin'.

Really? I'm fucking wrapping presents again already?!

2011-12-14T13:33:00.001-11:00

Dude, time flies. This year, as horrible as it sounds, I actually feel like the holidays are getting on my nerves. Dh is acting like a real ass in ways that I have no control over. On a personal level, he and I get along great. We've always been able to talk (well, since we got divorced anyways, go figure) about nearly everything as long as I'm not feeling bitter or angry or something (and I get over those things rather fast). But the last couple of weeks, he's been bitching about money, late paying my mom, completely inattentive to the boys' school, and consistently getting the boys to school late.

I've tried talking to him, but I don't know what's up. He says everything's fine, and really? How many *fights* do you pick about petty things? I am hoping he gets his act together, at the very least where the boys are concerned before I have to actually start fighting with him.

I can't even begin to tell you how much fun it was to make him pose for this picture last night at Emerson's band concert.

Note how thrilled he looks? Bwahahahaha. Ah yes, sometimes I can be a total asswipe. Nothing makes me smile more than making HIM uncomfortable. If I did Christmas cards, this would totally be my picture. I'm not even kidding. And I'd send one to dh's house, too. Addressed to *Dh and Whore* obviously.

Tonight feels like a *boys* update night.

I guess I never wrote about why my BFAW and I have never dated. Because, Kristin, you're right, he's totally a hottie (when he wants to be) (that is, when he isn't acting like a 2 year old). Just so that you don't have to scroll down, I'll remind everyone.

See? <- total cutie.

However. We tell people we wouldn't ever date because we work together, but the truth is this: we have seriously considered it. Considered it and rejected it. And it's not because of work, or the fact that there, I am his superior, although I am. [tee hee]

On my part, it is because he is young. Not incredibly young or anything, he will be 29 in January. But, he has never been married and doesn't have any kids. He wants a family one day, more than anything. If I were in my 20s and still able to produce more yahoos, I'd totally have given him a shot.

But I'm not. And it is what it is. [For his part, he has always said it was work.] He is so awesome, he deserves someone who can give him everything he wants. He deserves to be with someone who is at the same point in their life as he is. Although there is an attraction, and we get along like we've been married for years, in all reality, his life consists of a lot of friends and a lot of concerts and stuff. I only live that life 1/2 the time. I am a freebird only when I don't have the yahoos. Just picturing trying to make his life conform to mine (band concerts, homework, school conferences, staying home with the kids a lot, etc, etc...) makes my stomach tighten.

That's not what I want for him, and that's not what he wants, either. The only downside to our friendship, thus far, has been how we sometimes have had hard times adjusting to the other person dating. And by we, I mean he. It's been a Godsend that he started dating Marcia (who is called *Mini-me* at the branch, by the way, and no, that irony escapes no one) because he has recently been doing much less *fault finding* in the people I choose to date, even going so far as to telling me what he likes about Tim. *yay for progress lol*

It's a very similar friendship to the one I have with Mechanic Matt. I also find Matt to be, you know, kinda hot. -> But, the differences with Matt and I are 1. I met him when I was married, actually and 2. we did try to date after the divorce.

It turned that we both literally just felt friend chemistry and not romantic [i.e. sexual] chemistry. He's also younger and a freebird. And he, too, deserves the best. (He's super in love with this Mel right now, and I hope they work out.)

But because we actually DID go out on a couple of dates together, and saw for ourselves that it really wasn't there, there's never been any jealous tension between us. Of course, we actually still flirt with each other, though, when we're together, but that's just the kinda people we are.

[As my assistant branch manager felt the need to point out one day to my BFAW when she saw me interacting with one of my well known customers, "it just doesn't ever turn off, does it?" She was talking about my flirting. Half the time, I'm not even aware of it. Sometimes I am, and I just don't care.]

This is what I want: I want that friendship and that connection that I have with both of them with a person who is at the same point in their life as me. But finding someone with a similar mix of *tied down* and *freebird* as me is proving difficult. [I am aware, obviously, that this could be due to operator error.]

Is Tim that guy?

*sighs* I just dunno...probably not? There is potential here, but I am not entirely sure that he's got the *same point in their life as me* part. He isn't sure either, actually. We absolutely have the friendship part down, he really makes me laugh. And, it's quite possible that because of that, I may get another fun, lifelong, friend out of it. And I think, as of right now, I'd be ok with that. He's a great guy, though, in a lot of ways, I will say that.

With him, I am at a *wait and see* point. I have really decided to just enjoy the time we spend together. I will probably date other guys, though. [And in the spirit of total disclosure, I did go out with someone else this past week. (It's ok, Tim knows, lol) He was a very nice guy...] I've never really done this before, this casual dating thing. I'm more of a *serial dater* as opposed to casually seeing more than one person, but maybe this will be good for me? I need to learn how to live in the moment.

I need to LEARN this. So I will PRACTICE it.

Just sayin'.

P.S. I have more pictures from the concert, but I haven't finished editing them yet. Will post 'em soon.

Nothing Like Throwing Your Back Out to Ruin Your Weekend

2011-12-11T13:25:00.000-11:00

Grrrrrrr.

I hosted another game night last night. It consisted of some work peeps and my friend, good old Mechanic Matt. There were some really great things about last night and a couple really sucky ones:

1. I was so freakin' proud of myself for starting the fire in the wood-burning stove last night. So, very, very proud [as in: see? I don't need a man] [mainly because I already had 2 men come and make sure it was operational mid-week. But whatevs]. BUT. It did not heat the garage. I was so bummed. I had started it a good 3 hours before anyone even showed up, kept checking on it, had it exactly how Bump told me to get it, yet... the garage was still too fucking cold to host a party out there.

After having thorough discussions in which a bunch of us went out there, stared at the damn thing, pondering the problem, we came up with 2 things:

The garage is literally too empty to heat adequately. And
Matt mentioned that he thought the old roof had been insulated when I first bought it, but when the roof was replaced, they didn't do that again. [Clearly there isn't any insulation now, and I think he's right. Jerry used to work on his Camaro out there all the time, but I did get the roof replaced weeks after I moved in.]

2. The other total bummer is this: I threw out my back again somehow. It started getting sore early in the afternoon and by the time I went to bed, I was having trouble moving. I wish I knew what particular action does this to me, but sometimes it seems like it just happens.

I am glad that I got a lot done yesterday, because today I did the whole muscle relaxer/anti-inflammatory/sofa thing all. fucking. day. You all know how much I love doing that. It feels like I slip in and out sleepiness all day when I have to do this. And honestly, I only feel worse right now. I don't have the time or desire to get through this. Not that I ever do.

Other than that, game night was a complete success. We laughed, we played, we laughed some more. I even have pictures for everyone!

Game night would not be complete without at least one total wipe out. Last night, apparently it was Matt's turn to totally suck ass. He did it very well, too. He literally could not grab a spoon for the life of him.

*eye rolls* pussy.

Rachel was clearly having a good time. I think she made this face every time Matt was unable to grab a spoon.

*sighs* she's so much like me.

We eventually moved on to a game called *Quelf*. It not only has a dumb name but it also makes you do really stupid shit like this. That's Marcia's version of *an article of clothing with a chin strap* by the way. We let it count.

Or drink from the opposite side of a glass. This was extremely hard to do with my back killing me and 5 assholes making me laugh. But I did it. Ovvie.

This is my BFAW, [who incidentally is actually dating Marcia now, two pics above] re-enacting a *spoon and count out loud* thing for me.

And this is my BFAW in a rare moment of not making a goofy face. Isn't he so handsome? I think those two could really make each other happy if they want to.

Oh, and then tonight, I was able to finally get a good picture of this:

Pixie and Pandora sleep together all the time, now. When Pandora settles down long enough to actually be still, that is. On the other hand, there's Pixie, who's all like *sleep is my favorite thing in the world, dude*. I love that damn cat.

I kinda have some updates on the dating game, but I'm too exhausted from thinking about it too much as it is, I don't feel like writing about it tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

Dude, my back hurts, guys. *sad face*

Just sayin'.

Introducing Connor MacLeoud

2011-12-09T15:16:00.000-11:00

I've recently met a new/old friend.

[And no, it's not like that. Seriously, a friend. And old friend, but yet new.]

A couple weeks back I get a friend request from some guy but I didn't recognize the name, I mean not at all. But in the message, it read "hey sarah, it's me, your old neighbor, we grew up together...." It continued to explain that he had changed his name permanently so that he would no longer bear the name of his birth father who, well...basically abandoned him. *douche*

Intrigued, already, aren't you?

Then, on Thursday, he started a blog. [On which he's already given me a shout out!] He's new, but his honest writing has already touched on some very serious topics. I hope you all get a chance to check him out, say hi, wish him luck, or whatever we do here in the writing world...

It Can't Rain All the Time
by Connor MacLeoud

Keep in touch, Connor [it still feels odd, like I'm practicing that's his name...additionally, is that a reference to The Crow?]. And keep writing, you'll love it.

Just sayin'.

More Zellie Bellie

2011-12-08T12:26:00.000-11:00

...because I can and I want to, Ima bore you with more puppy pics tonight. *grin*

Ok. Who's cuter?

Zellie with Lu?

Or Zellie with the fantablulous, super-awesome, pet lovin' Aunt Zaad [me]??

I know. I know. Just Zellie.

Photobucket rocks hardcore. Look how cool Zellie looks with a bunch of editing!

Ok, that's all tonight.

Just sayin'.

One Thousand Posts, 5037 Cuss Words

2011-12-07T13:25:00.000-11:00

1000 - Number of posts I've written on this blog.

It seems an appropriate time to play the numbers game. And yes, I've made up most of them. [That was a disclaimer for any idiots who actually think I've counted number of times I've sworn on my blog. As if, even as a banker, I'd be able to count that high and not lose track.]

565 - dollars I am out of balance in my rolling 12 month report. I won't be telling my tellers [heheh] that yes, I have the highest outages.

4,598,400 - things I think about while working, hence the outages.

2 - number of kids I can handle at a time. Because God is no dummy.

48 - minutes of awkwardness at Girlz Night tonight before we figured out that we were all just going to ignore the most recent outburst of arguing.

9 - amount of boys I've ~~discarded~~ decided I wouldn't work with since I got divorced. [Overthinker? Commitment-phobe? Hard to please? All of the above?] I did not count Tough Guy twice. Should I?

1 - number of boys that have broken my heart since the divorce. Coincidentally the same *one* who divorced me. *Douche*

10 - number of times I've uttered the words *It's just that now isn't a great time for me....* or something of the sort.

1,203 - times I've decided I love sex more than food.

3 - times I've thought I'd met *the one*. Or rather *the next one.* Whatevs.

20-something - Age I've decided to permanently be. Yes, that is an option. And yes, I can totally pull it off.

67 - thoughts I've had of robbing a casino just so I could have more money to actually give back to said casino via the 2 cent slot machines.

4,587,980 - number of times I've annoyed someone. This year. [What was that? Add one? Fine. I don't give a fuck.]

356 - days in a year that I wake up grateful for my family, my job, my friends, and my life. The other nine I wake up as a complete asshole. It happens.

And a million *thank you*s to everyone who reads. It encourages me to keep writing, and I am thankful.

For the thousandth time: Just sayin'.

Game ON

2011-12-06T16:15:00.000-11:00

I have the BEST fucking family EVER.
Dude.
My DAD, the Bump and my BROTHER, Toph, came to my house today, while I was at work, just to try and get my wood-burning stove working so that, on Saturday, I can host a better Game Night in my warm garage than the one my tiny sunroom!

*oooooh shakes fists in tiny cheers oooooooh* thank you thankyou thankyouthankyou

So! Everyone's invited! EVERYONE. Except, if possible, the kids, lol. Mine are at dh's so there won't be anyone here to entertain them.

I am so excited, and so grateful! Thank you, Bump and Toph. My heros, lol.

So... Who's in?

So Many Things, So Little Blog Space

2011-12-05T13:45:00.001-11:00

Big day today.

Sometimes I sit down at the computer and think "aw fuck...I dunno what to write about..." and then there are days like today when I sit down and go "aw fuck...where do I even begin?"

Yahoos
The Rie-Man wants a big-ass Lego bridge for Christmas. It's $300.00. I spent the better part of last evening eBay-ing [yeah, that's a verb] the damn thing and have decided the kid is just going to get other stuff. [Total Mom Comment Alert: "You know, if you tried, you probably have all the pieces to build that thing anyways. They're all in the bins, in your room, go be creative. Want me to print a picture of it for you??"]

Emerson wants a kiss. But not from ME. Oh no. From *Abbie.* I am keeping my promise not to tease him as long as he stays talking to me about EVERYTHING. [Do you even know how hard that one is???]

Family
Bex finishes LAW SCHOOL in 7 days!!! Law school, people. I mean, seriously. Kinda fucking awesome. [Unless, of course, you don't like lawyers.]
All others: same.

Writing
I have one less follower today. Hunh. And I thought I was so entertaining. *shrugs* whatevs.

Friends
Well. Tink is, like, super pissed at me. It's been a rough couple of days. I am not going to write about it too much so I don't make it worse, but well, let's just say it's not fun arguing with your friends, and it's REALLY not fun knowing that you can't make everyone happy. [I'd really like a few extra free days in my week, but well, it is what it is.]

Work
It has begun: Operation World Domination. Today it was announced that Amy [my old manager] would be switching branches on January 1st. My current manager heard the news and immediately called her with this: "You're taking my Teller Sup, aren't you? They are giving you an ABM and you are going to pick Sarah, aren't you?" To which Amy apparently replied with "Yes." *small little woo hoos for me* *not big ones, because I actually like being at this branch.*

It's definitely flattering knowing that my current manager likes me and wants me to stay, but I simply cannot wait to be back together with Amy. It's going to be monumental - we are going to kick bank ass and make a ton of money. THEN we are going to take over the world.

I have so much to be grateful for at my job. I also have a lot to look forward to. It may take up to 6 months for my managers to get everything in place for the new ABM position, but it will happen. And now that it's out in the open what the plan is and where I will be going, I can finally start planning at work. I can now openly discuss who will take over for me with my manager. It's refreshing, and exciting. In the mean time, I am still going to be traveling for 2 weeks in March. *more woo hoos!* I love having a career. I really do.

Sanity
Totally getting it back together.

Just sayin'.

Zellie Jalapeno

2011-12-04T12:35:00.000-11:00

Other than a crap ton of relaxing, the only real thing I did today was go to my sister's to visit their new baby. They adopted a puppy as a Christmas gift for Itchy and Reese, and she arrived a little early, coming home this morning.

She looks like a lab, but she's not, she's a mixture of some other breeds that I obviously can't remember right now. She's so freakin' cute. The entire time I was there, we were either holding her or staring at her. Puppies are so entertaining, by the way, even just the way they run makes you smile.

So without further ado:

Zelda Jalapeno.

Yes, they named their dog Zellie Jalapeno.

It's a rather kick-ass name, if you ask me.

It nearly makes me want to have a puppy. Well maybe *nearly* is a strong word. ~~If I weren't nipple deep in pussy right now~~ If I didn't feel two cats were enough for me, I'd probably feel a slight desire for a dog. But, two cats - one fat and one crazy - are clearly all that I can handle.

It was a joy, however, to watch the boys all play with her. It was fun to hold her and snuggle her while she's still so tiny. And so motherfucking cute. I mean, who can resist this:

She rests her head on your shoulder when you hold her. Like a cuddly little baby. *sighs maternally* It will nice to visit her [and leave her and her messes when I want to] and watch her grow. Welcome to the family, Zellie. Sorry 'bout your luck.

Just sayin'.

It Is Written

2011-12-01T13:49:00.001-11:00

*chuckling* - I'll let you in on the joke:

So, I have this weird thing about me (ok, 2 weird things, maybe three: I also have a strange phone phobia and I can't get on a motorcycle or four-wheeler for the life of me): I don't like scribbles. And by not like, I mean, my life is literally better with white-out.

When we play games, I am usually the score-keeper. I like my lines straight, my handwriting is insanely neat, and I will. not. scribble. EVER. I'd rather start a new page. Literally. And I do. Often. It has become such a thing that Lulu and Topher now know better than to even try to change something once it is written. If I've written down you're score and you were wrong, well you're stuck with it. If I have the deal written a certain way, that's the way it is going to go. Unless you want me to start over.

So now, when I make a mistake during game night with Lu and Toph, we always start laughing our asses off and screaming "IT IS WRITTEN!" And it won't be changed - we find that hysterical.

What's the point of this story tonight? I'm not entirely sure, but I think it's related to my fears about jinxing certain things by writing about them. And tonight? Tonight, I broke off a date that I've had scheduled for awhile. I wanted to go through with the date so that I could convince myself that dating is still hopeful and good, but I just can't do it.

But, by breaking the date, I have that awful, scary feeling of *it is written*. I have made a decision I am not entirely sure of (mostly because I feel like I have hurt him now).
Still. There is a little voice in the back of my head whispering "you're passing up a really good thing..."

Just sayin'.

Sux Talk

2011-11-30T16:03:00.000-11:00

Today was not a great day. It started off by waking up with anxiety. That's never a good sign.

Please say a prayer for Lulu and Cody, as we just found out that he has a heart defect and needs some more extensive tests next week to figure out what's going on. He's scared, she's scared, I'm all like: dude, I got this, been there, done that, it sux but we'll get through it again. I promise.
Because of other circumstances, that I choose not to write about, I tossed and turned all night, getting very little sleep. The end product was a very un-productive employee today. What little work I did manage to concentrate on I fucked up anyways. I did a lot of things twice today. Very frustrating.
Dh bought the boys a puppy. Disney World and a dog, dude. *cringes* from the same guy who thinks I owe him half of an unpaid tax bill from 2007. If you can buy your kid's attention (note I did not say *buy your kids love* - they love him anyways, so it's so pointless), you can pay the damn $500. You cannot (not anymore, anyways) be broke in *some* areas and *not broke* in others, douche.

Tomorrow is going to be better. One of my tellers is NOT going to shut and lock the hours-long-time- delay-vault OPEN. Nope. It's going to better. Yep.

Just sayin'.

Thanksgiving Day Pics - Finally

2011-11-27T11:20:00.001-11:00

It's not my fault it takes me forever to get pics posted on here. It's technology's fault. Totally. So here goes, the whole day was filled with:

Games, of course. Like, Pirates Dice.

Family togetherness: Bex and The Pot Stirrer

More family togetherness, it's so nice that my kids could fake happiness for at least one picture:

Proof that I did actually do the dishes. For some reason, they all freak out and start taking pictures when I do anything domestic. Whatevs.

More family togetherness:

Lu, Topher, and The Bump giving the bird. In case anyone's wondering where I get my trucker mouth, it's right here:

Apparently both Lu and I got the *wear pink memo*:

My favorite picture of the night is this one, one of my tellers commented that I looked *so happy* and you know what? I was. I love my parents, I have very few pictures of me with them, and I will treasure this one forever:

Reese did his normal *dude, leave me alone. Why do we have to do all these freakin' family events all the time anyways* thing:

But I did manage to get a smile:

And my least favorite part of the night was when Topher kicked Lu and I's ass so bad at cards that we actually did this:

The *reads: "29 not-fair-lead given"

He still won.

Fucker.

And THAT is why I had such a great Thanksgiving. Just sayin'.

One of the Best Thanksgiving's Ever

2011-11-24T15:33:00.000-11:00

My yahoos were with me and we all went to G-ma and Bump's. We ate, we watched football and we played games. It was just so...relaxing and fun.

Anyways, I did take a bunch of pictures, however, I also promised the Rie-Man that I'd watch Pirates 4 with him onDemand.

I have a date with my son, so I'll upload the pics and write about it tomorrow.

Just sayin'.

Total Fucking Meltdown

2011-11-23T14:07:00.000-11:00

I have waited a week to see my kids. By no accident, it was one of the busiest weeks of my life [as in: I have a life, yes, I do] and I managed to get by with one teensy little moment of sadness on Sunday. But other than that? I did great.

Until they actually came home.

What. The. Fuck?

Total blindside by the emotions that surfaced upon their return. *sighs deeply*

Dh dropped them off at the branch [late, of course] with Stef [like some cute little family, fuck you both]. As we began our drive home, I started getting hit with an awful [God-awful] pang in my gut. And tears, fighting to break over, omigod, I was so angry and upset, I didn't even want to drive. Jealousy is the worst emotion ever, as it comes with all of these: anger, bitterness, sadness, regret and to be honest, something that feels like hatred.

And then, I started hating myself for feeling this way, for being this way. *What the fuck? Stop that already! OMG, you KNOW better!*

I texted Bumpa and Bex. I ended up heading straight to my mom and dad's, knowing full well that family always makes things better. I literally drove to my parents saying this in my head: "just get to mom's, cry with dad in the garage, get it out, be done with it, and move on." That's exactly what I did, too. Because you know what? I DO know better. I now know that I can let it out: it's ok.

It does suck, though, feeling like this. I did cry, and I am still sad. But another thing I know better now is that it will feel better in the morning. I'm glad they're home, and I can't wait to cuddle.

Of course, now I have to go back to sharing everything: like this computer. [and the tv, my bed, my shower, my snacks. MY SNACKS...]

*sighs again* Two steps forward, one step back. Still forward progress.

Just sayin'.

Home Sweet Home

2011-11-21T14:06:00.000-11:00

Phew. Feels good to be home. Don't get me wrong - I love the social butterfly part of me, but I also love me some alone time.

Today, it was a bit harder to push thoughts of the yahoos aside. I miss them.

My boring update part:

I was officially given notice that I am going to be a partner for the upcoming conversion in February. Woo hoo for me, but the joy is somewhat dampened by the fact that my BFAW did not get chosen. We kinda knew that he wouldn't, given all of the applicants, but it stinks all the same. I have the advantage of being both a banker and a teller, plus, I schmooze really well, and I am just more experienced than he is. He will get there, though, he is really talented. So I'm really excited, but I'll downplay it at work.
Dating is going, well, it is going. Doing the whole *take it really slow and casual* thing leaves me very little to write about. Mostly because I am just trying not to think about it much, so I don't want to write about it anyways.
I have been getting back in touch with all of my old friends, though, and that has been really fun. I always feel like my world widens so much when I put the effort into getting out there. It's almost more fun going out and enjoying your night with your friends than worrying about a date. It's more relaxing and I find that I am more open to meeting new people (and enjoying it) when I'm relaxed.

My barely-more-interesting intellectual part:

I have been feeling really good about myself lately. And not in that sarcastic, *look how awesome I am*, *dude I'm fucking hawt* kind of way, either. I have been feeling this new sense of confidence. I know that my peeps at work would probably be surprised to know I felt like this because they honestly think I'm this confident, poised woman who has it all together, most of the time.

I have felt like that at work for a long time now, with dips here and there, of course. But really, for the most part, when I'm at work, I feel in control, smart, and like I DO have it all together, most of the time. And then at home, it's not like I fall apart or anything - nothing near that - but I will admit that in other matters I somewhat feel like I fall short. Those other matters would be things like: mothering, housekeeping, finances, etc.

Of course, I know I've come a long way. Of course I GET THAT. But recently, and very sincerely, I have started to actually FEEL great. TJ has a friend who is currently staying in his basement that reminds me so much of who I COULD have become, it has been really enlightening. I am proud of myself. I am proud that I chose to stop drinking, and I chose to live. Now, I choose to keep it all together, and I choose not to stress or guilt myself over the things I am NOT great at. [As in: it is OK to pay someone to do your leaves. They're getting done, aren't they? It is OK that you're laundry sat in baskets until tonight because I chose to socialize all weekend. It's all put away now, isn't it?]

I like it, it feels really good. I was talking to my dad about this yesterday: I have my kids, my family, my friends, my career, and my house. And I AM keeping it all together. ME. This girl. *points to self*.

Just sayin'.

Quotes from The Rie-Man Part One

2011-11-17T15:07:00.000-11:00

"It's weird mom. It's like everyone at the new elementary school already knew who I was when I got here. Like all the teachers and stuff. Like I'm FAMOUS or something." Of course they did, Riley. Mother utters: "No, son, we call that infamous." *picturing all the other third grade teachers standing around the break room, high-fiving*

"Emerson said he's in love with Abbie. Do you know what that means, Mom? He's been sucked into *shudders* Girl Land. And he's NEVER coming back." * Mother stares blankly at child* and states: "Your turn will come." Child shudders and hisses fiercely "never." Bwahahahahahaahaha. HE is going to get blind-sided one day.

"Aw mom, I wish you were coming to Disney World. I mean, you would only have to pay for yourself! I'm sure dad and Stef won't mind!" *yeee-ahhh, right, son.* Mother takes a deep breath and and hides sadness: "Aw, Rie, I'm sorry, but not this time, buddy. Ride every ride, though, ok?"

I miss them tonight, but Emerson called me this evening, just like I asked him to. Just to tell me the trip was safe. I told them both to have a blast and smiled as we hung up. They're good kids, they deserve this.

On a totally un-related note: TJ asked me to help him figure out what the hell he was doing with his business books. I just spent the last 3 hours getting his books up to date and showing him the efficient way I set it up for him. He was really grateful that I did that. I was really grateful that I felt smart, and helpful, and good at something. And responsible.

God, that felt great.

I mean, really, look how far I've come. *smiles*

Just sayin'.

Weight. What?

2011-11-15T14:06:00.000-11:00

I have issues.

I mean, clearly.

What are today's current issues? I think I'm going to cover 1. My weight 2. The Rie-Man 3. Work and end with 4. My sister.

1. My weight.

Ok. So I wanna be thin, right? Of course I do. I motherfucking love it. However, as I've written before, this isn't as simple as it seems. Not that I am struggling with losing weight, mind you, no - not at all. My problem is more of a *what the fuck, I can never get it right* problem. [Enter more obsessing - I KNOW, people. I KNOW.]

I had a doctor's appointment today - my normal med and blood pressure check. I am currently at 145. Fully clothed, shoes and coat. Which means, I'm down 5 pounds. Why? Because, once again, I'm not hungry. Why? I don't really know. My stomach is always kind of blah. All day long. I think I need Prilosec or something. It has always helped in the past.

However, what concerns me more, is what I think to be the CAUSE of my ever-fluctuating appetite. I noticed that while dating JD, I was eating just fine. And now I'm not again. I'm scared that, even though I want to be all *Ms. Independent-great on my own-I don't need a man*, I don't think I actually AM. I think that I shove my darker, scarier emotions of insecurity, loneliness and things of that sort so far down that I don't even acknowledge them. I just stop eating.

It may be time to go back to therapy and work some of this shit out. But who has the time?? And I've been considering THIS my therapy for a long time, and I like it. But seriously, somethings not clicking.

And if you don't think I'm crazy yet, let me continue with THIS: one of the reasons that I don't want to stop smoking (or take any meds either) is because I don't want to gain weight.

*shakes head disgustedly* I know - I even frustrate myself. The thing is, I want to be thin, I just want it to be on MY terms and I want an appetite.

2. The Rie-Man

Best conference ever.

I nearly walked out and back in again, thinking I was in the wrong classroom. But no, it's true, The Rie-Man had a wonderful review.

[You know, besides the whole *making that little girl cry by breaking her pencil* thing and the *hey, do I fit in this locker? Why, yes, I do. Oh shit, someone shut the door* incident last week. Other than THAT, he's great.]

3. Work

Exciting news: I am probably be going to be picked to be a *Partner*. What is this, you ask? Well, my bank has recently acquired a bunch of branches down south and some of us will get to travel for TWO WEEKS to help with conversion. I am praying for one of the Carolinas, I've never been.

Basically, I will be going into a branch and working with them and teaching them all about our bank and our systems. I'll be like an in-house expert to guide them through a successful conversion.

It's not set in stone yet, but my manager got word today that both she and I will probably be going. It's a huge honor, everyone I know applied to do it. We all want to go for numerous reasons: it's something new, it's GREAT for the resume, only the best-of-the-best get to go, [Top Gun for bankers, so to speak] and let's not leave out: the South? In February? Bring it!!!! Fuck the snow! *Please be a Carolina, please, please, please!* Florida has already been filled by the execs who got to pick first. Fuckers.

Yes, I will have to figure out the kid thing, but for all the traveling dh has done over the years, I figure he owes me. BIG TIME.

4. My sister.

This was Sunday, at the Theatre. Hot pair, no?

Just sayin'.

Social Butterfly

2011-11-14T14:29:00.001-11:00

But very bad blogger. It turned out to be a great weekend.

On Saturday, I went to Itchy's last football game where I froze my ass off for 2 hours because I was extremely early. I got to see a lot of practice, though. Saturday was also my date with The Jerk. We had fun.

Sunday was pretty much filled with lots of family, and one BFAW: we all trekked out to Chelsea, MI, to the Purple Rose Theatre and watched *Escanaba in da Moonlight.* It was fucking hilarious. And I mean, laugh out loud-spit your pop out-shut the fuck up, funny. The Purple Rose Theatre is a project started by Jeff Daniels, years ago, and my parents are huge fans. And I have to say, it was totally worth the trip.

After the play, and dinner, and driving, I then went to see Lulu's new townhouse. Very cute, very cozy, and I am very happy for her. Because we didn't apparently get enough of each other, the three of us then played UNO until I was: 1. exhausted and 2. in the 400s. [I'm not kidding. I ended with 440 points.] [I usually win at UNO, I'm not sure what was up.] [Exhaustion.]

And then: back to work.

*sigh*

So what's with The Jerk, you're probably asking? Well. For the first time in a long, long, time, I have no fucking clue. Because I am determined to go slow, be patient, and not rush things the way I always do, I REALLY am confused. Quite frankly, I really don't know how to do things this way.
UGH. It's just so confusing. I can literally go rounds for hours in my head about *what ifs* and *what about?* but I'm practicing NOT doing it. It feels similar to blocking cravings: PRACTICE thinking about other things. Literally, change the tape in my head and start something different. Nothing will actually stop the tape, short of prescription medication [again, not kidding] but I can learn to make this a habit. Just like I did with craving a drink.

BECAUSE: (And 12 steppers will totally get this) (And mind you, I have been in AA for over 5 years) (and I remember thinking, ONE year sober, that I knew it all) (ha): I am learning how to apply the lessons in ALL of my affairs. Not just sobriety. The things they teach you in AA really work, at least they did for me. And I think, I'll just speak for myself on that one. But I am going to try these things that helped me not obsess over alcohol and try not to obsess over a guy.

So you know what this means? One day? One day, I am going to quit smoking. I now know this. It isn't today, but I will quit one day, using those same techniques. It feels like a revelation because, honestly, up until recently, I just felt like I NEVER even wanted to think about EVER quitting. I never thought I'd be able to and I haven't wanted to set myself up for failure.

But CLEARLY, I do NOT know it all. So I am feeling very open to learning lately.

I like it.

Just sayin'.

Facebook Style

2011-11-11T15:16:00.000-11:00

OMG.

Best day ever. Slept in, cleaned my house, picked up my kids, went grocery shopping and then to the fam's for pizza and cards. Yay life!

Obviously, what I would leave out from such a facebook status are the following things:

1. Got in a big blow up fight with Bex, which sucked, but turned out ok.
2. Then I went into the grocery store for pop and milk and spent $178.00. I'm not kidding. (Fuckin' spawn.)
3. Lu went through hell trying to get the new townhouse rented. But she DOES have the keys, despite the tears.
4. I'd also leave out the fact that I checked my phone a gazillion times to see if The Jerk had texted or not, like an IDIOT. When he texted, jokingly, "miss me today?" [because I do nearly "see" him every day at the branch], I almost replied with "Shut up." because I DON'T want to miss him yet. Because that is fucking scary dude. (Fuckin' phones.)
5. ....and that I am also trying not to think about the kids going to Disney World next week, with dh and Stef, without me. I am trying to STOP that voice in my head that is whispering "I wish I were taking them...I wish I could..." because, well, it's just painful.

But you know, OTHERWISE it sums my day.

Just sayin'.

And Then This Is What Happened

2011-11-08T14:39:00.000-11:00

Right after calling/txting/whatever-that-was, I turned on my computer, signed onto facebook [as per my daily ritual, then blog, etc] and see that I have a friend request pending. It was TJ. So this is how it played out:

I accept the friend request, and at the same time, my phone rings. I look down, see TJ's number and immediately think "NO! I txted because I'm literally the worst phone talker, EVER. Aw fuck. Answer? Don't answer? Crap." So instead, I hit the ignore button and decide to message him on facebook:

Me: Hey there, it didn't take you long to find me on facebook. I am on the computer, writing, so do you chat online? I can chat with Facebook or yahoo...I'm not a great phone talker - I'm actually really awkward and never know what to say...But if you don't do the computer, I'll txt you.

~Sarah

TJ: Wow that was quick. How did you know who it was?

Me: What do you mean? Because I just texted you.

TJ: I called from a landline.

Me: Yes, my phone was kind enough to tell me that. Thank you in advance for not telling my boss.

TJ: Hang on. Weird. I was looking you up at the same time your message came through. And no worries Im not saying a word. Theresa said something to me last week about you. I cant believe you found my number! text me when you can. And dont be awkward either.

Me: Yes, she told me. She was scared I'd be mad - she looked shocked when I said "oh I'm not mad, I think he's a jerk, but I'm probably wrong. You can give him my number." They're always trying to set me up, lol. I'll finish writing by 8:30ish, then I'll be free to chat (via texting, cuz I'm an asshole) the rest of the evening.

TJ: Wow potty mouth!! And I kinda had the feeling you thought I was a jerk. lol I was right. Are you? Hmmm??? And I am going to make you talk on the phone. So have a glass of wine a shot a forty ouncer or whatever it is you do. Maybe smoke a little? Because I am calling you! texting is gay.

Me: I don't drink, but I do smoke. And I'm telling you - I'm way awkward on the phone. I figured you liked me about as much as I liked you, so I always let the other tellers take you. I'm finding that pretty funny right now.
Additionally, texting is not gay, it is a valuable form of communication. No awkward pauses, no "how the fuck [pardon my french] do I get off the phone?" and all that. I'm better and way more charming (obviously, haha) in person. You have a better chance of getting me in bed than getting me on the phone. Ok, that may be a bit of an exaggeration. [also, that was not an invite]
~Sarah

What followed was an entire night of texting until I finally said: I have to go to bed, it's getting late.

Right before that, however, he did ask me out to dinner on Thursday, and of course, I'm going. He came into the branch today, with his kids "because they had to make deposits." Ok. We'll go with that.

When he found out I was home tonight, he called me. I didn't answer. He called me again. COME ON! YOU'RE KILLING ME. Fine.

We talked for two hours. Just about stuff: food, traveling, our divorces, kids, etc. TWO FUCKING HOURS PEOPLE. My ear was on fire. I wanted to keep talking, but I had reached my limit. I finally said "hey, I gotta write. Can I text you later?"

TJ: Sure, but you know what this means, right?
Me: I'm gonna get myself fired by dating a customer?
TJ: Now you have to sleep with me.

[As if I wasn't going to anyways.]

Me: That's not exactly what I wrote, I said "you have a better chance..." not "I'd rather..."
TJ: Well my chances are lookin' pretty good, then, right?
Me: Ima go to bed now.
TJ: Ok.
Me: Ok.

So. Let's jump on this roller coaster again, Sarah. Yeah, that's a great idea.

*tee hee* and *shrugs* We'll see.

More Awesomeness of Sarah

2011-11-07T14:57:00.000-11:00

Other titles I considered:

Oops, I Did it Again
My Foot Tastes Good and
I Wish I'd Stop Humiliating Myself, But Then I'd Have Nothing to Write About

Oh, man, I am smooth. SMOOTH, I tell you.

Here's the back story: there's this customer who comes in once or twice a week. He and I got off to a really bad start way back in May when he was kind of a jackass to me. So much so that my boss actually made him apologize to me. He did, claiming a bad day and all, blah, blah, blah. Customers take out their anger on us all the time. *shrugs* *whatevs* But I do avoid him and never wait on him unless there is a line and I absolutely have to. I'm the boss, I have that prerogative.

...he's divorced, he has 2 kids, he owns his own business, again with the blah, blah, blah. A few times, one or another of my tellers have mentioned that (we're gonna call him TJ for The Jerk) "hey, TJ is cute, and he's single.." but I've always blown it off. They are ALWAYS trying to fix me up. I figure this guy likes me about as much as I like him, which isn't a whole lot. It's my experience that when a customer doesn't like me, I have a really hard time changing his or her mind. So, I have stopped trying. Unless they have, like, a shit ton of money or something. [Duh]

Front story:
Last week, one of my tellers rush up to me as I returned from lunch and says, pleadingly "Ok, Sarah, don't be mad at me" *groan* "but TJ came in today and I was sort of telling him that you were single, and gorgeous, and well...are you mad?"

*Laughing* "No, I'm not mad. I kinda thinks he's a jerk, but I could be wrong. You can give him my number." But then - nothing. He's come and gone a bunch of times, and I hadn't heard if he was given my number or interested or anything. Of course, I hadn't asked or anything, either. *shrugs* *whatevs* Right? But then, of course, I've started thinking about him and decided "hey next time I see TJ, I'm gonna talk to him."

Today, he came in and I didn't duck under the counter like I usually do. He came up to my window with his 8 yr old son (who apparently didn't have school) and this cute little child starts talking to me. Apparently, he got all the charm. Anyways, after a couple of minutes, TJ says to me "hey, I didn't think you were married...." And I look down, to where he was looking, at my ring finger and think "whoops."

"Oh. I'm not married. I wear this to keep - " I stop, mortified.

He continued, for me " - to keep guys from hitting on you?" *raises his eyebrows* *yes, he did.*

OMG. "Well, when you say it out loud like that, it sounds really conceited..."

What I wanted to say was this: "Just the old, creepy guys. Or really pompous assholes that think they're all that. This is not meant for YOU." But clearly, I could not.

He thought this was all very amusing. I, on the other hand, was thrown off my stride a little bit. And worse, I was not recovering. I started acting awkward, and stupid. I started saying things like "well, is there anything else I can assist you with?"

So smooth. So charming.

But me? I don't go down without a fight, right? I can totally recover from this and be the charming Sarah I know and love, right? RIGHT?

So I look up his number and think "I'm going to text him. I'm going to come on to HIM and surprise him!" Good plan, no? Ha, I am a genius! Only, when I texted him, the number was not correct, and luckily my phone was nice enough to text back and say "the number you just tried to text is not in service." Ok. Well, I am practically a private detective [yep] so I can figure this out.

I get home, I google his business and I re-send the text to that number. Only this time? This time my phone replied with this: "Your message was successfully sent to a land line. Thank you for using the txt-to-land-line service."

What?

OMG. I immediately picture him [or worse, what if he has a receptionist or something?? What if his MOM answers his business calls as his secretary or something?! ACK!] pushing his listen button on his answering machine (does anyone even use these anymore?) and hearing a robot talk in disjointed syllables: "Hey. you. I. bet. you. can't. guess. who. this. is. lol."

ARGHHHHHH.

So not smooth. *shakes head sadly* So not freakin' smooth. What am I, new at this?? Oh for fuck's sake. Nevermind JT. Clearly, you're probably better off. Unless you like goofy-like-jackasses-but-at-least-kinda-cute people, like me.

I need to be locked up so people stop laughing at me.

I'm JUST SAYIN'.

As Humiliating as the Day is Llong

2011-11-06T08:52:00.000-11:00

Every few weeks or so, my old friend, (and probably my most fun and crazy *stray*) Mechanic Matt and I will make plans to meet up on Sunday and catch up, but things usually fall through. The first couple of years that we were friends, he lived near the branches I used to work at and we were able to hang all the time. He always keeps me entertained because 1. our sense of humor is exactly the same, 2. he's crazy and always in trouble and 3. he is, by far, the stray in my life with the most drama. And although we still keep up with each other's lives through texting and facebook, after he moved an hour away to Lapeer, it is really hard to get together.

Also, he is currently in love and well, we all know what happens when someone gets a boyfriend or girlfriend: other friends get pushed aside somewhat. You only have so many free hours in any given week, ya know? But the good thing about Matt is that, even after being apart for months because of all the above mentioned circumstances, we ALWAYS start right back off where we left off.

Friday he sent out a facebook status that said "hey, anyone wanna go shooting tomorrow?"

OHHH! Me! Me! Pick me! I wanna go!

In fact, I knew I SHOULD'VE gone simply for the fact that I've been spending most of my free time either playing with the yahoos, visiting family or watching tv. Momma needs to get out more, before I get bored. Bored, frustrated, and lonely (the worst emotions for an alcoholic). And I motherfucking love shooting guns. It's just fun. But of course, yesterday morning, I woke up and felt like I usually do on a day that I've made plans with Matt: I didn't really feel like getting up, putting effort into getting ready, dropping the boys off with a sitter and driving all the way out to BFE.

But this time, I told myself "this is ridiculous. Get your ass out of the house and do something fun. NOW." So I went.

We met at the restaurant we all used to hang out at (he had to drive down here to his parents to pick up his guns) and I followed him from there. After stops at Walmart for ammo and more shells, the gas station, and Matt's house, we finally made it to the gun range at about 4. He then proceeds to pull out all of the equipment and starts setting up. Included in this equipment was a small little brackett-like thingie that reminded me of the spatula that comes with easy bake ovens. "What is THIS thing, may I ask?"

"That is a skeet thrower. You put the shell in here, like this, and you throw." He demonstrated it quite well, explaining the importance of the *flick wrist* [fuck the fucking wrist flick - I WAS flicking - it wasn't working!] and I paid close attention, thinking two things: 1. Where the fuck is the automatic skeet launcher? and 2. I am soooo gonna make an ass out of myself trying to launch those damn things.

Because I've learned over the years that I may be, uhhh, somewhat spoiled, I kept mum on the whole "why don't you have one of those awesome skeet throwers?" And I have to say, I was dead on with thought number 2. The range was lined with men of all sorts - some wearing camo, some looking very serious, and to be honest, some looked a tad bit tipsy. There was one, ONE, other girl. And calling her that was a stretch, believe me. I was the only moron wearing my favorite jacket and, of course, high-heeled boots. To be fair, I only own boots with heels, and I did pick the ones I didn't care if I got muddy or not. I swear. My more appropriate sneakers were way too clean for me to wear them there anyways.

Matt was under the impression that I was an old pro, as he handed me the shotgun and said "here, I'll throw for you first." I replied with "dude, I don't remember how to shoot this thing. Ron and I shot rifles and handguns. INSIDE, mind you. And also, do I look as out of place as I feel?"

"Yes, but you're fine. At least no one will shoot you. They may ask you out, but NO ONE is going to shoot you."

"How reassuring. Just tell me what to do."

It didn't take me long to catch on, I just needed a refresher. The first two shots, however, were a PAINFUL reminder. I didn't have the gun tucked into my shoulder just right and the shotgun's kick-back bruised my upper arm badly. I'm actually proud of the huge ass bruises, despite the pain. And once I started holding it correctly, I was fine. *Fine* meaning I was hitting one, maybe two of each 5 round turn. When we switched, I was all like "thank God all I have to do is throw now, my arms are SORE." I should've kept with the shooting.

I could not throw a skeet for the life of me. The first couple of tries, the shell didn't even leave the fucking contraption. It looked very similar to a drunk golfer repeatedly whiffing - a swing and a miss, a swing and a miss. It was utterly humiliating. When I did manage to get the shell to actually launch, it went sideways into a group of camo-clad Michigan militia men. [I am dead serious, by the way. I actually got to see the Michigan militia.] They looked pissed, but then when they saw who was throwing, they immmediately looked amused. Matt was right - I was not going to get shot out here.

I tried, and I mean I really tried, until we had created an out and out spectacle of ourselves. 20 men and 1 girl, plus Matt and I, were nearly on the ground rolling with laughter, the scene was that hilarious. Finally, the one other female stepped forward and said "you know, I've never tried throwing those, it's always looked hard." OMG - THANK YOU LORD. "Will you try? Please? Otherwise Matt here is going to have NOTHING to shoot at. Please?"

She obliged. She wasn't ANY better. I was so relieved. Now mind, not one other MAN stepped forward to offer assistance. Oh no, the other men were perfectly content watching and laughing. Until one kid, who looked about 9, finally said "want me to try?"

Fuck yes.

This little fucker, who turned out to be a 15 year old shy, sweetheart of a kid, could not only throw like a pro, when Matt offered him a chance to shoot some of our shells in return, he BLASTED EVERY SINGLE ONE. It was so freakin' impressive. We ended up making friends with him, his step dad who had brought him and his 2 friends. We had a great time and I learned a lot from this kid. I finaly asked the kid "So when did you learn how to shoot? Because my 11 year old has been bugging me his whole life..."

"My step dad taught me last week."

The entire crowd stopped. [His story was confirmed by the step dad] "You've only been shooting A WEEK? That's very impressive, you're very talented." He blushed, it was adorable. We ended up shooting with them for the full 2 hours, until we ran out of light, ammo and shells.

I did redeem myself by managing to shoot every damn *still* we set up, no matter how far Matt tried to set them up. It was awesome having a crowd of seasoned hunters watch me knock out 5 targets in a row without pausing or missing. Even if I can't hit a moving skeet on a consistent basis, I think I once again came out looking like a *shooting star*.

The moral of this entire story is: Apparently if I ever get mugged, as long as the perp stands. perfectly. still. I will be fine and he will be fucked.

So there.

Just sayin.

Kids are weird, but amusing.

2011-11-03T12:34:00.000-11:00

Once every coupla weeks or so, I'll get to my sister's house, where my mom is nanny-ing, to pick up the kids at just the time Bex is rushing out the door to take Itchy to football practice. On these days, Reese's Pieces will grab onto this wonderful opportunity that is presented to him to escape the boring, dreaded football practice and say "Aunt Sawa, can I come to your house?"

My answer is almost always something like "Sure, if you wanna do some chores." Today it was "Sure, you gotta help me clean, though." He never buys this, as he knows I'm lying and will take him with me either which way. The shithead doesn't even acknowledge the conditions anymore. He just hops into the minivan with the yahoos that are mine by birth. [Because in reality, we share them all and I consider them all *my yahoos.*]

Today, my sister says this: "So, do you wanna go help Aunt Sarah clean or do you wanna go explore the sports complex with mom?" What? Immediately upon hearing the very tempting options, it dawns on me that I secretly love the days that he comes over, and, fearing she may have made football practice just enticing enough to pass up an evening with me, I declare "Hey, you haven't met Pandora, the new kitty, yet!"

"I wanna go see Panera."

Bwahahahaha: I win, and I laugh. "Ok Reesie, get in the car, we'll go see *Panera*."

This is the same kid [as told to me by Bex and G-ma] that wants a Darf Vader Allama Clock for Christmas.

OMG. Hours, and I mean, hours of entertainment.

Shortly thereafter, Reese claims: "I like Panera better, she's so small and cute!" To which I obviously said "Yeah, y'all start off that way. It's a trick ya know. For instance, you were adorable once."

So what does one do on a Thursday evening when: it's butt-ass cold out, it's dark before you even get home and there are a bunch of tv shows to catch up on?

[Btw - correct and sane answer is: wrap up on the sofa and cuddle while watching tv. Duh.]

APPARENTLY, wrapping up in winter coats and blankets while hauling a dvd player and snacks out to the freezing ["NO, MOM! We winterized it! It's warm inside there!" yeah, my ass it is] fort was their idea of a perfect evening. *as if* and *yuck*

Obviously I do a little happy dance and thank the tv Gods that I get some time with the remote control. I mean, WOO HOO, motherfuckers! I'm watching Survivor in peace!

Not so much. They lasted all of 30 minutes. But, I have to say, it was 29 minutes longer than I'd have lasted. Scratch that, 30 minutes longer. I wouldn't even have tried. It didn't even SOUND like a good idea. It sounded like a BOY idea.

So when they came to their senses, (realizing that sometimes, GIRL ideas are, indeed better ones) and came back in screaming "it's freezing out there!!!!" I dutifully handed over the remote and declared "When Reese goes home, it's MY turn."

Yep. Yahoos are entertaining, indeed.

Just sayin'.

Sonic What-the-fuck?

2011-11-02T14:08:00.000-11:00

Ok, so Bex tells me about this thing that was on the news today: *sonic highs*, that you can PURCHASE. Online.

Yes, I had to take a step back and ask "Wait. Are you fucking with me?"

But no, sure as shit, I googled it and it's a real thing: people are buying sound waves. To get fucked up. Wait. What?

You have got to be kidding me. I mean, seriously?!

1. Is this even real? The reports seemed shady.
2. Does anyone else even see the DANGER in this??
3. It feels like I'm living in the future. In the far future. Or in a conspiracy. Because if you're telling me that we can be PROGRAMMED with SOUND WAVES (and I mean beyond the fact that, yes, music affects our mood, way beyond that), that means I have to start believing that everything my Grandpa ever said could quite possibly be true. The government is going to start controlling me. Fuck. Look what they did with the economy. I am so screwed. I'm going underground.

Don't try to find me.

I won't be sitting in that dark room over there, silently, listening to NOTHING as ANYTHING may be out to get me, and my brain waves. Oh no, not me.

*sighs*

No seriously, I can see us all sitting around in 10 years, thinking "I remember when this first came out. I had no idea how bad it could go."

Because, come on... this is gonna fuck people up. Big time. Especially teenagers, or anyone with internet access and an addictive personality. It has disaster written all over it. Like *Crystal Meth*. Whole towns across middle America are going to be lifeless, shut down, locked indoors and connected to headphones.
*shudders*

I hope this isn't a real thing. Does anyone know anything about this?

Just askin'.

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T13:52:00.000-11:00

Tonight was first-ever Halloween without my yahoos. Way back before dh told me that ~~the whore~~ Stef was moving in with him, and I still remotely cared if he and I got along well [ok, I still care, but just for the kids. If it sounds like I be-grudge him his happiness, it's because I do], I had given him the choice of Thanksgiving or Halloween.

I was sure he would choose Thanksgiving for two reasons: First, he knows it is my second favorite holiday [right behind Christmas] and that my family has always gotten together [since forever] and he knows how important it's always been to me and secondly, his family has always done a big Thanksgiving, that holiday always being the more important one in his family.

I was wrong.

He chose Halloween weeks ago and I couldn't exactly start a fight about something I had freely given him the choice of. I mean, I wanted to, but I couldn't. That would have meant going back on my word. And even though I am dead honest about my feelings and views about him, so much so that it probably seems like that is something I would do, it isn't. I rarely, if ever, actually act out in anger towards him [re: I am full of empty threats.] He knows I would never cross that line, the one that involves the kids and their happiness (which means keeping the peace with him) and it kinda blows sometimes.

I am not trying to portray myself as the martyr. It's just that, thankfully, bitching about things to my family and writing about the sometimes-hatred/sometimes-dislike seems to be enough to get it out. It is turning out to be a source of pride for me, however, and if I don't say so myself, a big sign of my maturity. I restrict my immaturity and insanity to the pages of this blog. Mostly.

So now that I've tooted my own horn long enough, I will admit, it wasn't as bad as I was prepared for. I got out of work early, downed a red bull, drove straight to Bex to see the other kids and participate in Halloween, fully expecting myself to be fighting off tears. But, well, there was enough kids around that I barely noticed that mine weren't among them. I was able to just laugh and enjoy my nieces and nephews. It sounds awful, re-reading that just now, and I did miss them, but, well, not as much as I thought I would.

I was happy tonight. And I knew they were where they wanted to be: with their dad. They have never gotten to trick or treat with dh's side and they were really excited. They had been talking about for it a week. And, I passed out candy with Bump, G-ma and the pot stirrer. And then, when I left? I didn't even have to pack up kids and costumes and back packs. I did happen to gather up a good deal of candy that I swiped from the various little people running amok's stashes.

A bag of candy sitting by itself on that table over there? That's fair game. Hey, those are the rules, don't look at me, I didn't make 'em up, I just play by 'em. Fair. Game.

If you're asking me, they should keep a better eye on their candy. Which, I know, you're all thinking, "I hadn't." *shrugs*

Alright, I totally made up the rules.

But I have a bag of candy. Do you?

Just sayin'.

I am not a loner.

2011-10-29T10:45:00.000-11:00

I have two crazy cats to keep me company. So there.

Boring [to you, not me] cat update:
Today was the first day that I did not put the kitten, Pandora, in her room while I went to work. Saturdays are half days so I figured it was a good time to try this. Plus, it's been exactly the one week time span that I was told it would take Pixie to get used to the cat. I have noticed that Pixie has gotten a little better - as in: she lets Pandora get much closer to her before she hisses like the spoiled bitch that she is.

I half expected to come home to some sort of disaster, but they were fine. And by fine, I mean that Pandora went into her room ANYWAYS and hid. Now that I'm home, and letting them run free, I have realized a few things.

1. My house is still very, very tiny.
2. My plan failed miserably. (Which was this, btw: get another cat to keep Pixie busy because she is truly an attention whore. It's fine when the yahoos are home and there are three of us to take turns holding and playing with her, but then when it's just me, I literally have to lock Pixie up to do ANYTHING - including writing - if I want to do it in peace. Pandora was SUPPOSED to come here, get along fabulously with Pix and they were SUPPOSED to be buddies who stayed out of my hair.) However. NOW instead of having ONE cat running around acting like a crazy cat full of caffeine, I have TWO.
3. Cats are like children. One is fine, but 2 does not double the choas, it increases it exponentially, so it really seems like there are 4 crazy cats running around.
4. I love it. When I'm walking around, I have these 2 little idiots following me, tripping me, producing cuss words from me randomly, but also making me laugh.

Other than the boring cat update, I don't have much to write about. My sister and I have talked, a little. We have more, like, decided to just disagree about mostly everything and leave it be. I hope we can maintain this fragile balance. I'm not sure how things will play out in the future, but for now, it's nice to know I can at least text her or visit her when I need to. And vice versa.

This fight has probably changed things forever. But in some ways, it is probably for the best. One of the things that I discovered is that I CAN and will stand up to her if necessary. I've let things go on in an un-healthy way for too long. That part, even though it may cause more arguments, has changed for good. I'd rather just argue things out than continue to ignore everything anyways. It's how I am eith everyone else, I am not sure why I am different with my sister. But I always have been. With other people, I speak my mind and I feel I can do it tactful, healthy and productive ways. With Bex, well, she's always been my older sister, and I'm just different with her than with everyone else.

My stomach had been bothering me, big time. It's been difficult to smoke (I know, so sad and horrible, wah wah) and eat. I thought I was getting sick and certainly I'm not exercising enough [er, at all lately] [I mention that because in addition to my stomach, I've been more exhausted, physically, than normal] but today I decided it's my normal *delayed reaction to stress*. Every once in a while when my life becomes more or less all stress, I deal it with pretty well until a few weeks later when I have an extended stomach ache for weeks at a time. I went and got some Zantac, so I'm hoping I'll get that under control, too.

A customer asked one of my tellers if I was single yesterday and she said "Yes! She is, and she's asbolutely gorgeous, isn't she??" [Ok, I added that second part myself.] And it got me thinking: I haven't thought about dating for the last three weeks, since I broke up with JD. I think it means either 1. I've stopped caring or 2. I'm not ready. We'll see. Aren't cats enough? I'm thinking: yep.

I am supposed to go out tonight with my old boss, but my stomach has been bothering so much and I'm so tired that I just may stay home and ~~tell myself I am not a loser for sitting home on a Saturday night~~ take care of my kitties.

Just sayin'.

When All Else Fails

2011-10-27T12:35:00.000-11:00

Change your fucking hair color.

That's right. I'm a fucking brunette again. It's been about 2 years. To be exact, it's been since I mistakenly let Bex die my hair red that one fall. THAT was not only a mistake, but it took my stylist FOREVER to get it back to a normal blonde/brown again.

THIS time, I let my stylist do it. I'm a quick learner.

I needed a change. I don't recognize myself so it's definitely a change. I like it, however, in this picture, I actually look my age. *pouts* The highlights give me such a *25-forever* feel. But it's fall, for crying out loud. I should not look like I just came from the beach when clearly I did not.

My charming young yahoos had this to say:

Mo: No offense, Mom, but I like the blonde better.
Rie: I'm totally with Emmo on this one.

Fuckers.

Just sayin'.

Grin and Bear It.

2011-10-26T13:05:00.000-11:00

So I had a long day. But not necessarily a bad one. Certainly not as bad as the Bump's (sorry again, Dad) but, you know, just a long day.

Every time I turn around, there's something else that's painful to either 1. face, 2. deal with or 3. out of my control completely. I really don't feel like I have a good grasp on much of anything except: things are the way they are, and I have a lot to hang onto when life feels like this. The other thing I know is that things always change. Whether I want them to or not, things always change.

There are so few things that are constants in life (I know the old saying goes "The only things that are certain are death and taxes) and it really is true. Even the things that I look to for stability will one day be different. My kids will grow up, they will move away from their parents and our lives will again be different. So, when I'm feeling like things aren't the way I want them to be, I comfort myself by saying "they won't always be like this."

The only thing I can say for sure is that I will remain optimistic and fighting for serenity, forever. Even if I have my moments, which I certainly do, my personality is one that gravitates towards *goodness* and will always be searching for the things that bring me joy. I will always be trying to hang on to the aspects that bring me happiness.

During what I call *blah* days like today, there's nothing specific that I can point to and say "IF ONLY THIS OR THAT!" It's more like a steady, yucky kinda boredom and sadness: get up, get ready, get the kids ready, go to work, come home, take care of cats, take care of yahoos, watch some tv, write, and go to bed. Tomorrow: more of the same.

But, hey, maybe tomorrow something funny will happen and give me something witty to write about. It's been awhile, I'm due.

(See how I did that? heheh, optimism.)

Just sayin'.

Friendship is...

2011-10-25T13:18:00.000-11:00

being able to count on someone, someone you've never met, but don't even have to, you know he's there anyways. Simply because, once he appeared, he always has been there.

It's Tuesday - 45 cent wing day, lunch with my BFAW day. I kept checking my phone (something I only do when I have a boyfriend) when I finally just said "I'm waiting for an email, an important one." And he said "oh really? eh?" wink wink "Not like that, bfaw, I emailed a very important person in my life and I'm waiting for his response because for one, he will have wise things to say, for two, he's usually spot on, and for three, I know, whatever he has to say, I will feel better."

"Who is this guy?"

"He is the walking man."

"The what?"

"He is my pen pal. His name is Mark. I've never met him."

"Hunh?"

""You don't know him, or of him, because I won't let you read my blog. But one day, years ago, the walking man started reading me and I started reading him and he's just sort of always been there. You'd like him, too, he's a poet."

"Really?"

"Yep, I have his books. I'll lend them to you. You'll be amazed. You know how you and I met and we just sorta clicked in a way that we knew we'd be friends forever? How you and I have slowly gotten closer, meeting each other's family, telling each other everything and all that shit?"

"Yep."

"Well I have several people in my life like that. Probably more than most, because once I have decided you're one my strays, I've actually really decided that you're mine. For good. For better or for worse, just like a marriage. Anyways, whether he's picking on me about one of my not-so-many faults, or laughing at one of my disasters, or writing me through email when it's a particularly heartfelt topic, he's just always been here ever since I met him."

"That's cool. Poetry?"

"Yep. I wrote him a long ass email last night, knowing, and I mean KNOWING that he will reply and it will help. Like a second, invisible but there, dad. And you know, since this involves my sister and all, I don't want to put my parents in the middle, so I wrote him this time instead. I usually call my mom or dad crying." [Which I did, but it was clear that I was just making things harder for them, we are both their daughters and they cannot be put in the middle. I don't want them there anyways.]

It's true that I have a lot of *strays*. In some ways, they have always been and just may always be, the loves of my life. From Uncle Rick, Mechanic Matt, or Bill, and even my Girlz, once you're my friend, YOU'RE MY FRIEND. I love connecting with people, it is probably the one trait that I love most about myself and wish I could teach to everyone. I love REAL relationships. I've never been the kinda girl to want to go shopping and have meaningless gossip, I want to spend time with interesting and/or fun people that I can learn from.

I wrote the walking man [if you read my comments, or shit, even half my blogs, you know who he is] last night because I needed to get shit out of my head and onto the computer IN SOME WAY. And I knew he'd help. I knew he'd give it to me straight, no sugar coating and no pussy-footing, just this is this, that is that. I knew he would say "this is where you're right, this is where you need to shut the fuck up, and here are my thoughts."

And I knew I was right, because I have a lot of faith in the people that I have faith in. Haha. What I mean is: I usually trust the right people. Or, I pick the right people to trust. Everyone else is just, eh, they're whatever.

I do feel better, too. And I'm about to write him back. But, and I think he'll be ok with this, even though I didn't ask for permission, first I will share bits and pieces of WHY I chose to write him last night:

Words from the walking man:

"... I don't think this is what the kind of shit you wrote me about to send back to you, a rehash of what you wrote me Sarah. I think you want some comfort and a little advice." [You got it.]

"So now I assume you two are not talking at all or only minimally and that being a quick, short, meaningless conversation about nothing. That my darling is the first wall that needs to be scaled, getting the lines of honest open conversation back open. No more bullshit of denial but then you don't have to be confrontational either.... But an open line of communication is one way (and you know this) to show that come hell or high water you love her, ... , but you love her none the less because you have always loved her and it takes great heaps of evil and pain to change that. Have you been hurt so much you no longer love her? I doubt it because you wrote me.... So step one is reopen a door of communication. Eh? Sound right?" [You got it.]

The walking knows me so well, he even knows he can write this to me, it doesn't have anything to do with my sister and our fight, but it's insightful and nice all the same:

"... from what I have read is your underlying problem right now is you don't feel special to a man, a lover. (I know it doesn't mean much but even having never seen you, you are special to me)." [It means a lot.]

His writings on faith and God is what has always drawn me to him, from the beginning:

"But I am not a Gnostic or Agnostic or one who does not believe in any spiritual being. Quite the contrary my belief in the creator spirit is vast and immense, I know that there is one who set all in motion and loves all men, it's just that, that being is not what we have all of our lives been taught. There is no human looking dude sitting around with choruses of angels singing about how wonderful the dude is. He walks among us, is within us, and has given us very potent abilities to use right now in this world and in this place."

Thank you, Mark, once again. Words cannot express my gratitude for you and our relationship, but despite that, I'll be writing.

Just sayin'.

Happiness is...

2011-10-23T13:01:00.000-11:00

hard to find on a consistent basis these days.

I'm surprisingly ok, though. Despite the fact that I feel like this fight with my sister may take a long time to heal. I am going to take it one day at a time. When I have had big things happen to me in the past, like a break up with a boy I thought I've loved or something, I've always been so grateful that I've built this big support system up around me.

I've always had Bex, my parents, my friends, and my work peeps there to keep me both busy and supported. I haven't had a disagreement this big with Bex for YEARS, but I am once again grateful that I DO have so much to help me get through it.

One of the most important things in my life is doing exactly that: nurturing and creating relationships with other people. I love that I click with so many people and have the ability to make close friends so easily. My BFAW says it's because I'm both warm and *accessible.* I think it's because I'm funny and hot, but we can agree to disagree.

I think that one of the biggest signs that showed me JD wasn't the one for me is that I had started to shrink my life. He was a home body and liked to have just one or two people close to him in his life. When I needed time to my myself, the reason he couldn't deal with it very well was because he didn't have anything to do during that time. He didn't have a number of other options to keep him entertained - I was his only form of friendship and entertainment in his life. THAT was never going to work. It feels like isolation - and anyone in the program knows what a dirty word *isolation* is.

It feels like I am going to walk through life with a hole in my heart until this rift with my sister heals. But she is so angry with me and I guess, she probably needs someone to be angry with, so I'm not sure when it is going to get healed.

Thank you to Lu for listening and understanding. I know it's not easy for her either, and I imagine Bex is just as mad at her now as she is me. Thank you to Tink for texting me everyday and honestly trying not to take sides. Bex and I have always been there for them, and now they are returning the favor. It's not an easy place to be for either of them, I'm sure.

One day at a time.

Just sayin'.

Insert funny pussy joke here: I got a new cat.

2011-10-22T13:41:00.001-11:00

First of all, my sister and I have still not spoken. It sucks. I wrote her a very long email and I'm actually scared of how she will reply. Not because I feel that I was mean, or angry, or anything like that. But I expressed my point of view, and I was honest about how I felt about everything. I also tried to be kind, but honestly, I am still nervous to hear from her. It sucks that I can't write any more about it.
I am praying that everything gets worked out. Right now, I feel it's all I can do, and the ball is in her court.

Yesterday, after telling my BFAW that Bex and I were fighting and lately I feel that I am overly involved in her life, in her moods, and basically HER as if she were my husband or something, he said to me "it kinda sounds like you've given her some of your power. You should meet my mom. She's great with things like this." Then, he took me over to his parent's house for dinner. They cooked me steak, it was good.

After dinner, my BFAW's mom and I sat in their den looking at pictures and videos while talking. It was really nice. When we left, she hugged me and lent me a book that she thought would help. I had the same kind of feeling when I met Shamom (Lu's mom, our *shaman mom*). It's a feeling like I have found a person in my life that I can learn from. Like I've discovered another mentor. It was cool.

I've started the book. It is better than the steak, maybe I'll learn something.

In the mean time, today was a big day. Today was *Operation Bring Home Rescue Cat - The Sequal*. We've had it scheduled for weeks and the yahoos and I have been so excited. A customer found a kitty in her barn, abandoned at just 2 weeks old. I told her I would give it a home when she was ready. The customer has a farm and has been literally nursing her ever since, making her big and healthy for us.

The whole thing had to be scheduled in advance as I had to take her directly to the vet for de-worming and her first shots before bringing her home with Pixie Grace here. One of my mom's best friends rescues cats regularly and works with a foundation that finds abandoned cats homes and she was kind enough to make the vet appointment for me and come with us. So, the customer's schedule, Kris', the yahoos, AND the vet's all had to match up.

I had to drive an hour out to BFE, then pick up Kris, and then head to the vet's. It was a well thought out plan and would have gone great. If the yahoos hadn't lost the damn cat before we even left the customer's farm.

That's right. They LOST her. Within seconds. The customer-who-I'll-fake-name-Mary handed the kitten to the boys so she could show me the schedule and the food, and within seconds, the boys were yelling "she jumped out of our arms and went running! We don't know where she went!"

Thus ensued a 45 minute search through Mary's whole gaddamn-not-small house. We searched every nook and cranny until we finally decided to go outside and pet the horses, hoping she'd become comfortable enough to stop hiding.

It worked, but not before we had to change plans, nearly missing the vet appointment. Kris was kind enough to meet us there. The kitty, who is black and white, is in great health, even big for her age. Mary did a wonderful job with her.

The boys wanted to name her Oreo and I wanted Pandy, for Panda, so we compromised on Pandora. Pandora Oreo, actually, because they are just that stubborn. And now, without further ado, I present the newest member of our now-girls-out-number-the-fucking-boys- FAMILY:

Pandora Oreo

"Psst..hey you...psst! Lemme outta here, will ya?...I, uh, I got me some catnip I'll slip ya, just, you know, hit that lever, the one RIGHT. THERE..psst...Aw! Come on!"

"You're going down, Bitch."

"Ima raise this motherfuckin' roof! Yo. Bitches, this is MY house now."

Welcome to Hell, cat. *tee hee*

Sigh

2011-10-20T13:41:00.000-11:00

Fighting with your sister is not fun. Not fun at all.

I got in a big blow-up argument with Bex tonight. I am not going to write about it yet because I doubt I can be fair or diplomatic.

We are both angry.

We are probably both sad, too.

I was sorry that I ruined Girlz Night by saying something, yet it could have been worse. Right now, there are just things between two sisters that need to be worked out. It is what it is.

Btw, I have power. Nothing like facing a night without electricity to make you realize how much you depend on it.

Just sayin'.

What? Seriously?!

2011-10-19T14:52:00.000-11:00

Well, I don't have power.

Fuck you, you three inches of rain in one night.

And you fucking DTE Energy recordings with your *estimated times of repair.*

[Although Riley said "yeah, so my mom called the energy company and yelled at them to get it fixed but it didn't work and they said it won't be on until morning." I was really yelling at the damn recording, but he was right, that certainly didn't work.]

And fuck you, you one house on the whole block with a generator. Yeah, we can see your dumb light. And yes, we're jealous.

Anywho. I'm fine, though. I'm at Bex, doing a mid-week sleepover and the yahoos are overjoyed like it's a freaking snow day.

It's amusing, really. If it's not one thing, it's another. And although it's annoying to pack up by flashlights [I have boys, dude, and apparently, they were PREPARED and READY, because they knew exactly where the flashlights and candles were. I love them yahoos] and be in a different house than your own, at least I HAVE a close home I can go to.

Sometime, all you can do is sit back, *sigh* and go "Really? Really?!" Whatevs.

Just sayin'.

The Return of Press One For Stupid

2011-10-18T12:10:00.001-11:00

If I could record a message for our phone answering system, it would go something like this:

"Hello, thank you for calling The Bank. Please listen to the options carefully before choosing because they have ALL changed. If you are an idiot and you know it, please press 1. You will be directly connected to someone just as dumb as you. For all bat-shit crazy people, please press 2. Our nearest psych ward is on stand by and ready to take your call. If you just want to call and rant about how stupid, crazy, and wrong WE are, please press 3 and leave a message. We are committed to returning your call with a pre-printed and un-heartfelt apology letter. But we will sign it with ink using an actual pen. For all those who are firmly convinced they are both sane, and can communicate on a relatively intelligent level, please press 4. When we are goddamned good and ready, we will answer your fucking phone call. Thank you and have a wonderful day!"

And then, no matter what they press, the recording of that fax-machine-noise-answering-a-call noise will play over and over until they get annoyed and hang up.

Oddly enough, no one asked me to record the message. Whatevs.

Today was another great day for the tellers and sales. We had a couple different part-timers who aren't in on Mondays come in and made it feel like Day One of the competition [that would be yesterday, in case you are a *press one*]. Two tellers in particular are really on fire. It's nothing short of motherfucking awesome.

The customers, on the other hand, were outta control. Does anyone know if it is a full moon? By 3, I was ready to go back on lunch as Tuesdays are BDUBS (Buffalo Wild Wings) for the BFAWS and that was WAY more fun than soothing snotty assholes and their pumped up egos. It really is true that the more money you have, the bigger dick you are allowed to be and get away with it.

I have a hard time dealing with that. On the inside. On the outside, I'm all like "no worries, sir, we will get this taken care of." And damned if I didn't get a phone call from an old man who is PISSED with a capitol *I probably pee my pants* because every time we deposit his 4 cents of interest without telling him, it fucks up his balance. No, I'm not kidding. And yes, he was really extremely mad because he was adament that he be put in a non-interest bearing checking account *for this very reason* and the banker was an asshole because he just didn't listen. Now, every time he gets his statement, the balance DOESN'T MATCH.

I guess I need to add an option for *older than dirt and way more stubborn .* Because "well, most people just add the interest to the balance as soon as they recieve their statement..." was met with a "BUT THEN IT'S OUT OF SEQUENCE!" omg.

My customers are writing my book FOR me. I swear.

Just sayin'.

The Return of Greatness

2011-10-17T14:09:00.000-11:00

Almost.

But the optimism is returning, at least. I can feel myself coming back to happiness, slowly but surely. Last night was a little rough - I was *gasp* lonely. It's an odd feeling for me when it comes, because I usually surround myself with so many loved ones that by the time I get home, to my *haven*, my *comfort zone*, my place to actually BE alone, that I usually revel in it.

I turn on my tv or my computer, I smoke a bunch of cigarettes, and I just relax. But this weekend, I dreaded being alone. JD hasn't txted me today, but during the first 10 days of our break-up, he txted me 9 of them. All of them full of how he *has changed* and now he sees *how he acted*. I'm not THAT optimistic, so I've neglected to let him back in. But, to be perfectly honest, last night I was extremely tempted to.

I didn't, though, simply for the fact that I know I really miss having someones arms around me. And to get myself back into a relationship with someone that I know probably isn't the one for me just because I'm lonely is just... well, it's more trouble than it's worth. Instead, I txted my BFAW most of the evening until I fell asleep. I thanked him for being a dutiful stand in. A few jokes on the phone screen hardly compares to a night full of raucous sex, but it sufficed. I woke up very glad that I didn't cave.

Fighting those urges is exactly like fighting drinking. I just picture the outcome and repeat "it's not worth it, it's not worth it, it's not worth it..." until 1. the craving goes away or 2. I fall asleep or 3. I txt a friend or a sister instead. Either way, relief is relief, eh?

[TOTAL FUCKING NERD-ENTHUSIASM ALERT! AND: if you don't like reading me go on and on about my work, you can stop reading for the day. I am inserting this while editing because once I got started, I just kept going. And I wanted you to be warned. If you like banking, this is going to be the most thrilling post that you've ever read. If you're NORMAL, you may get bored. Quickly.]

Today was the first day of my sales competition, and HOLY SHIT, my tellers are making me SO FUCKING PROUD. We made more referrals today than we did all last week! And every time someone made a sale, an email came flying through "Hey, Boss, I got one! How are YOU doing??" OMG - it was my dream day as far as THAT was concerned. I left work beaming.

I also left NOT in the lead. But that's ok - it's a close race so far. More importantly, everyone (except one, but hey, I can't win 'em all) is full of enthusiasm and that was my goal. If they have the drive, the rest can be taught. Especially fulfilling was seeing my newest full time teller, who is young and excited to have a full time position, so proud to have made 2 referrals today. When she was a peak-timer, she literally just covered lunches - a time when it's nearly impossible to profile a customer to see if they are in the right accounts or could benefit from a better account or something and make a referral. Today, I put her next to me, and I did reports and stuff while I worked with her. And it worked. That was pretty cool.

Plus, they all really want to beat me. It helps knowing that their boss {Moi} is the ranked as the THIRD best teller in Michigan.

[no shit - I am ranked motherfucking number 3! people in the STATE! And that is a combination of our sales and customer service scores! That's out of hundreds, btw. Anyone remember when I was always ranked with the lowest customer service scores in my branch? Oh wait, that was when I was a banker and had to deny refunds and decline loans and shit. Apparently, customers actually like me. Ones I cash checks for anyways.]

[Ok, so I'm actually tied with one other person, and the numbers are soooo close, it's entirely possible that I won't make the top ten when the year closes, but HOLY SHIT, I didn't even know I was in the RUNNING!]

[It's kinda a big deal, too.]

[It also means that my boss has staffed her branch with the top licensed banker (investments and shit), ranked number 1, AND one of the top three tellers. Pure genius, even if I have issues with her sometimes. It also just now, JUST NOW, dawned on me why my bank has decided to make bankers be teller supervisors before advancing: who else better to teach the tellers than actual bankers? I guess it does make sense....I have gone from closing sales to teaching people how to start them.]

[Shit, do I now have to admit that the reason I am not running the company is because there are actually people smarter than me already doing so? Fuck. oh well. whatever.]

They have two full weeks to kick my ass, or I get the time off. They are DETERMINED not to let that happen and I motherfucking LOVE it!

The best part of this is that both of the full time bankers commented to me that they were *shocked* and *proud* at the tellers today. They are participating in the group emails and cheering the tellers on. They are announcing, through emails, things like "so-and-so just sent me a customer who is now earning twice the interest rate on her money by putting it in a CD instead of just sitting in her checking account! Great job so-and-so and thanks for the referral!" They are making that effort to type WHY it worked, not just "hey thanks, so-and-so". It's going to help teach and coach them.

Every other branch that I have worked at had a very cohesive mentality, but this branch can tend to have an *us* vs. *them* mentality with both sides feeling like the other *doesn't understand how much work they have* but part of that is due to the sheer volume of work here.

At other, slower, branches, it is easier to work as a team because the staff is smaller and the amount of work is lighter. There is more time to get to know each other personally and more *chit-chatting*. With exhaustion comes testiness, so I get it. It's easy to see the correlation there.

But then there are weeks like this that pull it all together. It makes me feel proud that this time, I did this. I mean, I am accomplishing things. Things that are important to me, to my career. I'll keep you all posted on whether or not the enthusiasm lasts. Optimism says it will, right?

Motherfucking right.

Just sayin'.

With Friends Like These

2011-10-15T15:27:00.000-11:00

1. The Tiger's aren't doing very well right now. I hope they pull it off tonight, but it's looking bleak. It's a shame, too. I was downtown today, thinking how all of Detroit is buzzing right now with good spirits. It's amazing how sports can bring a city together. I mean, think about it, especially if you live in the Detroit Metro Area, (I live in Tiny Town, a village connected to the edge of the suburbs of the D, bordering on the lake [it's as awesome as it sounds]) all you hear anyone

[Alliteration is awesome, twm, BUT how 'bout the use of them parenthesis and brackets, eh? Sa-weet.]

2. Oh? I was down town today? is that what you read? Aww yeah, Greektown rocks. Still. After work, I plopped my ass down on my sofa, flipped on the tv and intended to get some quality mope/isolation time in. Alas, my friends do not allow for The Mope, it seems. *sigh* was my first thought when I got Lu's "whatcha up to?" text, but it quickly turned to *hellz to the yeah.* when I got her "how bout the casino today?"

I mean, she knew that the Girlz had escorted me off to the casino once before, during a particularly painful break up/disaster/i don't even remember and it had really cheered me up. We went. We had fun. We fucking talked - non-stop - about really dumb stuff like work and kids. I lost a total of $15 and ten of it was my gas contribution [AND I ate the best prime rib sandwich ever]. Lu came out ahead, but she always does. Bitch should just gamble for a living. Seriously, that girl has mad luck.

Before today, Tink and Bex have checked in on me each day, a couple of times, and both have told me they were there for me, just a call text away. Always. There.

How great is that?

I don't actually FEEL as that gracious and awesome as the statement immediately above SHOULD make one feel when one knows something that great, but it's because the enthusiasm, for life and all, is just slowly beginning to return. There still seems to be a heaviness in my heart, so I can't feel as *happy* and *joyful* as I normally do when I sit back and appreciate my friends and family, but *whatevs* [see, it's there...the *shrug* is coming back, I promise].

It's been a while since I have felt this *coddled* by everyone, but it actually feels ok. As a mom, and a woman striving to be oh-so-independent, I do feel a tinge of guilt receiving the care and love they are showing me, but I am letting the guilt go. I am telling myself, as Lu told me today: It's ok to be weak once in a while. I, myself, have been there for them, each in their own ways, many times, too. Although I don't actually like this feeling of *slight emotional instability*, I am telling myself that it's ok to get like this sometimes.

Anywho, a huge heartfelt and humble hug [twm: heheh] to my Girlz. Shanks.

Just sayin'.

Thank you, Peeps

2011-10-14T14:03:00.000-11:00

I'm a little better, but it'll probably take some time to feel normal or at least, less frustrated.

I received a shit ton of support from my friends, family and readers [thank you. really.], and I think TWM nailed it on the head when he wrote in his email to me that [with MIXED metaphors, no less] [I mean seriously, *gasp* we're writers for fuck's sake] [I forgive you, though]: I have reached a blowing point.

Everything has been building and building and I just lost it. One of the things, and I talked to the Girlz about this tonight, was I actually got ANGRIER yesterday because I couldn't drink. Last night it hit me like a ton of bricks that I could not just get drunk, just for a night, just to get hammered, just because, like any other normal person could. Not that everyone would, but you know what I mean, they could.

Not that I am full of self-pity because of that, mind you. No. I am full of self-pity because of all of the other things. But, I would really have liked to go out and blow off some steam with a drink or 10 last night. I was even ANGRIER that I have 3 years of consecutive sobriety and even if I wanted to try and sneak a drunk, by myself, I WOULD STILL KNOW THAT I WOULD HAVE TO RESET THE CLOCK.

And dammitall if that doesn't mean something to me. Because it DOES, and I just. can't. start. over.

But I do have to figure something out to help me *reset*. Maybe I should plan a weekend trip somewhere. I don't know... something. There really should be a *refresh* button for life because the *pollyanna* button only works for so long.

If I go accordingly to my normal pattern, my posts will get more and more upbeat as the days go by.

Just sayin'.

I don't care about a fucking title.

2011-10-13T13:12:00.000-11:00

I wrote an hour ago.

Nothing has changed. I'm not crying at the moment but I feel worse: I feel empty. The absolute worst: I feel disconnected from everything.

Bex txted "txt me if you need anything." But? There is nothing. Just an empty pit, a knot of nothing sitting in my stomach, feeling very permanent.

I can usually see some light, something, some part of what could be, is going to feel better. But not tonight.

I don't remember the last time I felt this sad, but I do believe it was about a year ago, when dh broke up with me on the day of my Grandpa's funeral. How is it that ONE PERSON, and ONLY that ONE PERSON can and does hurt me like this when NOTHING else can?

Nothing else in my life causes me to feel like things are unbearable - I have been dealing with my disasters and my LIFE without getting to THIS point.

But so you know:

Dear God,

If this was a test, I just wanted you to know: I passed, ok? I motherfucking passed. I AM STILL FUCKING SOBER.

Now, please, stop. I've had enough. The break up, the boss, the kid, the happy ex-husband. It's enough.

~Me

Fuck this. I quit.

2011-10-13T12:06:00.000-11:00

I was wrong. Today was NOT better. Today was worse.

I'm done. I hate everything. I'm done trying to be fucking optimistic about everything.

For every one good thing that happens, I have to put up with 5 things that suck ass and I'm just motherfucking tired, people. I just want everything to stop.

Even when I go in with good ideas, a great attitude and cheerful outlooks, my boss STILL manages to tear me down. On a daily basis. I thrived at my job until I started at this branch. I would take it all back if I could. But now I'm stuck there. Indefinitely.

Riley can't motherfucking behave to save his fucking life. Today, he was on RED. He's been on orange twice this week. TODAY?! Today he broke a pencil, in front of the teacher, for NO reason. He is grounded from everything. Forever.

Every fucking day I rush around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to keep up with life and I barely manage. I'm FUCKING TIRED, OK GOD? I'm TIRED. The career, the single mom thing, the horrid dating life. JESUS F'ING CHRIST. ISN'T STAYING SOBER ENOUGH OF A STRUGGLE FOR ANY ONE PERSON?!

Tonight, I went to Emerson's conferences and it was the one really bright spot of my day. For the first time, EVER, the kid has all A's and B's in his special ed courses (except Science, but I guess ALL of the kids are struggling and they have now switched back to the old curriculum). I was so thrilled, and shocked, really, that I left in tears. Tears. Because I was THAT relieved. I am so used to hearing about how much he struggles, I was unprepared for good news.

Only to call dh to find out where he was because he hadn't showed up like he said he was going to and he told me that ~~his girlfriend~~ THE MOTHERFUCKING WHORE is moving in with them.

WHAT?

I tried to prepare myself for this, I KNEW this was coming. But it didn't help. It hurts way more than I thought it would. I'm not ready. I'll never be ready. I hate him so much yet I'll NEVER get over him. EVER. I've been trying to for years. It's never going to happen. And now I have to officially accept that MY boys are going to live with her, too? FUCK THAT.

I'm incapable. I'm capable of admitting that I may not be, or EVER will be, able to think about this clearly, but I DON'T CARE. These are MY kids and he was supposed to be MY husband for forever. I mean, I let him break my heart NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE! And I'm still incapable of getting over him?!

I can't even fall in love properly. Every time I do and the words *live together* or *marriage* comes up and I'm done. I instantly fall out of love. I am NEVER GOING TO BE DIFFERENT, am I?

Everything's just always going to be hard. Period. It doesn't matter how fucking high I keep my chin, I'm just going to punched in the face again. What's the fucking point, people?! I'm just gonna crash another car, or break something expensive, or forget to take my trash out [again], or put out some other fire. Because it's ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH ME. ALWAYS.

Oh my fucking God, I can't believe how much I hate everything right now. The tears are never going to stop. I give up.

I quit.

Sorry for the hate post, everyone. It is what it is, though.

Because Pollyanna Had It Goin' On!

2011-10-12T14:47:00.000-11:00

I hate that in some ways I'm turning into my mother. I also hate that in many ways, I'm also turning into my father. Simply because one grows up thinking soooo many of those *things they do* are annoying, that its poignantly painful to learn that there are many good reasons you're parents are the way they are. *puke* Tonight's example?

My mother's endless Pollyanna-like optimism. So fucking annoying, yet, kinda a good way to think about things.

I am 99% certain that tomorrow will be better. Because it HAS to be. I was awoken to an extremely lengthy, and incidentally, also poignantly painful string of texts from JD this morning. They kinda broke my heart, because I know I'm hurting us both so much. But even through the heartache, I still feel so certain that this is the right thing and he is probably not the one for me, that I don't have any doubts or feelings about changing my mind.

But it made my day start out sad. The rest of the day consisted of work. So you can imagine how much BETTER my day got. *sarcasm kicks ass* *your ass, not mine*

Never to be one left out in the cold without a plan, I totally know how I am going to make tomorrow better. At work, anyways. For the heart, well, that just takes time. [For me, I'm estimating my normal 2 week mourning period followed by extreme boredom followed by me getting back to my old life where I go out and see my friends a crap ton.]

My plan for tomorrow is to shake things up a bit. I'm starting a new contest for sales referrals. Keeping the referrals from the tellers up to goal is an important part of my job as Teller Supervisor and possibly the last part of this new position that I have yet to nail down. But now that I've mastered many of the operational day to day duties, I feel I can concentrate on figuring out how we can take this branch from *barely makes goal, if at all* to *kicks hardcore ass*.

This branch HAS the numbers - we CAN do this. Ironically, it's the numbers, [i.e. customers] that also makes *selling* pretty tough. When lines-to-the-door are the norm, prompt customer service easily becomes the priority over *offering products and services*. But we are, indeed, a business. Not a non-profit, we actually want to make money. So while great customer service is the first priority for my company, making sales is a close second. [And yes, my company actually only wants to *sell* what's best for the customer, I couldn't work for one of those: *Here, you NEED a credit card now so you can be in DEBT for the rest of your life* cut throat banks. Honestly. I thrive on auto loans, re-fi's and college kid's first checking accounts. I can say, my bank's cool like that.]

What my team needs, really, is some coaching. Someone to show them [now that I, myself, have finally gotten used to the pace] that we can make referrals and suggestions, and be quick, too. I feel like I'm the edge of something that could be *my* thing - I love showing a teller how one slight change in what she does or says can open up a whole new conversation with a customer by being the example myself. My skills with interacting with customers in a sales environment are ones I can actually teach. I enjoy it, and, if I'm lucky, if I'm successful, I'll get better at it, too.

They also need a little incentive. I mean, other than your monthly sales report saying "oh good, you did it." They need a prize. And a reason. My idea is this: anyone who can beat ME at sales in the next 5 days earns a chance to win a 1/2 of a day off [pending HR clearance, of course]. That's the biggest time-off prize I've ever even asked for, so it'd be a great award.

On Friday, we will see who has decided to pick up their game a bit and sparred with the boss. My manager likes it and knowing my tellers, I really think they're going to enjoy this. If they're smart, they'll realize I have a lot less actual customer-facing time than they do, and they'll be enticed to really get motivated.

There's no way I'll get HR clearance to do this more than once a quarter, but I've thought of other prizes, too. Like EACH person who does beat me gets to pick out something that I will have to actually MAKE [COOK] for lunch for the whole branch. You'd better believe I'll be selling my ass off THAT week so the chance of me having to actually cook can be kept to a minimum. OhMyGod can you imagine if all 7 beat me that week? I should re-think that one. No. I'm better than that. I can take 'em.

Anyways, I could go on and on when I start about work. And I get really excited when I think of new ideas. I think if I stay creative and consistent, simultaneously, I can really bring some motivation to the team. It's inspiring to feel like you can coach, and share, and make it fun.

Despite the crappy, moody, emotional, and stressful day, THAT'S my Pollyanna moment. Thanks, Mom. I'm now you. Oh joy. No really, jokes aside, thanks for this one, Mom.

Just sayin'.

Another One Bites the Dust.

2011-10-10T13:00:00.000-11:00

Yep. My night.

To read the story behind the pic, click on it. It will take you to my other blog, where I wrote about my night.

I broke up with JD.

I am now sulking. Kind of.

I may or may not ever find THAT man, the one, a match for me. Either way, I'll be ok. Because I am ok.

Please, scroll to earlier's post and check out all of the pics from yesterday's trip to the apple orchards. It's a way cheerier, much more optimistic, and therefore HAPPIER post.

Just sayin.

Cider Mill 2011

2011-10-10T10:34:00.000-11:00

Truth be told, I usually end up dreading Cider Mill Day every year. I get that it's supposed to be this fun, yearly tradition in which everyone gets to do the whole *Octoboer Experience* thing and all. But really, it's always at the butt crack of dawn, herding 412 people around in an organized fashion is annoying, it's usually muddy, went and cold. And don't even get me started on the bees.

I suck it up and do it all anyways. Memories for the kids and all. Plus, as part of the Girlz Club, it's a required event, and getting out of a required event is harder than getting playoff tickets for any sport here in Detroit.

This year, we were blessed to go on an Indian Summer day and we had a smaller group than normal since my Aunt (and her brood) and G-Ma didn't attend. We actually ended up having a blast. Until the end - a couple hours into it - when each of us moms starting losing it one by one. We went down like dominoes. That's what over-stimulation, hunger, thirst, 9 whiny children and hot sun does. But it was time to go anyways. All in all: a huge success.

That's right. We're sisters and we're hot. And the little one? She's in training.

Even with a hot mom, I can still be cranky. In fact, I'm Reese, I can be cranky no matter what. Even on a hayride. Paige: "What's his fucking problem, anyways?"

"Ahhhh, this is the life! Surrounded by all my favorite hot boys." Tink: lock that girl up. NOW.

*Ok, I'm smiling, take the damn picture. Can we go now?* [I feel ya, sista.]

"Why yes, I am the cutest damn thing you've ever motherfucking seen." And trust me, she knows it.

"NO, I'M the cutest damn thing you've ever seen." And SHE wouldn't use the word motherfucking, either. Not my Megs.

"Fuck you all. Rie and I have you all beat." Motherfuckers.

Oh My God! It's Reese, and he's ALMOST smiling!!! I'm so glad I have proof.

How do you entertain a bunch of asshole kids? Put them in front of a skeleton taking a shit in an outhouse. They were fascinated. Absolutely fascinated.

"Get the hell out of my way. I'm on a mission."

The pyramid haystack is always a hit. The kids all look forward to it every year. It is kinda cool, I have to admit.

Moments like these are what I live for. Seriously. THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT.

*sigh* Our Reese.

I absolutely couldn't bring myself to crop out the grandpa helping the little boy up the pyramid with his Mountain Dew shoved in his back pocket. I mean, why would I? It makes the damn picture.

JOY.

In the form of 9 kids and a bunch of hay.

Enough said.

The Caged Bird Doesn't Really Sing

2011-10-08T13:24:00.000-11:00

I am probably going to end up eating my words about JD. From before. About him being the one. [re: pretty fairly sure.] Last night I wrote over on The Girlz Club because I wasn't quite ready to swallow my pride enough to admit on this one that I could be so wrong about someone.

But I'm here tonight, telling you all about it. As it turns out, JD was NOT taking the whole *hey let's take our time* discussion well, at all, and he was just hiding his feelings until last night. *sigh* *and sad face*

What was supposed to be a great family night turned into an all argument, in which things came flying out of his mouth about me that I probably can't live with. My sister stopped by - something she rarely does, btw - to talk about a big issue that she and the Pot Stirrer are having. I think it goes without saying that I will ALWAYS be there for my friends and family, especially my sister, no matter what. And all she really asked for was a little time with me. It turned out to be about 30 minutes. I interrupted our Uno game for all of 30 minutes and you'd have thought that I stood the guy up.

JD wants to be with me ALL the time. He wants to stay the night every night. He's been 100% sure about me being the one from pretty much day one. But I have come to the conclusion that he basically wants/needs to replace his old wife with a new one. Yes, he is a great, fun, kind, and generous person. But even with that, I need to be my own person sometimes. I don't want to go from just falling in love with him to being his new wife in 2 months. That just doesn't work for ANYONE. And I have become too independent to be able to blend with someone that quickly [let alone at all] [I'm beginning to worry that I am too independent, that I'll neve be able to blend with someone else...] and quite frankly, I feel like he wants to cage me and keep me for himself.

He likes my family and likes that I see them a lot, as long as he gets to come along. [What?] He says I have great friends, but *shouldn't there be boundaries*? Yes. With EVERYONE, including you, JD. You don't earn the right to have those strong of opinions about what I do with my time THIS quickly. I tried telling him that over a week ago. I thought he was adjusting. I thought, because he said so, that he understood.

But apparently he doesn't. And when he gave me an attitude for making time for Bex, and an argument started, he had a whole grocery list of things that were bothering him like: I don't reply to his texts quickly enough while I'm working. And when I text "I can't txt now, work is busy" apparently that is me being *bitchy*. Yes, he said I am bitchy because I can't talk or text while I'm working. I explained to him that it's awfully hard to tell my tellers not to text or make personal phone calls while on the teller line if I, myself, am doing so. I refuse. I text him at lunch, but I'm starting to feel like I have to.

I guess it also bothers him that I don't volunteer to babysit his daughter on Saturdays so he can work. Well. 1. I don't really want to. I'm not ready to be any one's step-mom yet. [He knows this.] 2. He only has her every other weekend, maybe he shouldn't be working on her weekends anyways. and 3. He doesn't actually ask, he only hints at it. But last night, he made it clear that I *am being selfish by not supporting him and outright offering.* It makes him feel *hurt*. THAT is the exact reason I was hesitant to let him pick up the yahoos ONE day from Bex's - I was scared it would start an expectation of "hey, let's co-parent our kids already." I'm not there yet.

DUDE. We arent' THERE yet. And unless I have a change of heart in the next few days, we won't ever be there. Because I'm fairly certain that THESE controlling things are his TRUE nature and he hides it behind his kindness and generosity.

I was already married to that once. I was already married to the guy that everyone thinks is great but is actually very controlling and demanding behind the scenes. I don't want that or need that again.

Perhaps I have become too independent for a relationship, I don't know. But I do know that I am better off on my own than with someone who can't let me breathe. I am not a caged bird. You can't put me on a shelf and show my off to all your friends because you think I'm pretty and you want to keep me for yourself.

I am social, I am outgoing, I like to be around people. I like to connect with others [yes, even GUY friends. And YES I can have guy friends that I don't fuck. I've always been that way.] I can compromise [like not texting other people after 7 pm or during family time] but I can't be locked away.

I know he's hurt tonight, but quite frankly, I need the space. I need a few days to think about things. This isn't what I want or signed up for, and I'd rather know now if this is the way it's going to be. Better now, when I can break our hearts after just a couple of months rather than a year or so down the line.

Another thing I've learned is this: the older I get, the more people I meet, the better I am getting at seeing the red flags early and knowing sooner rather than later if I can be compatible with someone. I mean, that's something, right?

Today I did what has become my new habit when I'm thinking about things or depressed about something:

I moved.

And I really motherfucking moved. I went to Itchy's football game. I went to the grocery store. My car is clean. I have a full tank of gas. My smokes and Red Bull for the week are already bought and ready. My laundry has a huge dent in it and kitchen sink is clean. The pop bottles are rinsed and bagged. My bills are paid and my bank account has been balanced. Even my CASH has been allocated and separated for the week. And I have freshly washed, sweet smelling, clean sheets on my bed.

And then I wrote.

Maybe there is something to this control thing, I gotta admit, it did make me feel better this evening. *sigh*

Just sayin'.

Because I Usually Know Before I Know

2011-10-05T14:15:00.000-11:00

Last night, I spent an hour and a half being bothered about something other than the Tigers' disrupting my sex life. Only I didn't know what I was upset about. At first. I just laid there, in bed, having one of those unsettled nights, where something is itching at the edge of my consciousness, irritating me and making me feel bothered, but for no apparent reason.

It's my 6th sense, and I've had it a long, long time. It didn't take the entire hour and a half of me lying awake in bed to figure it out, though. I knew rather quickly: I wasn't going to get this job. It was almost a relief to at least kinda know what was up instead of just wondering. I knew in my heart that I was feeling unsettled because of the job and that my old manager was going to call me today and say "she said no."

And sure as shit, wouldn't you know it? That's exactly what happened. Only I was completely prepared.

To be honest, it's a good news/bad news situation, so I will concentrate on the benefits. My Regional Manager told my old boss that I CAN interview for it and she will hear me out [major victory there, btw, even though I'm 99% sure her mind is made up, I will still go in and give it my best shot, for practice and all... and to prove to her that I really do want it]. Specifically, she told my old boss that if I just sit tight and wait a few things out, she has a different plan for me. [Another major victory - knowing that my boss has things in mind for me is great.] She didn't say what her ideas where, but I do have a few of my own. I can imagine a couple of different scenarios playing it out, it's just a matter of which one.

So I can do that. I will probably appreciate the extra time where I'm at even more now. I feel like I've just gotten the job I am doing really down pat. Like I'm just hitting my stride there anyways, and given a few more months, I can totally pick up my game. There's nothing like a little motivation to keep you on track. Things always have a way of working themselves out. (To my favor.)

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I will definitely keep you all posted.

Just sayin.

A Little of This, A Little of That

2011-10-03T14:01:00.000-11:00

I have been looking forward to this day for 2 weeks. You know when you feel so shitty and then you start to feel better that you end up feeling so relieved that you're on the mend, you feel better than you actually are. I knew that feeling would come, and boy, when the Doc said 48 hours, he pretty much nailed it.

The z-pack and the steroids have officially kicked in. And while I don't feel 100%, compared to last week, this is bliss. Right now the worst part is just that exhausted feeling of being out of shape. That's the feeling that comes after you've been parked on the couch in between work, doing nothing but praying to feel normal again. I'm tired - *like Holy Shit that was the worst infection in a long ass time and my body is tired* - tired. There are obviously a lot of feelings involved in being sick.

Other stuff is going on, too. Such as: I've lost my mind and I'm getting another cat. Not really on purpose, but I'm excited all the same. About 4 weeks ago, one of my clients found an abandoned kitty that she's been nursing ever since. Over the last few weeks ~~and after very little thought or consideration,~~ ~~and losing my mind~~ I told her that if it was a girl that I would take her. Pixie Grace is such an attention whore that I think a sister will be very good for her. She honestly thought it was a boy and she had someone else lined up if it was, but today she came in and announced that it was, indeed, a girl. The vet said so. She will be ready to come to a home in a week or two.

THAT should be interesting. I've never had 2 cats before. But this is the first time I actually think it would be a good thing.

JD and I doing great. We had a little bit of a rough week because I've had to have a couple of *whoa, slow down cowboy* and *I do need some alone time* talks. Those aren't fun.

But because I want this to work, I figured these were necessary conversations. It was awkward for a few days, feeling each other out, but everything has gotten back on track. I think, for the most part, his biggest fear was that he equates *needing time and space* with *having doubts*. And that's not it at all. I just would like to date for awhile before we 1. live together or 2. ever really think about ~~tying myself to a ball and chain, losing myself completely for another person's existence, being bossed around about everything financially related again~~ marriage.

[I obviously need some work. I know this.]

He has felt so sure about everything from the beginning, but even so, you have to nurture the roots or the tree will collapse, right? It's all about a solid foundation, I figure. I could go on and about that, but why bother?

Of course, I'm divorced and have been single for a couple years now, so what do I know? Whatevs.

And finally, I can talk a little bit about what's going on at work. But I have to be vague still. Let's see if you can keep up. So. It's big. Real big. There's this guy, in corporate, who decided he wanted to move up. He currently has a really cool position that my old boss, a Branch Manager, now wants. So this guy went on his interview and he got the better job. (Woo hoo) And he's naming my old boss, the Branch Manager, as his successor. SHE will be interviewing with the higher ups THIS WEEK.

And the kick-ass-if-we-can-get-it-to-work part [and its a huge motherfucking IF] is this: she is naming ME as HER successor!

It's all been hush-hush as of yet, but now that things are actually in motion, I have been given the go ahead to build my plan. [And you'd better believe I have a plan - a great one. Seriously. I have everything covered. A real, solid game plan that will work.] There are a of couple major roadblocks that we (my old boss and I) have to overcome to get me a shot:

I'm still not technically eligible [Hey Darl, what's with you HR guys always making rules and shit anyways?!] to apply. I'd need an exception.
We aren't entirely sure that we can convince my Regional to give me a shot. [But I swear, all I need is a shot - consideration, a conversation with her - if I can get her to consider it, I KNOW I can convince her.] It is entirely possible that she will say "Sarah isn't ready yet" as she has in the past. [And she's always been right, btw.] [No shit.]
My current boss would need to be behind this 100%. [umm, ehhhh, I think so?]

I understand one thing better this time: I do trust the mentors that I have been blessed enough to be given. Both my old branch manager and my regional manager have been always been right-on about both my abilities and my limitations, even when I didn't believe them. When I have always been in the front row, raising my hand, screaming *pick me! pick me!* they have told me to be patient when they think I've needed more time.

In the promotions that I have gotten, they have both said to me "it will be overwhelming to you and it will take time for you to catch on, but you are a quick learner and you will adapt." And to be honest, for the 2 major ones (when the actual type of job changed, not just a higher level of a job), both times I have felt (as opposed to voiced) that I WAS readier than they thought. That I wouldn't be overwhelmed as overwhelmed as they thought. That I was determined enough to adapt quicker than they thought.

I was wrong both times. They knew exactly what they were talking about, I get that now. I'm not sure why that should have taken any time, but I guess my determination has taken a while to learn it's limits. And while, I have learned, and have adapted, I have also been overwhelmed, many, many days. I am lucky, extremely lucky, to have great managers. Because while anyone who works for a huge company can inevitably start to feel like they work for The Man who Never Understands Anything In Real Life, I at least have people I can learn from, directly guiding me.

And when I really think about it, I now have three very different people, all women incidentally, who I look up to: one who pushes me, one who pulls in the reigns, and one who is teaching me that you can pick and choose the qualities in managers that you feel are successful and just do your best to emulate those.

[I should remind myself of that more often actually.]

Please pray. I CAN do this. I know I can. It will be, by far, the biggest challenge of my career, but I am nothing if not determined. And as always, I'll keep you as posted as I can!

I

just

need

a

shot.

Just sayin'.

My Peeps, 'cause its not what you know....

2011-10-01T14:53:00.000-11:00

So, it occurred to me that I blog about all the people in my life so I made a list to assist those who don't always know who I'm talking about....
The Ace of Spades - Mo, short for Emmo, short for Emerson, my 9 year old, really well behaved son. His life is a miracle. His heart has an endless capacity for empathy.

The Rie-Man - Riley, my 6 year old trouble maker. His joy for life and his dimples keep him alive. Also the kid with the best one liners, even if most of them are completely inappropriate.

Bumpa - My Dad, who taught me all the rules. I am the apple and he is the tree.

G-ma - My Mom, who has watched me break all the rules. The older I get, the more I understand her. Which is pretty damn awesome.

Bex - The hardest worker I know, my sister, the supermom/RN/Law-school-student/wife/Betty-fuckin-crocker. My very closest and dearest friend, and obviously one of *my girls*. She knows me THE BEST of anyone in my life, hands down.

Lulu - aka *Aunt Lu*, one of my oldest (not age-wise, LOL)friends ever. Her kindness and loyalty never ceases to amaze me. Of *the girls*, she has her head on the straightest. (That doesn't say much, though. The rest of us are crazy.)

Topher - My brother whose real name is S, the letter. Yes, I'm serious. I never take it for granted that I was blessed with a great family, including my trouble maker brother.

Tink - Leslie (Tinkerbell) a newcomer to my crazy life, and one of *MY GIRLS*. But she laughs if you ask her a question she doesn't want to answer. And she doesn't stop. Ever.

dh - ex-husband. relationship is well...not that bad for an ex-husband actually.

Dumbass - Matt, funniest dumbass I know.

The Pot Stirrer - Bek's husband, Jeff. Almost wittier than me. Almost. Definitely smarter than me. (Yup, that pisses me off royally.)

the walking man - great bloggin' pal with the best wisdom and a truly great writer! Words cannot express how dear he is to me.

GOF - Grumpy Old Fag: Rick, my favorite homo ever

BF - Great Friend, Bill Foster. So perverted, I think he's even more of a sicko than the Bump. And that's pretty bad, LOL.

Thank God For Alarms

2011-10-01T12:37:00.000-11:00

8:00 a.m. Alarm goes off. I move to the sofa and dial the doctor. Apparently the office opens at 9:00 on Saturdays. I reset the alarm.

9:00 a.m. Alarm goes off. I call the doctor back and snag the 11:30 appointment. "Boys, I'm going to fall asleep again, but Dad's coming at 10." I reset the alarm.

10:00 a.m. Alarm goes off. Boys go to dh's. I reset alarm.

11:00 a.m. Alarm goes off. I get my ass to the doctors.

Thank God for alarm clocks. The outcome? A z-pack and steroids. I don't even care that the last time I had to take steroids for bronchitis was something like 6 years ago and I packed on like 5 pounds in a week. Right now, I totally have the 5-10 pounds to spare. Just let me get better. At this point, I'd rather be fat and better than skinny and sick.

And that, my friends, should tell you how shitty I feel. As my sister pointed out, I "could use some thickening anyways." Amen to that.

Just sayin'.

Sometimes Being the Boss Sucks Ass

2011-09-30T12:37:00.000-11:00

Like when you're still sick after 2 weeks and it's only getting worse, not better, but you can't call in to go to the doctor's because you are too short staffed and you can't put your branch in a bad position when you're sitting around waiting [and waiting] for something really cool to happen so you have to stay being a dedicated employee and go in anyways.

Yes, that was one sentence. Not a grammatically correct one or anything, but who fucking cares?

Man. This cold - and apparently it's one that many people are getting - really sticks around. I'm afraid it has, despite my efforts of prevention with my previous doctor visit has traveled into my lungs. That's what I get for braggin' about my awesome lung capacity despite being a smoker. I guess God went "oh yeah jackass? Watch this."

Karma can bite my ass, btw.

I even tried calling in one of my part-timers, whom we have just hired on full time to fill the empty position, but she was scheduled at her other job today. Apparently she actually cares about that job because she was unwilling to call in for me. [I wouldn't actually ask her to do that for me, btw.] There WAS a 4:30 appointment available but I couldn't find any coverage so I stayed, coughing, contaminating and suffering, all fucking day.

Home has never felt so damn good.

I'm hoping I can get in tomorrow, but I have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn [ok, 8 o'clock, but it's a non-work Saturday for crying out loud] to see if they have any *sick appointments.*

Wish me luck. Just sickin' sayin'.

The Adventures of the Rie-Man #349

2011-09-28T15:04:00.001-11:00

*sigh* here goes

Dear God,

Please don't let me turn out like Nancy Botwin. You know, from Weeds...

Because sometimes I wonder: do you just hand out kids to whoever you feel like it? I mean, don't you have some kind of screening process? If you do, clearly I slipped through the cracks. [I said cracks.]

Other than that, you're doing great. Gas prices are down like half a buck. Woo hoo! Keep up the good work.

Yours Truly,
Sarah

Clearly I can only be successful at one or two things at a time. Right now I've obviously picked work and ~~sex~~ love. I mean, clearly. Not that my parents did much better. I mean, my mom tried, she really did. But there's the Bump: proof that nature rules over nurture is my paternal bloodline. It MUST have started with my grandmother, Rose, from what I hear, she knew how to par-tay. Yes, trouble making is in the goddamn DNA (Gallagher reference and that one's for you, Bump).

Rosie created the Bump who created *ME* who created the Rie-Man. Ima sterilize that jackass and end the cycle of tormented teachers forever. FOREVER!

But, oh wait, if I did that, then I wouldn't get the revenge that my dad currently enjoys. *starts thinking* I must let him procreate for my own amusement. Ovvie. [If you're new, that's short for obviously. Obviously.]

Following is a string of e-mails from this afternoon [brackets are, as usual, my inserted thoughts] but are pretty representative of communications that happen daily. We are [already] on a behavior contract with this child. Another record. These have always worked in the past. This year, well, it's early.
Basically, it works like this: we now get daily emails from his teacher and if he's good, he gets praised and rewarded and if he's bad, he gets punished.

I know, brilliant, right?!

To: Riley's Mom
CC: Riley's Dad

Riley had a much better day today. He did manage to stay on green, although it is amazing how he manages to make noise no matter what we are doing. Between the stomping, clamping, clicking, tapping, humming or whistling, I can't keep him quiet in the hallways yet.

We are hoping for a great day tomorrow!

Thanks,
Mrs. Door [almost her name]

To: Riley's Mom

Just so you know, I did talk to Riley last night. I've explained that he will be grounded on the days when he's in the orange or red. Which, btw, his teach said he would've been on red yesterday, simply because of music class [wait. what the fuck did he do in music class? nevermind. not even gonna ask.] but she kept him on orange to be nice. And he's actually trying to tell me that it's not a big deal. Where's he get this stuff??

Best Regards, [yes, captain douche signs his emails *Best Regards*]
Riley's Dad

To: Mrs. Door
CC: Riley's Dad

Thanks for the update. We are continuing to work with Riley and really appreciate the daily emails. Please let us know if you need anything else from us or have any further suggestions.

Best Regards, [i couldn't resist]
Riley's Mom

To: DB Riley's Dad

I'll make sure he knows we're glad he was better today. What a relief.

Btw, I'm pretty sure he gets this from you. The constantly needing to make noise thing anyways.

~ Riley's Mom

To: Riley's Mom

I know. Why can't the kid sit in misery silently like the rest of the kids?

Best Regards,
Riley's Dad

To: Riley's Dad

i dunno. revenge?

~ Riley's Mom

We are hoping for a great day tomorrow!

Just sayin'.

Ha. wink

2011-09-27T13:13:00.000-11:00

Dear God,

Thank you so much! That was very kind.

You're the best.

Love Always,
Sarah

Did you like I how so ~~egocentrically~~ easily managed to make Monday Night Football and, the outcome of a game that half the country was watching, all about me. *Ha.* and *Yup.*

*sigh* Anyways, it was fun.

Oh and btw: in true artist fashion, I am really feeling the whole *contented happiness yields little artistic inspiration* thing. This whole calmness thing doesn't leave me with a whole lot of *crazy Sarah* stories.
I know, gross, *ew, just the thought* - sanity! Say it ain't so.

Just sayin'.

Go Dallas

2011-09-26T13:49:00.000-11:00

Does anyone out there know how badly I want the Dallas Cowboys to win tonight?

Let me just say this:
Aunt Bex [re: the sister who always beats me at football] [bitch] picked Washington. Need I say more?

I didn't think so.

Please, God, I sooo badly want to suck less at fantasy football. Please?

Just sayin'.

History Festival: Emerson's Glory

2011-09-24T16:42:00.000-11:00

The yahoos came home at 9 a.m. after spending the evening with dh. They woke me up with excited chatter about some *History Festival* that was taking place in town. Emerson, I know, is obsessed with all things guns, weapons, or war history-ish.

Don't wake me up on a weekend morning unless you're dying.
A fucking *history festival*? I've never even heard of such a thing.
I am going back to sleep for another hour and that's that.

However, upon waking up a little while later, when I'd had enough sleep to wake up sane, I realized that:

I actually love history.
You can add the word *festival* or *fair* to damn near anything and Bex and I would be game.

And wouldn't you know it? Bex txted me just after noon to see what we were doing and the second she read the word *festival,* she was packing the boys in her truck to head over. [Slightly abridged version of what actually took place, but that's seriously the gist of it.]

My town rocks hardcore. We have a beach. A kick-ass park. The best summer festival ever. An art fair. And now? A really-kinda-fun history festival.

"Hey, Emerson, what are these called again?" "Bayonets, Mom." "How do you know the name of every weapon anyways?" "How do you NOT?!" "Of course. My bad."

"Yeah. We're Rebels. That's right. From history. See how we're holding our guns? Historically."

"Kidding! Goooo Union!"

[Note: that canon was not actually going off or anything. It is entirely impossible for them to take a picture and not act like goofballs.]

No, that is NOT a bike rack. That is a jail. A miniature jail, obviously. For non-miniature idiots.

"Yo. We got this."

What? Where's Reese in the *Rebel Yell Contest* picture you ask? He'd be the party pooper over there on the wall.

Other than that, we had several hours of fun wandering around the various booths. And watching Emerson [who, incidentally, may be getting a nickname-change from *The Ace of Spades* to *The Gunsmith of America*] soak in all the old war and weapon stuff was absolutely priceless. I have never seen him so entirely in his glory.

As Aunt Lu says "Irony: the kindest, most gentlest kid on the planet has a passion for things that kill people."

And you know what? He'd be an excellent gunsmith. He's patient, careful, creative, and LOVES to build things with detail. He makes these really precise models of all guns he's seen pictures of. Out of paper. They're crazy good, too. Yeah, I kinda wish he'd chosen something less scary to be obsessed with, like planes or something, but it is what it is. So I love it.

I'm so glad he dragged me to the history festival today.

Just sayin'.

Happy Birthday JD!

2011-09-23T14:04:00.000-11:00

Aw man, it must suck to be so much older than me, babe.

I'm not saying you actually look old or act old or anything, but I am pointing out that you are, indeed, older than me. By, like, a lot. *wink*

Shit, has my life changed this month....I don't even know where to start or what to say. Things between JD and I are just so goddamn cool that I don't want to exploit it. [too much.] ['cuz you know I'm going to a little.]

I figure I'll just start a new tradition, the same one I have with my yahoos. So, JD, here's my letter to you:

Dear Llama,

I already wrote my feelings in the kick-ass [re: free] card I gave you [that I stole from my branch]. These are the things I hope for you this year. This year:

I hope that you and I continue to grow closer on this journey we have started together. I hope we stay tolerant and loving towards each other because it's so easy not to. We've both been down some tough roads and becaue of that, we bring to each other a lot patience. It's pretty cool.
I want you to know that I support you in whatever career path you choose. You have a lot of options, and I know going back to school is a dream you want to do this year. I'm here to tell you that you CAN, you WILL, and I will help in any way that I can.
I hope you continue to enjoy your children the way you do now. It's awesome. You're a wonderful dad. I hope I learn a lot from you. [re: patience. Definitely more patience.]
I want you to laugh your ass off. [Even if it's at me, pretending to be a fucking helicopter.] [Don't ask. And shut up Lu and Topher.] [Jackasses, all of them.]
All in all, I hope you know how much I appreciate you. Whatever you need this year, I'm here.

Have a wonderful birthday, Llama, I love you.

Love,
The Other Llama
[Not Hollie, btw.]

Everyone say "awwwww."

Life Lessons That Can Be Painful

2011-09-22T11:48:00.000-11:00

Have you ever stumbled upon something that you wish you never saw? That made you want to re-wind the tape about 45 seconds and then re-play it, but differently? Something that makes your stomach turn because you know what you have to do but it just plain sucks?

That happened to me today. And next week, more than likely, I will find out what it feels like to terminate an employee. [And for the record - NO one from my work has this blog site. NO ONE. No one even knows I'm a writer. I still feel kinda icky writing about it, though.]

*sigh* This sucks.

[Incidentally, note to all: follow the fucking rules. It ain't that hard, people.]

But not one single person at my work is worth me losing MY job over [especially not NOW, when there's a chance at something cool happening...] and if I even THOUGHT about covering it up, that person would still get fired and then, so would I.

I did the right thing. And decisions are now out of my hands. I will just be a spectator to the rest. But this is one life/work lesson that really is painful. I guess in my heart I knew that one day I may be in this situation, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

I did the right thing.

Yeah. I have to keep saying that to myself. Right feels kinda nasty right now, though, I gotta admit.

Anyways, there will probably be no update on this, as writing the little bit I have written has already made me want to puke. But that's what's goin' on with me tonight.

I hope things with you all are a bit better.

Just sayin'.

The Shoe Is On the Other Foot Now.

2011-09-20T13:07:00.000-11:00

JD is at his daughter's open house tonight at her school. Despite the fact that she specifically asked me to go, I have chosen not to. I think she is kind of hurt, but trying to understand. I told JD that it was too soon and that I hoped things work out so that I can go next year.

When JD first told me about it (she is singing at it, btw, with her music class), I was all like "Hellz yeah, I wanna go", but after about 2.5 seconds of thinking about it, I carefully explained to him that [and this is just me being honest here, not necessarily proud of these feelings, but they're there all the same]: I would not be thrilled with *the whore* (dh's current and pretty steady girlfriend since February) (and isn't really a whore, but it's my blog, I'll call her what I want) (but yes, I've stopped saying that word to dh's face. For some reason, it kept pissing him off) if she went to the boys' school without asking me first.

More than not being thrilled, I would honestly feel this: "WTF? Does she think she's their mom?!" Now, I wouldn't start an argument or anything (and thankfully, both Stef and dh have been pretty great with boundaries) and I wouldn't actually ACT on these feelings of resentment. But I know they would be there. So for me to attend Sam's school function, after only a month, feels awfully presumptuous. JD's ex HAS changed her mind about switching weekends and I don't want to rock the boat.

I think it is important for me to respect boundaries. It's been two extremely educational years learning about co-parenting and trying to do it successfully and I am not 100% sure that JD has fully been able to comprehend these things. [And I'm not trying to criticize or be mean - these things take time. Seriously.] He has been divorced for half the time I have and I am his first serious relationship.

And while I understand his excitement and his enthusiasm for how great things are going between us, I also see a lot of dh in him. When dh and I first started this whole co-parenting thing, he did a lot of things that hurt my feelings. He really assumed that his time with his kids was HIS time and that was that. It's taken him awhile to understand that even when the boys are with him, I still consider myself to be parenting them and vice-versa. It's possible that women think differently [heh] or it's possible that I am just more considerate, but I always make decisions and parent with a *what would dh think/want/feel?* attitude.

[Don't get me wrong, I have made my share of inappropriate comments, and I have found more than a small amount of joy at pissing dh off once in a while, but hey, no one's perfect. Not even me. Shocker, I know.]

But I have to admit, he has been doing a great job of returning this favor, too. And when we are both behaving like this, things just go much, much smoother. For everyone. I guess it just takes practice. The last thing I want to do right now is create any threatening feelings for JD's ex. [That is, in the area of her daughter - I will gladly flaunt that I have what she seemed to take for granted, which is JD, but I would never perpetuate this where Sam is concerned.] They truly have the potential to co-parent in the same way as dh and I - I think they are just experiencing the same growing pains as we did when we first got divorced.

Communication, consideration and timing are everything. If I could [and I guess I AM] give advice to anyone who is going through a divorce, or is recently divorced, with children, I would start with these things:

1. Don't rush into any decisions.
2. Be fucking considerate. Ask yourself "how would I feel?" "Would I want this?" "Is this the right thing to do?!"
3. Realize you will get what you give. Period.
4. Always remember the kids are the only thing that matters - you're own personal pain or desires or resentments are pretty much meaningless after a divorce. It is what it is, now make the best of it for the ones who are NOT meaningless - the yahoos.

Anyways, I'll get off my soapbox now.

On a totally unrelated note: some things are happening at work that I can't write about yet. [I know, I know! I do this to you all the time!] But, PLEASE, everyone send me good thoughts, I need things to line up just. right. to make this happen. It's another long shot, but that's never stopped me before, right?? Wish me luck, Ima need it, big time.

Just sayin'.

Things You Shouldn't Say to a Smoker

2011-09-19T14:13:00.000-11:00

The horribleness of waking up on Monday morning is directly proportionate to the awesomeness of my weekend.   Needless to say, they have been bad lately. Today, though, sucked more than average when I woke up with a ~~head that felt like a fucking horse slept on it~~ sinus infection, the immediate dread of it turning into something worse or sneaking into my chest overtook me. I did not hesitate to call in. If I have learned ONE thing through my various back injuries is that 1. prevention is best but 2. early treatment is almost as good.

I re-set my alarm for 8 so I could go to the doctor. Who has time to play the wait it out game anymore? I have finally learned that suffering as little as possible is actually better. So I went to the doctors this afternoon because I knew I would probably need the dreaded ~~shit-til-your-ass-hurts-pills~~ antibiotics. I dread doing this, as a smoker, I always dread the whole "are you still smoking?" question. Because what I hear with that simple question is this guilt-induced rant-in-my-head:

"BECAUSE, you know that if you weren't a smoker, you wouldn't be so susceptible to getting sick. And YOU KNOW that if you weren't a smoker that you wouldn't be so paranoid about it getting to your lungs. YOU KNOW this, yet, are you still smoking?"

Yes, I am. *sigh* To be honest: about 3/4 a pack a day. I've been worse, I've been better. Which means, I'm currently at an average.

So today the doctor asked if I needed an inhaler. [Sometimes.] But wait, let's do a breathing test to see where you're at and see if an inhaler would help you. [I do like to have an inhaler for times when I get sick. I used to use one when I was drinking because I was smoking way, way more. I haven't actually had a prescription for one in about 2 years.]

I take the breathing test, do the inhaler, wait a few minutes, take the test again and wait for the doctor.

Again, with the dread: "Well, your lungs suck. Can I write you a prescription for Chantix?" But instead:

"Sarah, you are a smoker, right?" [Yes.] "Because you have remarkably good lungs for a smoker. Before the inhaler, even being sick, you were at 95% and after the inhaler you're at 99% lung function. I'll write you an inhaler prescription for times like this when you are battling a sinus infection, it is helpful for you."

And you know I hate myself for this, right? But inside, I was totally all like:

Motherfucking phew.

And yee-haw, by the way.

Oh, she NEVER should have said that to me. Dude, I totally hate myself less now for smoking, though.   Kinda sad, but true.

Just sayin'.

Because sometimes this is how I feel.

2011-09-16T16:12:00.000-11:00

Thank you, K. For giving me this. THIS made my night.

I soooo feel this sometimes.

Just motherfuckin' sayin'.
Ha.

Oh No I Didn't

2011-09-15T10:26:00.001-11:00

Note to self: when in corporate headquarters, always have your game face on. ALWAYS.

Today, I had an all day coaching class (which was actually very useful) in Troy. When I arrived at work, I went into the building and was standing by the elevators, waiting for one to arrive while digging in my purse for my name tag when some guy comes and stands next to me and says this:

"Going up?"
Without even bothering to look up from my name-tag-finding-mission, I reply, while chuckling: "Charming. We're on the ground floor."
"Ah yes, we are."

At that moment the doors open up and we both go in and simultaneously reach for the button for the top floor. This is when we both paused and he looked at me kinda funny and asked "Do you work for the bank?" "Yes, and so do you apparently...hi, I'm Sarah." I obviously also said my last name and what branch I worked at and stuff. And he goes:

"Nice to meet you, I'm Rick ----." OMG. What?! Oh no, I din't...

I was in the elevator with the motherfucking Vice-President of our bank (and not just one of those *honorary VPs* as an officer of the bank, the ACTUAL VP, in charge of all of Michigan for my bank. He is a HUGE big-wig. Like HUGE. He hangs out with a certain professional sports team, ALL THE TIME, because we are a sponsor. He's been on TV, too.

And I just told him, sarcastically, that he was charming.

OMG.

"Allow me to start over. Hello, I'm Sarah, and it's an honor to meet you!"
"Can I offer you a cup of coffee? You looked like you needed one down there."
[looking at the time, thanking the God in heaven I had arrived 15 minutes early, and also thanking the same God that I am the Queen of Recovery.]
"Just getting my game face on, and I would love a cup of coffee. I have about 10 minutes before training starts. Plus, only an idiot would say no to you."
*Laughing heartily* "Haha, that's what I like to hear! And you're funny."
"Well, I'm also no idiot, show me the way."

Oh yes, I did.

I love schmoozing. I don't know why, but it just makes me feel so damn cool. Rick made me a cup of coffee as he introduced me to his ~~secretary~~ Administrative Assistant and after a few minutes of AWESOME chit chat [the words, "If you ever need anything..." ACTUALLY came out of his mouth!!!!!], I slid into my seat in training, next to one of my favorite co-workers and whispered "Rick ---- just made me this cup of coffee!"
"Get the fuck out."
"I'm not kidding you!"

I left out the part about almost insulting him, because, obviously.

I went through the first 3 hours of the day with a perma-grin.

Just sayin'.

My Decomposition [yep]

2011-09-14T14:36:00.002-11:00

You Know How You ALWAYS Think Tomorrow

is going to be better? And then the days, when tomorrow ISN'T really better ALWAYS sucks more donkey dick?

Today was one o'dem days.

*sigh*

Sometimes work is, well, I guess ... [excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little bit]...a shit ton of work.

Anyways, on my Pollyanna note, I'll change the topic to the good part of my day. After hearing that today did indeed suck said donkey dick, JD picked up the yahoos FOR me so he could start dinner. [If you've ever wondered how I pick the guys I choose to like, this is logic, Sarah-Style: Dinner = frozen shit dumped in a pan = how could I not love this guy?] And I changed into sweats and played with the boys for awhile on the floor.

Then we all played Uno. In the garage. [Because I didn't feel like using the electrical cord with them being all dangerous and shit] [really so I could smoke.] [whatevs]

THOSE were some nice moments. It only took an hour for their voices to start grinding my nerves, but I hid it fairly well, I suppose. [Unless, of course, threatening to kill them counts as *not hiding it well.*] [Again: whatevs]

One of my other highlights was this, and it was too good to wait for the *funny quote post*:

Upon chit-chatting with a customer today about the length of our commutes to work, I said this: "I actually am so used to the drive now, I kinda like it. In the morning, I prep for work and the evening, I try to relax on my way home." To which my customer replied with "Yes, it's definitely the time I use to decompose."

Decompose.

I wanted to ~~scream out laughing~~ say "you mean decompress?" but I didn't trust myself to speak. Or barely move even, let alone breathe. And did you know that when you are trying to suppress a gut wrenching giggle that will turn into outright inappropriate amounts of laughter if allowed to be freed, you're voice ~~sounds like a cracked out chipmunk whore's~~ gets really, really high? Because, it took EVERYTHING I had in me to squeak out "You're all set" without dying.

I found it to be THAT fucking funny. Emphasize on I, since only my BFAW and I saw the amount of intense amusement out of this word choice.

But OH Yes, I did. Decompose. He decomposes on his way home. I wonder how his wife likes his decomposed body when he finally does get home. Let's hope his commute isn't THAT long or he will be a John Doe. bwhahahahaha DECOMPOSE!!! ....ok, get it together, Sarah....

But. Just one more: Thank God I didn't become completely decomposed at work at laugh in that customer's face like I wanted to! Phew, dodged that [decomposing] bullet.

Just laughin'.

Complications of a Perfect Life

When Anger is Refreshing

Heartbroken

Motherfucking Drama

Getting Some Rest

Take a Walk With a Defibrillator

Where in the hell have I been?

Pride Becomes Her

Momma's Tired

Happy Birthday To Me

Facing 35 Like It's Nobody's Business

The Best Day Ever

My Birthday Week Begins Tomorrow

Fuck a Duck.

Ghost Anxiety

Total Information Overload

The *My Favorite Parts* Game

Well. It was worth a shot.

God Loves Detroit

Don't Torture Your Child. Karma is a Bitch.

The Adventures of the Rie-Man #897

2012 Begins

Happy New Year!

Ugh. So Irritated.

Privacy Is a Thing of the Past.

Last Post About Work For Awhile. I Swear.

Last Christmas Post for Awhile. I Swear.

Christmas 2011 - Phew, We Made It Through Another One!

Random Ranting

Definitely a holidaze.

My Sweater is Better - The Holidaze

I Know, Right?!

Just Keep Writing/The Real Reason I Miss Being Married

They Grow Up So Fast, Don't They?

Really? I'm fucking wrapping presents again already?!

Nothing Like Throwing Your Back Out to Ruin Your Weekend

Introducing Connor MacLeoud

More Zellie Bellie

One Thousand Posts, 5037 Cuss Words

Game ON

So Many Things, So Little Blog Space

Zellie Jalapeno

It Is Written

Sux Talk

Thanksgiving Day Pics - Finally

One of the Best Thanksgiving's Ever

Total Fucking Meltdown

Home Sweet Home

Quotes from The Rie-Man Part One

Weight. What?

Social Butterfly

Facebook Style

And Then This Is What Happened

More Awesomeness of Sarah

As Humiliating as the Day is Llong

Kids are weird, but amusing.

Sonic What-the-fuck?

Happy Halloween

I am not a loner.

When All Else Fails

Grin and Bear It.

Friendship is...

Happiness is...

Insert funny *pussy* joke here: I got a new cat.

*Sigh*

What? Seriously?!

The Return of Press One For Stupid

The Return of Greatness

With Friends Like These

Thank you, Peeps

I don't care about a fucking title.

Fuck this. I quit.

Because Pollyanna Had It Goin' On!

Another One Bites the Dust.

Cider Mill 2011

The Caged Bird Doesn't Really Sing

Because I Usually Know Before I Know

A Little of This, A Little of That

My Peeps, 'cause its not what you know....

Thank God For Alarms

The My Favorite Parts Game

Insert funny pussy joke here: I got a new cat.

Sigh

Ha. wink