Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Blogging by TWM

How nice of the walking man to write an entire post for me.

Oh sure, sure, it's written in comment form and may have been meant as a comment, stolen by me during a rare but purely authentic MOMENTARY fusion of wit-genius and laziness:

Yes you're doing OK but I think I have need to reiterate your shortcomings as DM and her adopted 2nd father.

The ONLY advantage to smoke bombs is they never know exactly where the bullets are coming from.

You need to get out in front of that teen sex---buy 2 dozen gross (make sure you get the right size (bwahahahaha) and then just drop them in their laps and say "I don't condemn it, i don't condone it but I sure as fuck don't want to see it or clean up after it." 

written by mark durfee, twm, dm's mentorer (tee hee, had to, just had to) poet extraordinaire

just sayin'

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Yeah, I Just Never Thought

Yeah, I just never thought that these sentences would ever be HEARD, SPOKEN, let alone become COMMON in my life:

  • We'll just be out back testing these
    • smoke bombs; super-high-power-specialty GLOW sticks; gun sights; night vision goggles; you get the hint.
  • "What color smoke bombs do you think would be best?" 
    • FOR WHAT? "As SMOKE BOMBS, duh."  I mean: FOR WHAT PURPOSE are we choosing a smoke bomb color?? "For anything! Gawh! There are SO MANY REASONS smoke bombs come in handy!" [blank stare] "Red." "That's what I thought, too." 
  • Don't forget to check your craw-fish trap, son. 
  • Hey, Mom, did you see the tadpole farm today?
  • Be careful with that machete. Don't forget to clear the other side, too, though.
  • Oh look, the lawnmower is in the middle of the yard again. Do I hear the video games on?? Yes. Yes, I definitely do hear the video games....assholes. [Yes, spoken out loud to myself. while chuckling, of course.]
  • Ross broke it.
  • Ross fixed it. 
  • Ross broke it again. Ross needs your credit card one more time. Ross fixed it. 
  • Stop Bear, NO!
  • Make room for Jesus. Please don't have sex. No seriously, guys, please don't have sex. Scoot.over. Do you really have to sit that close? Hey guys, where are Emmo and Abz? Guys? Guys!? You're supposed to be Jesus! Go find them! Hand check! Hey guys, seriously, please don't have sex. "MOM!" "Sarah!" "OK!" "Mommmm!" Ok, ok, that's all, I'm done. Here's a condom: it's protection, not permission. [OK, honestly, the last one hasn't actually been said out loud.] 
  • Yeah, put that ladder in the back of that truck, that's a good idea!
  • BOOBS!
  • BALLS!
  • Hang on, let me get my waders on, I'll be right there.
  • Is the mail here? I ordered another gun part. Not yet, and I just checked because so did I.
  • Driver's training starts next week.  AND: Yes, Emerson, you have to go. What is WRONG with you? Don't you understand that a CAR is FREEDOM at your age?! I want you to go - get out there, be a teenager, have fun! You are a very responsible kid, you've earned the right to at least want a little freedom. And son, don't worry, I won't send you out into the world without adequate training. But, kiddo, that means we have to start.  You can do it, yes, you can pass the class, and we'll all help you: me, dad, Steph, Nate, ALL of your grandparents. No worries, wonderful son of mine, you got this, I believe in you. Let's go get you some freedom.
    • ............."OK....."
  • Nate, you do understand that is going to be a totally different conversation with the other one, right? "Totally."
I could go on. Maybe tomorrow I will because it's rather amusing to sit here and contemplate how amusing life is with the yahoos and a roommate/boyfriend and all of our various friends.  The house is rarely quiet, the entire place is always dirty, there is always a kid/dog/person underfoot and I motherfucking love it. It's a home - it's our home and everyone is welcome. 

Between the back-back, the yard, the side yard, the garage, the basement and all of our bedrooms, we all have enough space, and our own little areas that we crawl to when we do need quiet time or space to ourselves.  But hands down, all in all: you know you're doing ok when you're biggest concerns on a daily basis are just which hobby to do after work that day. (I mean, sometimes, I actually DO get overwhelmed: do I garden? mow the lawn? list more glass pieces? go shooting? visit gun stores to look for your parts? read? write?? 

And those are just my options when I DON'T have the kids. When I DO have them, it's a whole other, just as long, just as fun-sounding! 

So yeah, I think I'm doing ok. 

Just sayin'.  

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Best Gratitude List Ever, Take Your Bullshit With You

I am going to do my own thing and disengage from your drama.

In fact, I am going to live my life as if your problems don't affect me. As it turns out, I can choose to not let them affect me, my life or my happiness. My boyfriend said this is true, so it must be.  Men always being right and all....

----- anywho ---------

I have a shit ton of great things in my life right now:

  • My yahoos are amazing, fun, loving, thoughtful and hysterical grown-ass boys. 
  • They make me learn about and play with a lot of cool new toys, too. See points below.
  • I have a new boyfriend, and if this one doesn't work, Ima move the NEXT friend in and date that one.  I don't even think I'll run out of friends, as this one may last a while. I really like him. He says I make him feel fuzzy and awkward. I was all like "awwwwwww, so sweet!" 
  • He's really fucking hot, and he thinks I'm really fucking hot. 
  • My guns. I KNOW, so weird, right? I've always been drawn to them, but there is just something about the precision, the mechanics, the art of it that I feel incapable of resisting. They are just so...gun-like. (eye roll, being guns and all, they're so gun-like. GREAT WRITING.)
  • My dirt bikes. Er, I mean, the kids' dirt bikes. Our lives - so different than our lives a year ago.  THIS is exactly what I was looking for, for them.  It does feel like I am living a dream...I love it, I love watching them ride and play.
  • My house, my yard, the back creek, the forts, the hammock, the gardens, the flowers, the endless grass to play on, ladder ball. baseballs, lawn chairs, soda cans, dandelions, one year olds, new friends, great music....
  • A mostly amazing family :)
  • Did I mention my really hot boyfriend? Well, he loves me enough to look up extremely XXX rated videos on HIS phone, not mine, because I did NOT believe they existed but I really, really, really wanted to know for sure, yet was way too scared to use my laptop to thoroughly research, seriously, the curiosity was killing me. Yes, that's love, folks. (Ok, that one, I do sorta regret as there are indeed some things you just can't un-see.)
I'm happy, don't fuck with it, and get it together already.  OR leave me out of it.

Because tonight I just decided I am not dealing with your bullshit anymore. 

Just sayin'.