The fact is, I am in a contemplative state of being. Not a serene place of being (serenity), or a peaceful state of being (independence?) - but most definitely a contemplative, mulling, meditating state of being.
I absolutely love that I am writing again. The mere act of committing to want to write has a weird way of displaying truths in my life that I don't really like: the more confused and emotionally torn I am, the less I open my laptop. When I don't know what I want, where my life is headed, or FLAT OUT, when I am exhausting my brain by constantly weighing this and that, I just don't feel like writing.
When I am OTHER things, such as pissed, angry, hurt, happy, ecstatic, or almost any other emotional state (and by that, I mean, when one emotion seems to be the most felt in a given time period, as obviously, my emotions fluctuate throughout the day) - I write. It seems the ONLY time I truly find it difficult is when I am ....like this. UNSURE.
I have a pretty good feeling it stems from several things, not just brain exhaustion. Another thing it seems to stir up is a feeling of FRAUD. For some reason, when I am completely unsettled, I feel like anything I write about is sort of fraudulent because I feel like I am grasping - grasping for words. Grasping for sentences. Nothing feels natural, everything feels like a fake ....I don't really know what word I am looking for....everything feels like a fake *thought?*
Knowing that I want to write but am struggling so badly with it is a very revealing sign to myself that something is not right in my life. And I won't feel *inspired* until it is.
With THAT being said, I am taking a much needed brain distraction by training my new baby girl, Grace Zappa, lovingly referred to by me as GZ. "Geezee" so fucking cute, it kills me.
It is such a weird and uncomfortable notion for me to take actual time and sit and play with a puppy. It is probably exactly what I needed, as sitting, playing, RELAXING should NOT feel so foreign. The first thought that goes through my head when I stop and sit on the floor to interact with GZ is "Wait, you have stuff to do. Are you really going to just sit here?!"
I have to literally remind myself that *just sitting here* is what I signed up for, and that by doing so, I am training my dog, thus, being productive. And THAN, only than do I feel justified, and not lazy by playing with her.
I think that I have gotten to a pretty fucked up place in my life - I need to work on this immediately. On no planet, in no world, in no one's life should relaxing feel so AWKWARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE.
In typical God fashion, Grace Zappa was put into my life to help me. And I am looking forward to the lesson.....
How can you not love that cute little ass?