Sunday, February 1, 2015

Survival: Operation Isolation - Day 2

If you've never had the change to have a whole day to yourself (plus Dog) to wander your big old house randomly, doing chores as you see them, or not, or watching a bit of tv, and revel in the quietness of being by yourself, I HIGHLY recommend it.  Depending on your personality, one day may be enough for you, but everyone should have a day like that once in a while.  PERIOD.

No one telling you what to do (as in: no kids, no man), no one to worry about, no one making any noise, and no one blowing up your phone - for me, it's paradise.  I think I have a 2 day limit on that sort of paradise, but only because the snow is preventing me from feeling like I can go anywhere if I want to.  Yesterday I did a couple of errands to quench that drive for mobility - today I did a couple rounds of shoveling.

Other than being bummed about Super Bowl and not watching the first half with my family like I ALWAYS DO - I am not at all bothered that I get a bonus day of house time.  The only thing I am worried about is if the power goes out again.  I do have a generator now, but I have no idea how to use it, or if it even has gas, OR if I even have an extension cord here.

(Not many, er, none survived the first house....shut up TWM and Bump.)

After taking a few minutes to the admire the beauty of my yard and the peaceful snow that keeps it blanketed, I started to think about supplies.

  • Food
    • both food and snacks - check.
  • Candles
    • check
  • Reading material not requiring electricity or power
    • check
  • Computer and phones charged to 100, just in case
    • check
  • Lots of warm blankets and snow gear
    • check
  • Diet Pepsi and Amp
    • Fuck.
ALERT: if anyone is heading North this afternoon, if you could throw a case of Diet Soda out the window as you pass my house, it would be GREATLY APPRECIATED.

I do not so much think it's dangerous to drive the 1/4 mile to the gas station if I get desperate for these items, it's that actually getting out of my DRIVEWAY can prove to be dangerous part, NO MATTER HOW FAR you plan on going.  The curb gets packed with runoff so tightly, I can't shovel it away.  And if I don't have a wide enough opening, I can't power through it.

If I get stuck, well, that's about the worst it can get.  Scratch that - if my ass end is actually IN the drive, there's hope for survival. If not, that mean half my car is hanging out in the slippery main drive of M53. That's about the worst it can get.  For the car, not me.  I'm not dumb enough to stay in it. 

As the boys have sucked my dry of everything else, I have one can of Amp and than I am onto water. Damn. With water as my only option, I make take the risk later - I haven't yet decided how badly I hate drinking water.

In my normal alone-ness routine, I have the tv on for noise - and Alaskan Bush People and Alaska, The Last Frontier has been on a steady stream.  (You know - because my life is SO MUCH like theirs now....)

I would LOVE to shoot a mock video chronicling my *survival* in a small town rural community, and doing over-the-top comparisons as I narrate what I am doing to the camera crew: 

"Well, you see now, it's crucial that I'm always prepared.  The last thing you want is to be caught in a life or death situation without your survival gear.  That is why I am currently checking to see if all of my make up is securely put away and out of the dangerous reach of the beast."

Yes.  The ideas for my mock video flood my head when I am out shoveling:

"It's important that I keep my walkways and driveways clear.  Being all by myself up here in wilderness means it all rests on my shoulders. It doesn't allow for laziness or mistakes."
Camera Crew: "Don't you have neighbors, like on either side of you?....with snow blowers?"
Me: "Don't be fooled by the word Neighbor and its friendly connotation.  Most of them will kill you for the North Face coat off your back.  You'd be smart to not get close."

OH MAN, too bad Rie wasn't home to enhance the insanity.  It's always more fun now that his imagination and sense of humor is nearly on par with mine.  Emerson - well, whether or not he is here texting or at his dad's texting, it only makes a difference if Abby is around and he comes out of his teenageness long enough to pretend he uses real words and interacts with actual people.  I cannot bring myself to tell Abz it's an act. 

Riley's room has a view of the back where it makes our house look like it really is isolated on a wonderful, quiet, deserted piece of land.  Rather than smack dab on Main St with traffic noise.  But today - on Day 2 of Operation: Can Sarah Survive Isolation - even the roads are quiet. 

I love it. 

And you?  You are welcome to join me up here any time.  ANY TIME.  Just bring your own drinks and watch out for the *neighbors.* Or, at least "don't say I didn't warn ya..."

Just sayin.'

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

My Daddy Didn't Raise No Dummy (LIAR!)

Nothing makes my day more than a funny store to tell.  Except maybe a funny story to tell that happens to someone else or a funny story that isn't *annoying now, funny later*....today I only have the first.

First of all: I got a dog for the boys. I did NOT get a dog for myself. Yet I will care for this dog and try to train this dog and not kill this dog for the boys.  Because that's what moms do.

They also (mostly) try to do right by what is in their care - baby, cat, puppy, even teenagers.

With that being said, I really mother fucking hate Mondays and Tuesdays and every other weekend when the boys aren't here to help me.  But, like a good mom, the minute I can, I rush home to let the dog out and be with her on the days I have to work and can't manage any hours from home.  Like today for instance.  I went home, made a to-do list, packed the car with toys, a couple treats, a towel, a leash and said dog.  Because taking her on my errands has become somewhat a habit as often as I can.....

I start my list, ordered by route - because my daddy didn't raise no dummy. Except that he did.

Stop by chiro, pay bill
Drop water bill at Village
Dropoff prescriptions
Car wash
Gas/fill tire with air
Snacks
Pick up meds

I stop.
I look at the list, I look at the dog.
I look at the list. I look at the dog.
I look out my badly salted windows and think, I have to...

I SAY, OUT LOUD "You're gonna be fine, right? I mean, I'm right here. You'll be fine, right, Gracie."

I INTERPRET her one bark back to me as "Of course I'll be ok, mom. Ima good girl."
What she MEANT was "Aw HELLZ no.  If you take me through that car wash, Ima go ballistic on your sorry ass."

My bad.

I pulled up.  I paid and tipped.  I rolled down Grace's window to let the guys oooooh and ahhhh like girls with a baby. I think "we got this."

Right up until I didn't.  I didn't *have* shit.  I had one bat shit crazy dog, one pair of smashed sunglasses, one broker charger, and one obliterated to-do list.
Piss everywhere.  HOT PISS because I always put the seat heater on for her. (Yes, I do. Shut up.) OH and a couple of car wash dudes laughing hysterically as they watched me scream in surprise and complete loss of control:

"AH!! OMG!! GRACIE STOP!! IT'S FINE!! I'M RIGHT HERE! OMG!! GRACIE!! SHITFUCKSHIT!!!"

Stupid frickin' dog. What a pussy.

Owned by one pee smelling, over confident dumbass.

Yep.

Just sayin'.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Dinner At the Fam's/Rie's a Dead Man

Well.

One thing I know for sure: things with my Dad, my sister, and myself are getting much funnier now that 3 of the 4 yahoos are getting ....um....adult humor?  Yes, indeed.

However, the seed and his equally smartass cousin, Itchy, have a lot to learn about when enough is enough.  I call it Life 101: Learning to Know Where the Line Is. Immediately followed by Life 102: How Not to Cross It.

It's been an ongoing challenge for the last few months with the Rie-Man.

He doesn't seem to notice, or perhaps he doesn't care, when he knows he's pushing my buttons and I am one or two pushes away from losing my cool.  And with the boys, it does take a lot for me to go ballistic.  I feel like I am more like my mom in that way: I have a *seemingly* unending amount of love, patience and understanding for them RIGHT UP UNTIL I DON'T.

Yep.  I'm good, good, good, kinda frustrated, good, good, ok that was funny, good, good, OK that isn't cool, OK no really, enough, serilously Rie...Riley....RILEY!

NOW YOU'VE DONE IT ASSHOLE, AND EVERYONE'S GONNA PAY.

So as Itchy was acting up during cards, I suggested he join the same classes as Rie in learning about *LINES.*  (I am not entirely sure who is going to teach this lesson, but it WAS determined tonight that it would have to be female as both Topher and Bump openly admitted to still not knowing......)

Riley Dead Man: Why can't we just RAISE THE LINE???!!!!!! Ugh, GEEZ, it would be so much BETTER!

As I attempted to bang my head on the table, over and over, praying I would just pass out, simultaneously throwing my cards on the table, Bumpa and the rest of the room broke out in hysterics and awe at his "intelligence."

If he were so "intelligent", he wouldn't NEED THE LINE RAISED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Just sayin.'